What I Hope You Saw

Exactly one week later, I finally broke.

I had not cried until tonight.

And suddenly, alone in my house, it was almost as though the Lord was beckoning me.....it's time.

I could feel the heaviness in my chest expand as I knew the time was near when I would no longer be able to hold it all in.

Completely alone except for the tiny life inside me that grows day by day, thanks to those babies.

Six months they were here.

Six months of emotions and doubt and fear and excitement and love.

And then they were gone.

I know I needed this. I know I needed to mourn them.

I miss them. They way they looked at me and called me Momma from the moment they laid eyes on me. It's like they knew that's who I would be even if it was only for a little while. 

They loved me no matter what. They wanted me no matter what. Those eyes, big and blue and full of hope in a life where hope had only been given to them by strangers. 

They became our hope as we became theirs. 

And the journey began. 

And looking back on it all, what I hope you saw was one crazy girl madly in the love with the Lord doing nothing more than what He asked her to do. 

I hope you saw how He changed me. 

I hope you saw how I hated it at times. I hope you saw the times I wanted to quit. 

But He never told me to quit, so we kept on going. 

I hope you saw obedience. 

I hope you saw me put up a fight and lose. 

I hope you saw me broken and confused. 

And I hope you saw the end, where His glory was revealed despite any emotions I may have had that could have sabotaged His goodness. 

Turns out you can't sabotage His goodness. He is good. And He is especially good when you open yourself to what He has for you. 

I never thought this is where we'd be. I never thought I would look at a doctor today and say, "We had foster babies for six months, and they went home a week ago today." 

I never imagined that as our reality. 

But as I sat and sobbed tonight and wondered outloud to Him over and over and over again, "Why us? Why would you use us?" All I could think of is....."What's next?" 

What crazy adventure will you lead us on next? 

Whatever it is.....I want it. 

I want nothing more than to be in His word, and open to His spirit to know when He calls us to the next thing. 

What do I hope you saw? 

I hope you saw me. An imperfect sinner attempting to figure it all out following the lead of the Holy Spirit, believing that He is good in all things, and that His will is more important than anything in this world. 

And now, I hope you see me differently. 

.....day 339 of a year of writing.....