Every Wednesday, our crazy crew wanders into Chick-fil-A to have lunch. Three mommas and two littles. We are quite the scene. 

The employees at Chick-fil-A know us. They may not know our story, but they know that come rain or shine, we'll be there for lunch every Wednesday without fail. 

This Wednesday was a day of celebration. I hadn't seen Baby A in a week since we were out of the country for my sister-in-laws wedding, and most importantly it's his 1st birthday. His momma brought a cake and presents and a Happy Birthday balloon. 

The sweet lady who walks around the restaurant re-filling drinks and helping with high chairs and delivering orders brought a little "Eat More Chicken" cow over to Baby A to help us celebrate. 

And there we sat, with birthday cake and fried chicken and sweet tea and balloons. Baby A says hi to anyone who looks our way. And when they look, I can't help but wonder what conclusions they come to about our situation. Do they figure out that there are two foster mommas and a bio mom and 2 amazing boys that we're all in love with?

I wonder what they think. We are quite a sight to be seen. 

I often think about our little lunches. Every week our bio momma gets to see her boys for a couple hours. Every week we share encouragement and advice on parenting. Our desire for her to be more for these boys started as a desire but is moving into reality. 

This week she submitted an application for an apartment. It's a safe community that would be a great fit for her and the boys. She also had a visit with her case worker this week, and it looks like things are moving forward in our case. 

It's a good thing. Positive progress is being made for sure. 

Throughout this journey, I have tried to overthink things and let my head get in the way of my heart. I know now, that that is a pointless battle. Usually our hearts win out. I tried to guard myself from loving this baby too much because I have already felt the pain and mourning of letting babies that I love go back home. 

But he has won my heart and so has his momma. And what appeared to be a case of pain and trauma and loss has become so much more. This particular foster care case has connected our family to two other families....our bio mom and her boys, and Baby A's brother's foster family. 

Our love and our situation is messy and sticky and not always a situation that can be figured out at first glance, but it's one of the most beautiful messes I've ever been in. 

So today, as we celebrate the life of a tiny baby boy.....a baby boy who is well loved by so many. He has changed our hearts and our lives for sure. Happy Birthday sweet boy. 

Sometimes I write because I have to.....

There's a 12-foot, unlit Christmas tree in my living room, place settings for 28 people to eat dinner tomorrow night in my dining room, and more words in my soul than I can even begin to count. 

Sometimes I write because I want to, and sometimes I write because I have to. My mind stops working properly and all I can think about are words that I want to put on a page....words that I need to speak. 

It's been a long time since I've let words come out. A really long time. 

It's mostly because I haven't been me. I haven't felt like myself. I've been sad and overwhelmed and consumed. 

We have this baby living with us. You may know him as Baby A. 

As expected, he's rocked my world. He's changed me. And I like him. A lot. 

And when I let myself think about it too much, foster care is hard. 

But when I don't think about it, and I just do it, foster care isn't hard at all. 

Foster care is a constant reminder that this world is not where we belong. It's a reminder that we all come from brokenness and we are all broken. We're imperfect people living in a world full of sin. 

Foster care is a reminder that this world is uncomfortable and messy, and at the end of the day, none of us measure up. We can't do it on our own. And that's okay. 

I'll be honest, there are days I wish we weren't doing this....life would be so much easier right now if we weren't in this mess. But if we weren't in this mess, we wouldn't have him. 

I know, I know.....so many of you look on and wonder how we can bring ourselves to do it. How do you love a baby and give him back? 

I don't know. I really don't. That's the hard and messy part of all of this. 

I didn't know I could love a baby that wasn't mine like this. I didn't know I could ever picture myself as his momma. But I do sometimes. 

And then there's his momma, who will sit with our family tomorrow night for Thanksgiving dinner. She's just a babe herself. And there are days like today when I see her and talk to her and think about the reality of her life and I can't help but think of how different we are while in the same breath think about how very much the same we are. 

Her life looks nothing like mine. Never has. Maybe never will. And I'm not for a second saying that we have it figured out. Read 2 posts on this blog and you'll quickly see that I have no clue what the heck I'm talking about, ever. 

But I am saying that it's possible to be very much the same and very much different at the same time. 

I wonder why she ended up where she is and why I ended up where I am. Education, resources, support....all those things matter so very much. I had them. She didn't. 

And now here we are. 

Somehow divinely intertwined. She being part of my story. Me being part of hers. 

Both of us in love with the same boy. 

Isn't it always the boys that catch us ladies up? 

She having every right to love him. I have just as much right to love him too. 

And tonight, this is where we are. In this messy place called life. Praying daily that Christ takes center stage in however this story plays out....that He'll show up and show off in some miraculous way that only He can. 

All the while, everything in me wants to write the end of this story. I can see a happy ending. I can write it now and be done with it all. 

But.....

I'm not the author, and I don't know what's best. I can believe all day long that I know what's best for this baby, but I don't. I can't see the future. I don't know how it plays out, and no matter how much I want to write the ending, I won't try. I won't do it. 

What I will do is love him like he's mine. Not because I want him forever, but because that's what he deserves. Right now, he's part of our family. Will he always be? Yes. Whether he is physically here or not. Just like Shade and Ryleigh are a part of our family, Baby A will forever be Baby A in our lives. You can't forget him. You can't unlove him. He's here. He's part of us. 

That's what foster care is. It's love. Simply and truly....love. 

God's Got It, Mom

I have never in my entire life been this angry. Nothing has ever made me this mad. 

I've never yelled so much or cried so much in a single day as I did today. 

I received a call this morning that Baby A and his brother would be placed with a family willing to take both them tomorrow. 

That's when the yelling started. Tomorrow? Seriously? 

And they were serious. So serious that every person I talked to acted like I was an insane person for trying to get the boys some much needed transition time to make the move to this new foster home. 

Here's the thing, our intent is not, was not, has never been to keep this baby forever. We love him like he's ours because that's what he deserves and if it came down to, we would absolutely adopt him. But that's not what this is about. 

We believe that it's best for these boys to be together in the right situation. They're brothers. That bond is one that they will hopefully have their entire lives. A sibling bond is so very important, especially to a child in foster care. 

Last week, there was a potential placement for the boys. It was with another family in our agency. We met with the foster mom and her daughter and niece at Chic-fil-A. She held Baby A and asked questions about him and his brother, and we answered. And we told her the truth. 

That same day, she called our agency and told them she couldn't take the boys. I don't know what she said. I've heard so many versions of it at this point that I don't know who to believe anymore. 

And ever since that day, everything has been different. Our worker told Brian today that we sabotaged the placement and because of that, they couldn't risk us meeting these new foster parents and having another failed placement. 

So basically, if you want the cliff notes version, because we met this mom and told her all about these boys, and she decided not to take them, we became the bad guys, and we have been ever since. 

I have felt like a criminal today. Like I have done something wrong. The last time I checked, all I did was love this baby like he was my own. Loved him. Fought for him. Invested in him. Invested in his momma. And now, because I might sabotage the next placement, we can't transition the boys. 

That's what's happening, and I'm not one bit okay with it. 

I've never been this angry. I don't know that I've ever felt righteous anger until today. 

Brian was driving Addison to church tonight and telling her that Baby A would probably be going to a new home tomorrow and that we might not get to see him again. And she said that she knew because "momma was really mad today." 

My kids saw me fight today. They say me cry. They heard me yell. And then tonight, Brian got to tell Addison about what righteous anger is. He said it's okay to be angry when your angry for the right reasons. That's what righteous anger is. He told her about Jesus coming into the temple and being righteously angry at the vendors there selling their goods. Jesus was angry, and He had every right to be angry. 

And even though everyone involved keeps treating me like I'm crazy because I'm asking for a healthy transition for these boys, I know I'm angry for the right reasons. 

I've talked to so many people today and heard so many sides to so many stories that I honestly don't know who to believe anymore. 

I've also made new friends today and learned that everyone involved is somewhat bound by these crazy policies. (Did you know that because we haven't had these boys for 3 months, we don't have to have any notice before they're removed from our homes? None at all. It's a real policy. And it's insane.) 

I'm so worn and so exhausted and so lit up at the same time. I'm not okay with things like this happening. From the outside looking in, it may seem trivial to you. So he's moving? So you didn't get any notice? He won't remember any of this anyways. 

Really? Do you know how vital infant bonding is for lifetime attachment issues? It's the most important thing. This baby was taken from his momma....one minute she was there, the next she was gone, and then all of a sudden, the same thing will happen with our family. We've loved him, taken care of him, made him feel safe and secure for the past 6 weeks, and within minutes tomorrow, we will simply be gone. Do you have any idea what that does to a baby psychologically? It's detrimental. DHS takes children out of bad situations and then allows for emotional situations to take place that are no different than what they experienced when originally taken from mom. The emotional toll is substantial and serious. How will he ever learn how to love and trust if we just walk out the door? 

It's crazy to me. Simply crazy. 

I keep telling everyone that I'm 100% on board for him going to a place where he can be with his brother. 100%. But not like this. Not overnight. He's not in an unhealthy situation. He doesn't need to be rescued from anything. But that's how everyone is acting. 

Go take him from them quick! They love him too much! What if they want to keep him forever? Really? What's the problem people?! I thought I was supposed to love him like that. I thought I was supposed to fight for what's right for him. No one else is. 

What's best for these boys? A healthy transition. I'm not asking for weeks. Even a few days will do. 

Not only is there no transition, I was also told today that we would not be able to meet or talk to the new family. I was assured tonight that was not the case, but I'm not sure who to trust anymore. 

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I do know that this child was never mine. My children aren't even mine. They belong to the Lord. I know that He will protect them, cover them, and make a way for them. His promises are true and have been prayed over each of my children...including Baby A many, many times. 

Tonight in the car when Brian was telling Addison about what righteous anger is, she asked for a piece of paper, and she wrote me these words: 

And before I could publish this post, that sweet baby woke up (he never does that!), and I got a text from the Founder and Executive Director of our agency (at 11:00 pm) saying that she wants to make this transition slower. 

I was honestly shocked and impressed. We talked earlier this evening, and I felt like I was finally being heard, and I feel like she went to front lines for me and with me, and I'm impressed. 

Now we trust that the Lord has it. That he'll make a way for her to convince the people who need convincing that these boys need a transition. 

Tonight, a little bit of hope has been restored. God's got it.  God will take care of it.....yes, baby. Yes, He will. 

A Hard Week

I know that I've been quiet lately....both here and on social media, and it's mostly because, we've had a rough week. 

Last week was just hard. There aren't any other words to describe it. 

We thought Baby A was being moved to a new placement with a new foster family that was willing to take both him and his brother. It ended up not working out. 

I'm not sure if I'm glad that I was silent thru it all or if I wish I written thru it. I'll probably wish I had written about it later, but I didn't. 

There are details and issues that probably don't need to be discussed here. There were things that happened with this potential new placement that simply made me angry. Righteously angry. 

We met the new foster mom last week. She was great. She'll be a great foster mom. And here's the thing, I agree that our boys need to be together (if and only if, the situation is better than the one they're currently in). If we're going to break bonds that have been made, it better be for the absolute best case scenario. 

And this new foster family was not that scenario. Not because there was anything wrong, but because I could see it all over her face......she was going to be overwhelmed with these boys and her child. I would have been. And that's the last thing we want. We do not want families taking children because they feel forced or backed into a corner, and that's sort of what happened. She felt like her hand was forced, so she said she'd take them. 

But that's how we lose foster families. That's how we get failed placements. 

To say that it was a hard week is really an understatement. 

I've questioned so many things this week. I've thrown my nose into God's word because I don't know the answers to all this mess. 

But last night, we had the opportunity to hear Bob Goff speak at the Angels Foster Family Network annual auction and dinner. He was amazing. There are really no words to describe him. 

He talked about Jesus and loving the way Christ loved. Actively loving. 

And then he said this: "If you love that extravagantly, Jesus will carry you." 

And I cried. Right there at the table with the fancy dessert and that stupid satin napkin that wouldn't stay on my lap. Tears fell from my eyes because I couldn't keep them in. 

He's right. All I can do is love. All I can do is love him like he's mine. All I can do is love his momma like she's family. 

Yes, that means hurt will come. Yes, that means this road will be long and rocky, but it also means that I'll never be the same, and if it all crumbles one day....whether it turns out best case scenario or worst, Christ will catch us. All of us. Because we chose to love. 

An overdue update on all these babies and us

There's a handsome guy living with us who celebrated his half  birthday this week. He's getting bigger everyday. And louder too. Baby A is quite comfortable around here now, and he's good about vocalizing that. 

The other littles living in my house are awesome. They each come with their challenges, but that's the fun of parenting isn't it? 

Addison is a big helper around the house (most of the time). She's also stubborn and sassy, which I'm actually glad about. She's going to be one amazing leader one day. 

Luke is learning so much in kindergarten. He comes home spelling new words everyday, and he's gone from being a shy little man to a guy with quite a lot to say. He can also be stubborn in a strong, silent way for which I am also grateful. 

And Wyatt.....well it's a good thing he's cute. With just a couple of weeks before his second birthday, he is giving me a run for my money. He's entertaining and funny and a true joy, but he's also learning how to stand his ground, how to use the word no, and how to raid the pantry and refrigerator without permission. 

And then there's us. 

Brian has been traveling this month. He took his annual hunting trip and brought home an elk that filled our freezer full of good meat. Now he's in Vegas for his best friend's bachelor party for the weekend. 

I have been here. Adjusting. Attempting to survive life as a single mom of four. (It was only a week, but it was challenging!) There are all the normal mom and wife and business owner things and then there are all the foster care things. And there is this heaviness that won't seem to leave. 

The past few weeks has left me feeling like I'm pretty crappy at all the roles I currently hold. I've allowed the devil to lie to me over and over again. 

I'm not good enough. 

I don't have anything meaningful to say. 

I don't have time to workout. 

I don't have the time or energy to effectively lead. 

Date my husband? What is that? 

Lies, lies, lies. But it's easy to let them creep in and let them begin to settle into our hearts as truth. 

I know that allowing this baby into our lives has changed things. Of course he has. He's a new life and a new little love that we have to give time, energy, attention, and love to. He's changed everything. That's what babies do. 

But I haven't allowed myself the time to be still, to study, to remember what we're doing here anyways. 

I have let myself stop writing. I have let myself stop running. I have let myself stop studying God's word, and I'm a wreck because of it.

All the things that keep me healthy and normal and functioning have gone to the wayside. How does one let that happen? How could I have let all those things go? Those things matter so much. 

But I did. And I have. And I need to get back to a place where I feel like me again. 

It's slowly happening. We're adjusting to Baby A. We're adjusting to a new schedule and new responsibilities. 

And I'm re-evaluating everything. I'm re-evaluating my time and money and resources. I need to work smarter, not harder. I need to question everything. Every hour. Every minute. Every responsibility. Every Yes. 

I need to be intentional again. So it's coming. I'm coming. I'm on my way back. I'm allowing myself some grace in the midst of the mess of life, and I'm on my way back to a place where things make sense to me again. I'll be there soon. 

Oh and I'm taking a photography class because it feels good and sometimes we should do things that feel good. 

Would you pray for us?

I ate chocolate cake and a bowl of grape nuts for dinner, and now it's 11:30 pm and I'm sitting in my office attempting to catch up on work un-done this week. 

That worn feeling hasn't left. I still feel heavy and burdened from the weight of these babes. Specifically the newest addition. 

The foster mom who has Baby A's brother called today to tell me that our social worker called her on Friday asking if they (she and her husband) had seriously considered taking Baby A, because if they weren't willing to take him, the boys were going to be moved and moved soon. 

It's almost been a month. Four weeks of this baby's life have been spent with us, and they want to put them together. Baby A and his brother are both thriving where they are. Why move them? 

This is the part of foster care that is so incredibly hard. It's the reason we almost said no to him....I knew this would happen. I'm honestly a little irritated that our agency took the case and said they could place boys when they knew that they did not have a single family that would or could take them both. 

So, because of that, the boys were split up. And now it's complicated. We love Baby A. His brother's foster family loves him, and DHS policy says they need to be together. 

I understand the sibling bond. I do. I would want my kids together. But in the same breath, these boys are happy, healthy, thriving. And they are both with families who are willing and anxious to work with bio mom towards reunification. And we're committed to doing life together so these boys will continue to have a bond while they're in care. How does it make sense to move them? 

My heart is just heavy. This part is hard. I don't believe it's in the best interest of either of the boys for them to be moved at this point, but no one else seems to care. Policy is policy. Individual circumstances apparently don't matter. 

And I'm beginning to wonder where our advocate is. No one is standing on our side watching the way we love these boys. No one is fighting for what's best for the boys except for us. 

Maybe I'm being selfish because I want him here. But I don't think I am. I can see the way he responds to my voice. I watch him turn his head when I walk in a room. Why would we continue to break bonds that this baby has established? That's where the system is broken. Let us love him. Let us love his brother and his brother's foster family. Let us do what we can to help this momma gain the knowledge and skills she needs to get her babies back. We want to be a part of that process. We are willing to do the work. 

My heart's heavy. That's all. I want it to be different than it is. 

And at the end of the day, I will choose to trust that the Lord knows the end of the story and that He will guide the decisions of every person involved whether they stay or whether they go. 

Would you pray for our babies? We would so greatly appreciate it.

Meeting Mom

I have to admit. I over thought what I should wear to meet Baby A's bio mom. 

Should I go with my daily uniform of skinny jeans, a v-neck tee, and flats or should I go more casual? (yes, the before mentioned is dressing up for me....don't judge me, I work from home. I can wear what I want.) 

I seriously thought about these things. 

I went with workout clothes because I really did have every intent to go run, but it didn't actually happen. (Don't judge me again.) 

I wonder if she thought about what she should wear, about what she should say, about how she should react. Did she consider those things? 

Was she as nervous to meet us as I was to meet her? 

My heart raced as I carried this tiny baby that I have come to love across a rainy parking lot into a DHS building. As I made my way thru the metal detector, I couldn't help but wonder if she was on the other side of the glass in the waiting area. Was she here? Would she show? 

I hoped she would. Please be here. What will I think if you don't show?

We made our way thru security with Baby A still sleeping peacefully in his carrier, and as I got my wits about me, I saw the worker come around the corner with mom right behind her. 

Hi. It's great to finally meet you. My name is Allison. He is so wonderful. 

We shook hands, and my heart stopped racing as quickly as it had started. 

She is just a person. Just a person with no resources, no support, and no one to help when she needed it most. Any of us could have been her. I can't judge her. I can't be mad at her. I can't even blame her. 

What I can do is commit to loving her the way I love her baby. 

At the end of the day it's not DHS's job to make sure these families get back together. It's the job of the church. 

I could care less about DHS's policies and regulations and "plans" (although I will follow them), what I care about is giving this young momma hope and the resources she needs to get back on her feet. She needs people in her life who will love her not because of her past but because of her future. 

That future is unwritten at the moment, and yes, she will have to do the work necessary to get her babies back, but we signed up to help re-write stories. That's what foster care is really about. 

It's about breaking the chains of generational poverty and generational abuse and generational drug use. It's about providing resources and hope to people who have none. It's about charging the darkness in pursuit of life change. 

I promise I'm not overly optimistic. I made that mistake last time. I thought I could help our bio momma change. In reality, I was the one who needed changing. 

I'm not that naive now. I know that only she and Christ can make that change. But I can support her. I can believe in her. I can give her hope in a situation that may seem hopeless. 

I can pray for her, with her, over her, and I can love her baby while she can't. 

That's what I'm called to do, and that's exactly what we'll do. 

I know that Christ can make beautiful things from dust. And I expect nothing less. Lord, give us something beautiful out of this dust. 

When being worn is a gift

I know I haven't been writing a lot lately. 

Here's the deal. I'm usually a very positive and uplifting person. I can see the good in most situations and for the most part, I believe in people. 

But lately I have felt worn. Incredibly worn. 

The lyrics from the Tenth Avenue North song titled Worn are exactly how I've felt lately. 

If you've never heard it, listen to it now. 

But I'm not surprised that I feel this way. I believe that there is more to this world than what we can see. I believe that there always has been and always will be a spiritual battle to be fought, and we are often in the midst of that battle.

When life is easy and comfortable, the devil usually leaves you alone. Why would he bother with mediocre. He's after people willing to charge the darkness in the name of Christ.

Doing hard things. Doing things you feel called to. Stepping out in faith to walk outside your comfort zone.....those are the things that tick the devil off.

And that's where those feelings of heaviness come from. The little daily attacks on my mind, body, spirit, and household, I'm over them.

I am changing though.

Once again, the Lord is using a circumstance like foster care to make me different and new. And change is hard, but ridding myself of selfish desires, that's good. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting closer.

This heaviness....this feeling of being worn, even before the day begins is a gift. It reminds me that we were not made for this world. This is not where we end up.

The lack of comfort I feel in my day-to-day life makes me yearn for heaven, and that is the greatest gift of all. I know I'm not done here, but to understand that this is not our resting place is a gift, and for that I am grateful.

Loving him

I whispered the words "I love you" to him for the first time a few days ago. 

I don't know how it happened. It just came out. 

But isn't that what I was supposed to do? Love him? 

Yes. That's exactly what I am supposed to do. 

But loving him makes this sticky and complicated and hard. The best and hardest thing about foster care is the love. 

He is perfectly perfect. The situation is anything but perfect. It's so far from perfect, it literally hurts. 

It is so hard for me to write right now. 

I feel like I'm harboring anger and resentment and so many other things. 

I'm happy. I really am, but there are moments when I feel so heavy. I don't know how else to explain it. 

I feel worn on the inside. 

This baby is simply amazing. And it's so hard to think about the possibility of him leaving. We were supposed to meet with mom on Monday, but no one could get a hold of her, so we had a sibling visit instead. 

I'm so grateful that he's not older. I'm so grateful that I don't have to explain to him why his momma didn't show up to see him. 

I don't know why she didn't show. I want to believe there was a reason. I do. It's just hard to believe that. 

But I have to remember that this is a world I have never been a part of. This momma had no one to list on her "important people" sheet. It's a piece of paper that DHS uses to determine if there is anyone kin to the children who would be willing and able to take the children or support mom as she works her plan. She had no one to list. 

That makes my heart hurt. 

How do you raise a 2 year old and a baby with no resources and no help? 

I couldn't do it. 

I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had any support when Addy and Luke were little. I don't know what I would do now if I didn't have the help I have. 

That saying "it takes a village to raise a child".....it's true. It takes an entire village, and if you don't have one person to write down, oh goodness. 

This whole process is incredibly complicated. There are so many people involved and so much waiting that has to happen. 

Right now, I would love for you to pray over our sweet baby and his brother. DHS is going to attempt to get them placed together, and while I understand the sibling bond, I also understand what happens when littles get moved over and over again. One placement is enough. They are both happy and thriving, and we both want to keep them where they are. 

We are committed to getting together weekly to let the boys be together in addition to their visits with mom, and we are committed to working with mom towards reunification. 

Ultimately, I know none of this is up to me. Whatever happens with Baby A, I will choose to trust the Lord's plan. 

The struggle is real

This gets harder everyday. Foster care brings both it's joys and challenges. 

It keeps getting harder mostly because I know that Baby A could move at any point in time, and we fall a little more in love with him everyday. 

He is one of two littles, so there is always the chance that he will be placed in a home where he can be together with his brother. The sibling bond is a strong and important bond that DHS attempts to keep intact. We are grateful that Baby A's brother was placed with another family in our agency. We picked the boys up at the same time, so we were able to establish a relationship, and have talked almost everyday since the boys have been placed. It's been great to have another amazing family to share this journey with. 

Tomorrow is supposed to be the boys 1st visit with mom. 

I'll be honest, I'm a wreck. 

I know this is what we signed up for, and we believe in the system, but no one knows anything about mom. I have no idea if she's even asked about the boys. 

That, and I have been falling in love with this baby for the past 3 weeks. He fits easily into our family. We all love Baby A, and we love having him here. 

It's a different feeling than I had with our 1st placement. I loved Shade and Ryleigh, but there was always something that reminded me that they were not mine and weren't supposed to be mine. I don't even know how to explain that, but it's what we knew in our souls. And those thoughts were right. Those babies would be reunited with mom in the best case scenario. 

The system can work. I've seen it happen. But I also know that bio parents have to be willing to work for their babies. That's what it takes every time. Effort. The willingness to change behaviors. The willingness to learn new skills. 

And I have no clue yet if our bio momma is going to have that drive. Sometimes you can't tell at first. Sometimes you know instantly. 

I have to remind myself everyday that our goal is reunification. That's what foster care is about. It's an attempt to break what are often generational behaviors to help change lives for the better. 

And it's our job to fight and advocate for this baby. No one else really will. The case worker is supposed to be the case worker for the mom and the boys, but she's really mom's case worker. Her goal is to get everyone back together no matter what. 

Our goal is to make sure this baby boy and his brother are always kept at the forefront of everyone's minds. They're why we're all in this beautiful mess in the 1st place. 

In a phrase written by a fellow foster mom, the struggle is real. 

Going nowhere fast

Family Planning Meeting is done but without much progress. I can't tell you much since we're under a confidentiality agreement. But my goal in writing and sharing is to be the voice of foster families. Hopefully you see the joy and pain, frustration and peace that comes from caring for foster babies. 

The system is flawed. There's no secret there. But when you're dealing with real people, it's so hard for there to be black and white answers to everything. It simply doesn't work that way. 

Right now I'm frustrated because we couldn't really have a Family Planning Meeting because there was a key person missing. That's just how it goes sometimes. 

We had to have real conversations about the possibility of the boys being removed from our homes to be placed together. This will probably be a lengthy process, so it's best for the boys to be together. We can't take big brother. I know we can't. We don't have the space, and I don't have the patience to have two 2-year-olds. I don't think the other foster parents want to take Baby A, so it creates a sticky situation. 

There is also the possibility that family members will surface who will want to take the boys. That too is always a possibility when you're dealing with foster kids. 

So we're currently going nowhere fast. Bio mom doesn't have a plan yet. We aren't set up for visitation yet, and there's always the chance that Baby A will be moved. 

But we're trucking along. Baby A is happy, healthy and growing fast, so we're just loving the time we have with him while he's here. 

Being Frustrated.....It's part of the deal

I wish I could encourage those of you who are possibly considering foster care by telling you that you won't be frustrated, and it'll be a smooth process to the end. 

That's just not the case. We have had Baby A in our home for almost a week (tomorrow makes a week), and we finally heard from someone at DHS today. It's a frustrating feeling to not know what's going on. It's literally like being in the dark. 

It's hard to settle when you don't have any idea how long this baby will be a part of your family. 

I wish I could encourage you and tell you that it won't be frustrating, but it will be. There are so many people involved when there are children in DHS custody, and sometimes (a lot of times) things don't get communicated the way they should. 

We literally know nothing about Baby A's bio mom at this point. I know nothing about his past, and that can be a little irritating. 

Tomorrow will be an important day in Baby A's journey. He won't be at the meeting, but bio mom will be there along with a permanency case worker, our Angels case worker, and Baby A's brother's foster parents, as well as a mediator. It's called a Family Plan meeting, and it'll be where we'll find out about why the kids are in custody and what mom's plan is moving forward to work towards getting them back. 

It'll be a hard meeting mostly because it'll be the first time we'll meet bio mom. There are so many emotions that come with meeting the mother of the baby you're loving on and caring for 24 hours a day. There's really nothing easy about it. 

There's sadness, anger, grief, anxiety, and so many more feelings that will come tomorrow. Frustration is simply part of it, however, frustration will not be what keeps me from giving love to this little guy. He deserves love from someone right now. Frustration with the system or not, this is what we're called to do. 

It's worth the risk

We're in that transition phase where I'm getting used to four little people needing me at all hours of the day. Three little people is a lot. Four is even more. So I'm trying to remember what life is like with four kids who always need something. 

It's doable and joy filled, there is just a transition that needs to take place. I have to remember to love my babies the best that I can. I have to give them the best of me, all while loving on this baby who needs love and a good fattening up, all at the same time. 

Foster care brings it challenges, but there is also peace that comes in obedience. Our desire to foster came directly from scripture. There are numerous references to caring for orphans and the fatherless, but my favorite comes from James 1:27:

27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

When the Lord placed foster care on our hearts more than 2 years ago, I took the calling as a challenge. That may or may not have been the best way to go about it, but that's really how I thought of it in my head....Are you challenging me? Sure. I'm game. Let's do this.

I don't necessarily think of foster care as a challenge now. I consider it more of a necessity. The way I was blessed through our first foster care experience is nearly indescribable. I was broken and changed and made new in the best kind of way.

And I selfishly want that again. I want Him to wreck me. I want Him to break my heart. I want to remember what it's like to hurt and to feel.

In a world where we are so easily jaded because everyone is walking a rough battle and everything is hard sometimes, I want to know first hand what it is to yearn for Christ....to yearn for Heaven.

When I let myself think about Baby A and his young momma and his brother, my heart wants to break into a million pieces. The reality of foster care is crappy. I hate that it has to exist. But it does exist because we are broken people in a broken world who desperately need Christ.

I can't fix anyone or any situation, but what I can do is love. And maybe that's all I can do. But since loving is what we've been called to do, I will love bravely. I won't hold back my heart. I will love my babies and this baby, and I will love his momma and his brother, and my heart might break, yes. But it's worth the risk. It's always worth the risk. He's worth the risk.

There's a baby sleeping in my closet

There's a baby sleeping my closet, and I can't find my panties in the dark. {Don't tell my case worker....I'll tell her myself....I swear.} 

But there seriously is a baby sleeping in my closet, and it is inhibiting my ability to find clothes and put away laundry. 

And I will tell my case worker because it's a temporary situation. It's actually a pretty sweet pad in there. He's got a fan (and there's heat and air in there), and it's nice and dark and quiet, and I'm jealous of it. 

It's a temporary fix. Since we have no idea how long Baby A will be here, we haven't decided where he should live.  Once we find out more about bio mom's plan, we'll be able to make a better decision about where Baby A should stay. 

We're loving every second with him. He's a bundle of joy. I don't know how we got such a laid back and easy baby. He might be sleeping in my closet, but he's sneaking into my heart a little more everyday. 

Oh and it's worth mentioning that Wyatt is re-living his baby days by trying out all of Baby A's gear. Stinker.

Living by Grace

I can't get words to come tonight. Maybe there are so many words rolling around inside my head that I just can't narrow them down. It's a possibility. I'm not sure.

I know that this morning I felt like a rockstar mom, but by 7:00 tonight, I was eating buttercream icing out of a can with a spoon. But that's okay. I've learned that rockstar moments come and go, and I'm just grateful I had one today. 

I've also learned that stretching is hard. And while comfort is easy, it's also boring, and boring annoys me. So I try not to do boring.

I can assure you that there is nothing boring happening around here. 

We're all adjusting to life with baby A around. He seems to be easily adjusting. It's the rest of us who need the adjusting. 

Our kids are adjusting well so far. It's sweet to watch the ways each of them love on Baby A in their own way.

Tonight, on a Scentsy online training, my sister-in-law asked me what advice I had for the consultants on our team who are working towards earning a trip. I didn't have specific advice tonight. Just advice on life in general.

I think I said something along the lines of re-assess everyday, start over when necessary, and hold yourself to a standard of grace, not perfection. It's true in business, and it's true in life. 

And that's where we are today. Forgetting about perfection.....living smack dab in the middle of grace.....with lots and lots of do overs when needed. 

Baby A

My phone rang at 9:06 as I was sitting in the dentist's office with an excited 7-year-old and a ticked off 5-year-old. We can't all love the dentist. 

It was my case worker, and I intentionally silenced the phone knowing that I couldn't process whatever she had to tell me, and tend to a screaming little boy at the same time. I knew it was probably about a placement. 

A text came next confirming my thoughts that it was a call about a placement. It was exactly that.

I sent a quick text back explaining that I was dealing with a "situation" at the dentist's office. I told her I would call her when I got finished or that she could call Brian and give him the scoop. 

Then the text from Brian came..."I got a call from L (I'm shortening her name for safety and privacy), she has a potential placement for us. Call me when you can." 

Through a couple more texts, I found out more details. A boy. 5 months old. (And more details that I'll leave out for privacy and safety reasons).

L and I finally talked after Luke was calmed down (thanks to a corn dog from Sonic....and no, I did not let him get a toy from the treasure chest at the dentist because he did not cooperate at all) and the kids were dropped off at school. I voiced my concerns about the placement, and then said, yes. 

We agreed to meet at noon and by 2:00, baby A was in our car headed home. I wish you could see his big grin! He smiled the minute we walked into the room. So far, he's happy and pretty relaxed. We're praying for a night full of sleep for everyone, but we'll see how that goes. 

Right now, could you pray for baby A's health? He needs to fatten up a bit, and we're working hard on that, and he has some healing to do as well from a little infection. Your prayers for those things would be much appreciated. 

I promise to grab a few pictures of his sweet little hands and head and feet tomorrow. I hate that you can't see his face, but that's just how it is. 

Thank you for loving us. We're all settled in. 5 in bed, 1 to go....I'm headed that way.  

Expectant in Hope

I spent the day cleaning and re-arranging. I desperately wanted to buy pumpkins at the grocery store, and then I forgot. 

My keyboard doesn't want to work the way it usually does. I have to hit some keys multiple times to make them work. I'm blaming the little guy that lives with us. He really likes to bang on keyboards. 

I want to wear boots and sweaters and go to the pumpkin patch, but as I type that, I remember that I usually wear a tank top to the pumpkin patch and sweat through the whole experience. 

I want to sit and breathe and rest, but I haven't today, until now. 

And here I find myself, letting my brain fall out on a page. Anticipating what's coming. Unsure. Scared. And expectant in hope. 

Tomorrow our home will officially be open again as a foster home. 

That means that we'll probably have a baby in our home in the less than 24 hours. A baby that's not ours, but that we'll love as ours. A baby with baggage and a past and possibly a defining moment that I'll never be able to erase no matter how much I love him or her.

Tomorrow I'll hold a baby that isn't mine but that I'll wonder if it ever could be. Could she be ours? Could he be ours? I won't be able to help it. I'll think it. 

Tomorrow we'll welcome a baby into our home that I will fight for. I will fight for restoration. I will fight because that's what every baby deserves. 

Tomorrow we'll fall in love with a baby that we may never watch grow up......that we may never see once she or he leaves our home. But we'll love anyways. We'll love bravely....without holding anything back. No one deserves guarded love. We all need love that is brave enough to love all of us. Every bit of us. The good, the bad, the beautiful....the things we can't change. 

As I type these words, my soul converses with the Lord about what's to come. Protect that baby. Guard it's heart. Cover it in your love. And then bring it to us. And show us what to do.

Lead us. 

Guide us. 

Break our hearts. 

Change us. 

We yearn to be more like you. 

My heart aches over the possibility of love to come. My heart aches over the possibly of heartbreak. And knowing it all, I know that you know so much more than I do. I know you had this all planned out. I may not see it immediately, but you have been doing a good work.....a great work....behind the scenes. Cover us in your grace. Cover our home in your peace. Protect us from the schemes of the devil. We feel him lurking while we feel you fighting for us. 

We trust you. 

Lead us. 

And tell a story so great that only you could get the glory for it. 

We are nothing without you. We love you. 

Is there fear? Absolutely. 

Is there doubt. Of course. 

Do we feel qualified. No. A million times no. 

But we're doing it anyways. Because tomorrow our home will officially be open as a foster care home, and even though we have rather narrow age limits (younger than Wyatt), we will most likely be placed tomorrow because there are babies in my state and in your state and all over America who need a home to sleep in tonight. 

And if we don't do it, who will? 

The need is great. The reward is greater. Peace. Change. Complete trust in the Lord. Those are the rewards. 

The first time we had foster babies in our home, I got rocked in the most gut-wrenching way. My world was flipped around, and suddenly I was different. I was different because I loved and rocked two babies who weren't mine.

I will never forget the day they showed up on my doorstep, and I will never forget the day they left. And I will never be the same. Ever. 

Broken. Wrecked. Messed up. I was all those things. 

And after 6 months, I was changed. Different. New. 

And tomorrow begins something new.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

and rivers in the desert.  ~Isaiah 43:19 

So tonight, I rest, expectant in hope.