An overdue update on all these babies and us

Saturday, October 18, 2014

There's a handsome guy living with us who celebrated his half  birthday this week. He's getting bigger everyday. And louder too. Baby A is quite comfortable around here now, and he's good about vocalizing that. 

The other littles living in my house are awesome. They each come with their challenges, but that's the fun of parenting isn't it? 

Addison is a big helper around the house (most of the time). She's also stubborn and sassy, which I'm actually glad about. She's going to be one amazing leader one day. 

Luke is learning so much in kindergarten. He comes home spelling new words everyday, and he's gone from being a shy little man to a guy with quite a lot to say. He can also be stubborn in a strong, silent way for which I am also grateful. 

And Wyatt.....well it's a good thing he's cute. With just a couple of weeks before his second birthday, he is giving me a run for my money. He's entertaining and funny and a true joy, but he's also learning how to stand his ground, how to use the word no, and how to raid the pantry and refrigerator without permission. 

And then there's us. 

Brian has been traveling this month. He took his annual hunting trip and brought home an elk that filled our freezer full of good meat. Now he's in Vegas for his best friend's bachelor party for the weekend. 

I have been here. Adjusting. Attempting to survive life as a single mom of four. (It was only a week, but it was challenging!) There are all the normal mom and wife and business owner things and then there are all the foster care things. And there is this heaviness that won't seem to leave. 

The past few weeks has left me feeling like I'm pretty crappy at all the roles I currently hold. I've allowed the devil to lie to me over and over again. 

I'm not good enough. 

I don't have anything meaningful to say. 

I don't have time to workout. 

I don't have the time or energy to effectively lead. 

Date my husband? What is that? 

Lies, lies, lies. But it's easy to let them creep in and let them begin to settle into our hearts as truth. 

I know that allowing this baby into our lives has changed things. Of course he has. He's a new life and a new little love that we have to give time, energy, attention, and love to. He's changed everything. That's what babies do. 

But I haven't allowed myself the time to be still, to study, to remember what we're doing here anyways. 

I have let myself stop writing. I have let myself stop running. I have let myself stop studying God's word, and I'm a wreck because of it.

All the things that keep me healthy and normal and functioning have gone to the wayside. How does one let that happen? How could I have let all those things go? Those things matter so much. 

But I did. And I have. And I need to get back to a place where I feel like me again. 

It's slowly happening. We're adjusting to Baby A. We're adjusting to a new schedule and new responsibilities. 

And I'm re-evaluating everything. I'm re-evaluating my time and money and resources. I need to work smarter, not harder. I need to question everything. Every hour. Every minute. Every responsibility. Every Yes. 

I need to be intentional again. So it's coming. I'm coming. I'm on my way back. I'm allowing myself some grace in the midst of the mess of life, and I'm on my way back to a place where things make sense to me again. I'll be there soon. 

Oh and I'm taking a photography class because it feels good and sometimes we should do things that feel good. 

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