Every Wednesday, our crazy crew wanders into Chick-fil-A to have lunch. Three mommas and two littles. We are quite the scene. 

The employees at Chick-fil-A know us. They may not know our story, but they know that come rain or shine, we'll be there for lunch every Wednesday without fail. 

This Wednesday was a day of celebration. I hadn't seen Baby A in a week since we were out of the country for my sister-in-laws wedding, and most importantly it's his 1st birthday. His momma brought a cake and presents and a Happy Birthday balloon. 

The sweet lady who walks around the restaurant re-filling drinks and helping with high chairs and delivering orders brought a little "Eat More Chicken" cow over to Baby A to help us celebrate. 

And there we sat, with birthday cake and fried chicken and sweet tea and balloons. Baby A says hi to anyone who looks our way. And when they look, I can't help but wonder what conclusions they come to about our situation. Do they figure out that there are two foster mommas and a bio mom and 2 amazing boys that we're all in love with?

I wonder what they think. We are quite a sight to be seen. 

I often think about our little lunches. Every week our bio momma gets to see her boys for a couple hours. Every week we share encouragement and advice on parenting. Our desire for her to be more for these boys started as a desire but is moving into reality. 

This week she submitted an application for an apartment. It's a safe community that would be a great fit for her and the boys. She also had a visit with her case worker this week, and it looks like things are moving forward in our case. 

It's a good thing. Positive progress is being made for sure. 

Throughout this journey, I have tried to overthink things and let my head get in the way of my heart. I know now, that that is a pointless battle. Usually our hearts win out. I tried to guard myself from loving this baby too much because I have already felt the pain and mourning of letting babies that I love go back home. 

But he has won my heart and so has his momma. And what appeared to be a case of pain and trauma and loss has become so much more. This particular foster care case has connected our family to two other families....our bio mom and her boys, and Baby A's brother's foster family. 

Our love and our situation is messy and sticky and not always a situation that can be figured out at first glance, but it's one of the most beautiful messes I've ever been in. 

So today, as we celebrate the life of a tiny baby boy.....a baby boy who is well loved by so many. He has changed our hearts and our lives for sure. Happy Birthday sweet boy. 

Sometimes I write because I have to.....

There's a 12-foot, unlit Christmas tree in my living room, place settings for 28 people to eat dinner tomorrow night in my dining room, and more words in my soul than I can even begin to count. 

Sometimes I write because I want to, and sometimes I write because I have to. My mind stops working properly and all I can think about are words that I want to put on a page....words that I need to speak. 

It's been a long time since I've let words come out. A really long time. 

It's mostly because I haven't been me. I haven't felt like myself. I've been sad and overwhelmed and consumed. 

We have this baby living with us. You may know him as Baby A. 

As expected, he's rocked my world. He's changed me. And I like him. A lot. 

And when I let myself think about it too much, foster care is hard. 

But when I don't think about it, and I just do it, foster care isn't hard at all. 

Foster care is a constant reminder that this world is not where we belong. It's a reminder that we all come from brokenness and we are all broken. We're imperfect people living in a world full of sin. 

Foster care is a reminder that this world is uncomfortable and messy, and at the end of the day, none of us measure up. We can't do it on our own. And that's okay. 

I'll be honest, there are days I wish we weren't doing this....life would be so much easier right now if we weren't in this mess. But if we weren't in this mess, we wouldn't have him. 

I know, I know.....so many of you look on and wonder how we can bring ourselves to do it. How do you love a baby and give him back? 

I don't know. I really don't. That's the hard and messy part of all of this. 

I didn't know I could love a baby that wasn't mine like this. I didn't know I could ever picture myself as his momma. But I do sometimes. 

And then there's his momma, who will sit with our family tomorrow night for Thanksgiving dinner. She's just a babe herself. And there are days like today when I see her and talk to her and think about the reality of her life and I can't help but think of how different we are while in the same breath think about how very much the same we are. 

Her life looks nothing like mine. Never has. Maybe never will. And I'm not for a second saying that we have it figured out. Read 2 posts on this blog and you'll quickly see that I have no clue what the heck I'm talking about, ever. 

But I am saying that it's possible to be very much the same and very much different at the same time. 

I wonder why she ended up where she is and why I ended up where I am. Education, resources, support....all those things matter so very much. I had them. She didn't. 

And now here we are. 

Somehow divinely intertwined. She being part of my story. Me being part of hers. 

Both of us in love with the same boy. 

Isn't it always the boys that catch us ladies up? 

She having every right to love him. I have just as much right to love him too. 

And tonight, this is where we are. In this messy place called life. Praying daily that Christ takes center stage in however this story plays out....that He'll show up and show off in some miraculous way that only He can. 

All the while, everything in me wants to write the end of this story. I can see a happy ending. I can write it now and be done with it all. 

But.....

I'm not the author, and I don't know what's best. I can believe all day long that I know what's best for this baby, but I don't. I can't see the future. I don't know how it plays out, and no matter how much I want to write the ending, I won't try. I won't do it. 

What I will do is love him like he's mine. Not because I want him forever, but because that's what he deserves. Right now, he's part of our family. Will he always be? Yes. Whether he is physically here or not. Just like Shade and Ryleigh are a part of our family, Baby A will forever be Baby A in our lives. You can't forget him. You can't unlove him. He's here. He's part of us. 

That's what foster care is. It's love. Simply and truly....love. 

I hardly ever know what I'm doing

My kids think I pooped in my panties, and I hardly ever know what I'm doing. It's been a rough day, folks. 

I wish those were exaggerations or lies, but both statements are very, very true. 

My children do very much believe that I pooped in my panties a little today. My daughter found a pair of panties soaking in one of the sinks in my bathroom. She was horrified and wanted to know what on earth was in my panties. My son, of course, knew exactly what it was....has to be poop. What else could it be? 

I really hope you're laughing and not completely grossed out, but this is life people. Sometimes you need to soak your panties, and sometimes your above mentioned children conclude that the reason you are soaking your panties is because you pooped a little. {For the record, I didn't poop.} 

"Mom, did you think it was just a toot?" questions the 5 year old. 

"Yes, baby. I thought it was just a toot." 

Things are not always what they appear. Very rarely are things the way they appear actually. The more years I spend on this crazy planet, the more I understand that. 

I really hardly ever know what I'm doing. I mean, does any parent really have any clue how to do this successfully? And not even in parenting or foster care, I very rarely ever know what I'm doing in business or life either. 

Really. Hardly ever am I sure that I'm doing the right thing. 

I've observed that many successful women operate in the same belief. They don't know what they're doing....they mostly just fake it until they make it. That phrase is popular because it's real. 

I was talking to a girl who I would absolutely love to have on my Scentsy team today. She reminds me of myself. 100%. She doesn't want to misstep. She wants to do it right if she decides to do it, but she has everything it takes to be a successful business owner. I was telling her that I really had no idea what I was doing when I started as a Scentsy consultant. I just always acted like I knew exactly what  I was doing. 

To be successful, you don't have to have all the answers, you just have to be willing to find them when they arise. It's really pretty simple. 

If we always waited to do things until we thought we were equipped or ready or fully qualified, we would never accomplish anything. I think that's why so many people sit back and wait for things to happen to them. Maybe when they lose 10 lbs or when they have more time or when they feel better about their circumstances....maybe then. 

What about now?

I fail everyday in so many areas of my life. I have no idea how to parent 3 kids and a foster baby. I have no clue how to be the best wife for my man. I don't know how to inspire other people or lead them to success. I really don't. But I do it all. Every day. Somehow, all those things happen. 

We can't just sit around waiting for things to be perfect. 

Perfection doesn't exist. 

Maybe today is the day. Maybe today is the day that you hit the gym for the 1st time in months or maybe today is the day you start a new business. Maybe today is the day you love your spouse the way he deserves to be loved. Why can't today be the day? 

You're never going to figure it out. I'm never going to figure it out, but that isn't stopping me. Get up and do it anyways. 

Whatever it is. You don't have to know what you're doing. I hardly ever know what I'm doing. But that doesn't stop me from charging the darkness or doing things that I think are bigger than me. Fake it until you become it. You can. 

And even if you have a day when your kids think you pooped in your panties, pretend you did (even if you didn't) because maybe that's easier than explaining the truth to a 5 and 7 year old.  

An overdue update on all these babies and us

There's a handsome guy living with us who celebrated his half  birthday this week. He's getting bigger everyday. And louder too. Baby A is quite comfortable around here now, and he's good about vocalizing that. 

The other littles living in my house are awesome. They each come with their challenges, but that's the fun of parenting isn't it? 

Addison is a big helper around the house (most of the time). She's also stubborn and sassy, which I'm actually glad about. She's going to be one amazing leader one day. 

Luke is learning so much in kindergarten. He comes home spelling new words everyday, and he's gone from being a shy little man to a guy with quite a lot to say. He can also be stubborn in a strong, silent way for which I am also grateful. 

And Wyatt.....well it's a good thing he's cute. With just a couple of weeks before his second birthday, he is giving me a run for my money. He's entertaining and funny and a true joy, but he's also learning how to stand his ground, how to use the word no, and how to raid the pantry and refrigerator without permission. 

And then there's us. 

Brian has been traveling this month. He took his annual hunting trip and brought home an elk that filled our freezer full of good meat. Now he's in Vegas for his best friend's bachelor party for the weekend. 

I have been here. Adjusting. Attempting to survive life as a single mom of four. (It was only a week, but it was challenging!) There are all the normal mom and wife and business owner things and then there are all the foster care things. And there is this heaviness that won't seem to leave. 

The past few weeks has left me feeling like I'm pretty crappy at all the roles I currently hold. I've allowed the devil to lie to me over and over again. 

I'm not good enough. 

I don't have anything meaningful to say. 

I don't have time to workout. 

I don't have the time or energy to effectively lead. 

Date my husband? What is that? 

Lies, lies, lies. But it's easy to let them creep in and let them begin to settle into our hearts as truth. 

I know that allowing this baby into our lives has changed things. Of course he has. He's a new life and a new little love that we have to give time, energy, attention, and love to. He's changed everything. That's what babies do. 

But I haven't allowed myself the time to be still, to study, to remember what we're doing here anyways. 

I have let myself stop writing. I have let myself stop running. I have let myself stop studying God's word, and I'm a wreck because of it.

All the things that keep me healthy and normal and functioning have gone to the wayside. How does one let that happen? How could I have let all those things go? Those things matter so much. 

But I did. And I have. And I need to get back to a place where I feel like me again. 

It's slowly happening. We're adjusting to Baby A. We're adjusting to a new schedule and new responsibilities. 

And I'm re-evaluating everything. I'm re-evaluating my time and money and resources. I need to work smarter, not harder. I need to question everything. Every hour. Every minute. Every responsibility. Every Yes. 

I need to be intentional again. So it's coming. I'm coming. I'm on my way back. I'm allowing myself some grace in the midst of the mess of life, and I'm on my way back to a place where things make sense to me again. I'll be there soon. 

Oh and I'm taking a photography class because it feels good and sometimes we should do things that feel good. 

When you get overwhelmed

I know. I know. I haven't been writing like I said I would. I do fully intent to catch up because so much has been going on in our little family.

I'm currently working through and attempting to get over being overwhelmed. I don't know where that naughty little feeling comes from, but it always seems to sneak up on me. 

Yesterday, I drove 30 minutes to the Fostering Hope clinic for a follow-up appointment for Baby A. After parking, unloading, making our way thru the hospital and into the clinic, and then waiting on an available receptionist only to hear that Baby A wasn't on their schedule, well that's when I broke. 

I managed to get back to the elevator and into my car before letting the tears fall, but that was the breaking point. 

And then I cried again while lying in bed. I couldn't explain why I was overwhelmed. I just was. 

But it's that feeling of being stretched so thin, that reaffirms that I need to step back and look at where I can re-access, where I can do less, and where I can do more. So I am. This weekend, I'm simply trying hard to not try so hard. If that makes sense. 

I'm focusing on being a wife and a momma and a Scentsy and Velata consultant, and I'm not so worried about all the rest. 

I spent this morning baking and cooking for my family and prepping for a Velata tasting/Scentsy party tonight (that was fantastic!). I didn't worry too much about my to do list. I just loved on my babies and my hubby. It felt nice to breathe. 

It's time to work the de-cluttering plan....not physical clutter, but all the clutter. I want to make sure that whatever I do, I do well. I don't want my hands to be busy with just anything. I want my hands to be busy with things that matter. 

October...sweet October

It's the first of October and I wish I had made a gloriously warm and cozy soup for dinner after wearing boots all day long to celebrate what feels like the official start to Fall. But it was 93 degrees in Oklahoma today so neither of those things happened.

But my house certainly looks likes Fall, all the way down to the wild sunflowers my hubby cut for me today. 

My calendar looks like Fall too. It is ridiculously full. I love this time of year, but if I'm not careful, it can be here and gone in a moment. 

I usually sit down at the beginning of every month and set goals for the month both for my business and my family and home.

And I'm doing that this month as well, but this month my goals look different. I have goals for sales and team building and all those things in my business for sure, and I have goals for the time I plan to spend with my babies, and I even have goals for fitness and downtime.

But the most important goal I have this month is to create margin.

This time of year is simply crazy. It's a good and beautiful and messy crazy, but it's definitely crazy. I have to make an intentional effort to create margin in my life.

We are not infinite. The day does not have more than twenty-four hours. We do not have an inexhaustible source of human energy. We cannot keep running on empty. Limits are real, and despite what some stoics might think, limits are not even an enemy. Overloading is the enemy. ~Richard Swenson

 It's time to cut back. It's tome to prune so we can bloom. What do I really need to spend my time and effort on? What can wait?

This month is about making room. It's about being intentional with my time. It's about finding white space so I can breathe.

My goal this month is margin.

What is yours? 

We Will Do Anything

It's a good thing I like storms, because that saying "when it rains, it pours," has been so very true in our lives lately. 

I don't feel like we're in the midst of a storm, but I do feel like the devil would like me to believe that we are. Today was a day that many people would classify as a storm. 

It started with information about Baby A's bio mom that I didn't want to hear. It quickly moved to the results of my mammogram. They found a very small spot on one of my breasts that they need to do further testing on. The breast specialist made it clear that they were not concerned about it, but because of my genetics, we would need to test it further. 

I'm not worried about it, but it feels like this annoying look into my future where I get tested and re-tested over and over again for the rest of my life because I'm BRCA 1 and 2 positive. 

Oh and as I'm on the phone with the lady at the breast center, I look up at the ceiling in our kitchen and notice a huge water spot. 

Turns out, our water softener machine thing is leaking. I though that maybe that would mean we could get a new kitchen and new floors upstairs, but it actually just meant a $6,000 deductible. 

Bring on the rain. 

I also spent a lot of the day feeling entirely annoyed with the foster care system. You really shouldn't feel like you're under a microscope all the time as a foster family choosing to love a baby. 

And love this baby we do. We're pretty much addicted to him already, and I'm doing my best to ignore the very real possibility that he could move soon, since his time in custody will probably not be short. Everyone agrees he should be with his brother. That really is what's best. 

This afternoon, after crying in the bathroom (it was just a tiny pity party, I promise), Brian encouraged me to take the big kids to Unpluggits to paint and play for a couple hours while he stayed home with Wyatt and Baby A. 

I did it, and while the kids painted, I fell into the gospel. I'm currently doing a beautiful and simple and wonderful study by She Reads Truth called A Study of Justice.  Day 5 of the study was written by Jennie Allen.

I may have cried in the middle of a children's play place over the words she wrote in today's devotional. Maybe. 

First of all, this verse is plastered in the middle of the devotional: 

He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those whoa re foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt.  ~Deuteronomy 10:18-19

And Jennie tells a story of how she and her husband prayed a prayer that at times, she has regretted....wanted to take back....but only for moments.

That prayer? "God-we will do anything. "

It's a powerful prayer. It's a prayer that will change a life. It's a prayer that can wreck your life in the best way.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. ~Matthew 16:25 

Jennie explained that after praying that prayer "nothing in their previously sane lives was the same....God led us deeper into the lives of the people He loved and further from the safety of the familiar."

Yeah. That's what I want. And maybe, that's where we are. That's how I felt today....nothing is the same.

BUT......

"Freedom and healing hide in the backwards way God tells us to find life. Die to live. Lose to find. Empty yourself to be filled."

"God is home to us, and helping others find their way home makes our journey have a little less alien feeling."

Yep. That's exactly where I want to be. Wrecked. Changed. Helping others find their way home.
Let's do that.
Bring on the rain.

A Day of Waiting- My 1st Mammogram at 30

When everyone was picking a word at the beginning of this year, I resisted to pick a word simply because everyone else was doing it. I like to be a rebel like that. That is until the Lord placed the word trust on my heart. And He was pretty persistent about it, so I caved and decided to make trust my main goal this year. 

And I have definitely had to trust Him this year. With a BRCA 1 and 2 diagnosis and a journey back into foster care, I have needed to trust Him more than ever this year. 

Today was spent doing a lot of waiting and a lot of trusting. It was the day of doctor's appointments that needed to happen after the whole BRCA discovery. 

So today, I had an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. I had a blood test called a CA125, and I had a clinical breast exam and a mammogram along with a session with a high risk specialist. 

Here's what I learned:

I'm getting pretty good at waiting, and none of it was as bad as I made it out to be in my mind. 

The ultrasound was uncomfortable, but not painful, and the blood test was no big deal at all. 

After those lovely tests, I had to go across the street to the Breast MRI center for my session, mammogram, and breast exam. 

They treated me like a celebrity over there. Apparently my mom and I are the only two people in this particular high risk program (that follows hundreds of women in our area) with both BRCA 1 and 2 mutations. We're like super famous in the boob world. 

I was informed with new research on my gene mutations, a full list of my current options, and an explanation of what to expect in the coming months and years as we continue surveillance. Turns out that I'll have to be super serious about tracking my period since my next appointment (in 6 months) will be for an MRI and it will need to be done during a specific time frame in my cycle when the estrogen in my body is at it's lowest. Tracking my period is now on the To-Do list I guess. 

After the session, I was taken to a room for the clinical breast exam where Sharon was very thorough and explained to me exactly how I need to do my own exams. She was even sweet enough to remind me how how small I am. She assured me that she would still be able to feel things. 

Thanks, Sharon. I appreciate the reminder of my small chest size. 

I actually liked Sharon and couldn't help but smile when she commented on my small size. I was even more impressed with the non-paper gowns. I fully expected those horrid paper sheets they make people wear on TV. Nope. This was a real life, not paper sheet (or maybe it was old curtains or a tablecloth) with a hole in the middle for my head. I really did like it. 

Well, I liked it until they made me wear it to go to "the other side" as they called it, where they do the mammograms. 

You could totally see all of my side as I walked through the office. I'm sure of it. But I walked with pride through that office where I was, by far, the youngest person in the room. 

I had to sit in a waiting room all by myself and watch general hospital while wearing my floral patterned sheet. It seemed like I sat there for hours, but I think it was only 15 minutes. However long it was, it was just long enough to make me so very glad that I have other things to do in the middle of the day besides watch General Hospital (if you're a fan, I'm sorry). 

And suddenly, there was a lady in the doorway. She had obviously come for me since I was the only soul in the room. She said my name anyway, just to be sure, and off we went. 

The room with the mammogram machine in it is quite intimidating. I had to wear a giant and heavy lead skirt around my waist. 

Once the lead skirt was secured, it was time to face the machine. While I did not take this picture, this is exactly what it looks like. 

I've heard mammograms are painful. Maybe that's the case for some, but it wasn't painful for me. Maybe it's the size of my breasts (see above comment) that made it bearable for me. I don't know. 

It was incredibly uncomfortable. Mostly because there is no place to put your face when your boob is smooched in that machine. The hardest part (aside from where you're supposed to put your face) is that you have to hold your breath, and since you don't know what to do with your face, it's hard to hold your breath. If you have nice sized boobs, it may be more painful for you than it was for me. I really don't know. But I know it's short. Very short. Only takes a minute, and it's no big deal, so if you need one, you should go get one. 

And after the boob squishing, I was done. The day of waiting was over. For now. 

I really am learning more and more about waiting on the Lord. I'm not sure I understand where I fit in yet in this BRCA journey, but I'm okay waiting until the Lord shows me where I fit. I trust Him. I trust the process. I trust the journey, so here we go. 

Being Frustrated.....It's part of the deal

I wish I could encourage those of you who are possibly considering foster care by telling you that you won't be frustrated, and it'll be a smooth process to the end. 

That's just not the case. We have had Baby A in our home for almost a week (tomorrow makes a week), and we finally heard from someone at DHS today. It's a frustrating feeling to not know what's going on. It's literally like being in the dark. 

It's hard to settle when you don't have any idea how long this baby will be a part of your family. 

I wish I could encourage you and tell you that it won't be frustrating, but it will be. There are so many people involved when there are children in DHS custody, and sometimes (a lot of times) things don't get communicated the way they should. 

We literally know nothing about Baby A's bio mom at this point. I know nothing about his past, and that can be a little irritating. 

Tomorrow will be an important day in Baby A's journey. He won't be at the meeting, but bio mom will be there along with a permanency case worker, our Angels case worker, and Baby A's brother's foster parents, as well as a mediator. It's called a Family Plan meeting, and it'll be where we'll find out about why the kids are in custody and what mom's plan is moving forward to work towards getting them back. 

It'll be a hard meeting mostly because it'll be the first time we'll meet bio mom. There are so many emotions that come with meeting the mother of the baby you're loving on and caring for 24 hours a day. There's really nothing easy about it. 

There's sadness, anger, grief, anxiety, and so many more feelings that will come tomorrow. Frustration is simply part of it, however, frustration will not be what keeps me from giving love to this little guy. He deserves love from someone right now. Frustration with the system or not, this is what we're called to do. 

What we're watching this Fall

I feel like I should disclaimer this post by telling you that I'm not a huge TV watcher. This will definitely make me look like a TV watcher, but I swear I don't watch that much TV.

Brian loves TV (yes, I'm blaming him) so TV time has kind of become our snuggle time. We have several shows we watch together. It's kind of like a mini date night every night. It helps us turn off "work mode" and just be for a while. 

Our must-sees are Castle and Elementary. Love them both. If I had to pick a 1st place, it would be Castle, but only by a teeny bit.

We also love Modern Family, Person of Interest (that could probably go to the must-see list), The Blacklist, Duck Dynasty, and Trophy Wife. 

Brian watches a few others that I have to watch by default, but they're not must-sees for me. He likes Alaska the Last Frontier. Sometimes we catch Shark Tank.

I'm excited because shows are officially starting back up! Yeah for Fall TV! 

What are your must-sees? I'm sort of super nosy when it comes to what other people watch. So spill.

There's a baby sleeping in my closet

There's a baby sleeping my closet, and I can't find my panties in the dark. {Don't tell my case worker....I'll tell her myself....I swear.} 

But there seriously is a baby sleeping in my closet, and it is inhibiting my ability to find clothes and put away laundry. 

And I will tell my case worker because it's a temporary situation. It's actually a pretty sweet pad in there. He's got a fan (and there's heat and air in there), and it's nice and dark and quiet, and I'm jealous of it. 

It's a temporary fix. Since we have no idea how long Baby A will be here, we haven't decided where he should live.  Once we find out more about bio mom's plan, we'll be able to make a better decision about where Baby A should stay. 

We're loving every second with him. He's a bundle of joy. I don't know how we got such a laid back and easy baby. He might be sleeping in my closet, but he's sneaking into my heart a little more everyday. 

Oh and it's worth mentioning that Wyatt is re-living his baby days by trying out all of Baby A's gear. Stinker.

Living by Grace

I can't get words to come tonight. Maybe there are so many words rolling around inside my head that I just can't narrow them down. It's a possibility. I'm not sure.

I know that this morning I felt like a rockstar mom, but by 7:00 tonight, I was eating buttercream icing out of a can with a spoon. But that's okay. I've learned that rockstar moments come and go, and I'm just grateful I had one today. 

I've also learned that stretching is hard. And while comfort is easy, it's also boring, and boring annoys me. So I try not to do boring.

I can assure you that there is nothing boring happening around here. 

We're all adjusting to life with baby A around. He seems to be easily adjusting. It's the rest of us who need the adjusting. 

Our kids are adjusting well so far. It's sweet to watch the ways each of them love on Baby A in their own way.

Tonight, on a Scentsy online training, my sister-in-law asked me what advice I had for the consultants on our team who are working towards earning a trip. I didn't have specific advice tonight. Just advice on life in general.

I think I said something along the lines of re-assess everyday, start over when necessary, and hold yourself to a standard of grace, not perfection. It's true in business, and it's true in life. 

And that's where we are today. Forgetting about perfection.....living smack dab in the middle of grace.....with lots and lots of do overs when needed. 

Expectant in Hope

I spent the day cleaning and re-arranging. I desperately wanted to buy pumpkins at the grocery store, and then I forgot. 

My keyboard doesn't want to work the way it usually does. I have to hit some keys multiple times to make them work. I'm blaming the little guy that lives with us. He really likes to bang on keyboards. 

I want to wear boots and sweaters and go to the pumpkin patch, but as I type that, I remember that I usually wear a tank top to the pumpkin patch and sweat through the whole experience. 

I want to sit and breathe and rest, but I haven't today, until now. 

And here I find myself, letting my brain fall out on a page. Anticipating what's coming. Unsure. Scared. And expectant in hope. 

Tomorrow our home will officially be open again as a foster home. 

That means that we'll probably have a baby in our home in the less than 24 hours. A baby that's not ours, but that we'll love as ours. A baby with baggage and a past and possibly a defining moment that I'll never be able to erase no matter how much I love him or her.

Tomorrow I'll hold a baby that isn't mine but that I'll wonder if it ever could be. Could she be ours? Could he be ours? I won't be able to help it. I'll think it. 

Tomorrow we'll welcome a baby into our home that I will fight for. I will fight for restoration. I will fight because that's what every baby deserves. 

Tomorrow we'll fall in love with a baby that we may never watch grow up......that we may never see once she or he leaves our home. But we'll love anyways. We'll love bravely....without holding anything back. No one deserves guarded love. We all need love that is brave enough to love all of us. Every bit of us. The good, the bad, the beautiful....the things we can't change. 

As I type these words, my soul converses with the Lord about what's to come. Protect that baby. Guard it's heart. Cover it in your love. And then bring it to us. And show us what to do.

Lead us. 

Guide us. 

Break our hearts. 

Change us. 

We yearn to be more like you. 

My heart aches over the possibility of love to come. My heart aches over the possibly of heartbreak. And knowing it all, I know that you know so much more than I do. I know you had this all planned out. I may not see it immediately, but you have been doing a good work.....a great work....behind the scenes. Cover us in your grace. Cover our home in your peace. Protect us from the schemes of the devil. We feel him lurking while we feel you fighting for us. 

We trust you. 

Lead us. 

And tell a story so great that only you could get the glory for it. 

We are nothing without you. We love you. 

Is there fear? Absolutely. 

Is there doubt. Of course. 

Do we feel qualified. No. A million times no. 

But we're doing it anyways. Because tomorrow our home will officially be open as a foster care home, and even though we have rather narrow age limits (younger than Wyatt), we will most likely be placed tomorrow because there are babies in my state and in your state and all over America who need a home to sleep in tonight. 

And if we don't do it, who will? 

The need is great. The reward is greater. Peace. Change. Complete trust in the Lord. Those are the rewards. 

The first time we had foster babies in our home, I got rocked in the most gut-wrenching way. My world was flipped around, and suddenly I was different. I was different because I loved and rocked two babies who weren't mine.

I will never forget the day they showed up on my doorstep, and I will never forget the day they left. And I will never be the same. Ever. 

Broken. Wrecked. Messed up. I was all those things. 

And after 6 months, I was changed. Different. New. 

And tomorrow begins something new.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

and rivers in the desert.  ~Isaiah 43:19 

So tonight, I rest, expectant in hope. 

Previvors

It's been quite the 24 hours. I'm still processing yesterday's phone call. It's not the best news I've ever had, but not the worst either.

My mind usually runs a million times a minute, and today it has literally felt empty. It's a strange feeling. Almost numb. 

Brian has been incredible.....wanting to tend to my every need and feeling. I think he's been waiting for me to break down. I haven't yet, but maybe I will soon. I don't really know what to feel. Maybe that's why I feel numb.

My family is here this weekend. My mom, my dad, my sister and brother-in-law all gathered around our dining room table tonight to eat and laugh and play and celebrate, and that's a good feeling.

Luckily, I'm not the first person to face this hurdle, and have had many people step forward with encouragement and an ear to listen. For that, I am grateful.

There is also research and books and options. I've already bought several books, including Previvors. 

 

So while there is a lot to process and think and pray about, I'm grateful to those who have gone before me. Here's to another adventure. 

A Night in the ER

I have friends who regularly spend time in the ER. I hate that they are familiar with the ER scene, but I love that they are my friends. They have changed me so much.....made me look at the world in a totally different way.....made me love the Lord in a way I didn't know I could. 

And tonight, I got a tiny, itty bitty glimpse of what they deal with. 

None of our kids have ever been to the ER. We took one of our foster babies for stitches in the ER once, but our kids have never been....until tonight. 

Around 5:00 pm tonight, Luke started complaining of a tummy ache. I am the mom who used to over react every time someone said their tummy hurt. But now I'm the mom who assumes that a tummy ache is nothing at all. 

So, that's what I did tonight. I assumed he was tired or hungry or needed to poop. I mean, what else could it be? 

But within minutes he was really complaining, and it wasn't like tummy ache complaining, it was something else. Addy and Brian were headed out the door for church, and I told them to go ahead. I was thinking that maybe he caught a bug at school. No biggie. 

Not 15 minutes after they left, he couldn't stop crying, and my momma gut told me that something else was going on, so I loaded both boys up in the truck, and headed to Urgent Care. 

{On a total side note. We have the most amazing Urgent Care center in Edmond called Edmond Urgent Care. The staff there is incredible. We never have to wait, and I trust them completely. If you live anywhere near 178th and Western in Edmond, this place is amazing and open 8-8 7 days a week.} 

When we walked in the door, I was carrying Luke and holding Wyatt's hand because Luke said he couldn't walk. They asked what was going on, and I explained that Luke was having acute pain in his lower left abdominal. They didn't even check me in or ask our name. They just said, "let's just put you in a room and have Dr. Tommie look at you....you may be in the wrong place." 

And that's what they did. They put us in a room, and Dr. Tommie was in the room within minutes. He checked Luke out, and told me that we should really go to the ER. 

So I drove right down the street to church where Brian and Addy were. We decided it would be best not to take Wyatt to the ER. Luke wanted his daddy to take him, so we switched cars, and I took Wyatt home. On the way home, Brian called to say that Luke had thrown up in the car and could we bring everyone some clean clothes. So we got home and packed up clean clothes, and headed to the ER. 

Wyatt and I stayed for a bit. Luke was already in triage. They were talking about a CT scan and labs and all the mess that comes with an ER visit. 

They really wanted to rule out appendicitis even though his pain was on the opposite side, they were still looking at it as a real possibility.  

We decided that I should take Wyatt home and get him to sleep. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law came over to sit with Wyatt and pick Addy up from church so I could go back up to the ER to be with Luke and Brian. 

By the time I got back, Luke had had 3 x-rays, had thrown up again, had started an IV with fluids and been given zofran. And right before I made it back to the room, Brian sent me this picture with the words "he just passed out." 

Excuse me? 

He immediately sent another text that read "sleeping."

Oh good. 

That's better than passing out. 

As I walked into the triage room, the assisting physician had an x-ray on her phone of a very giant piece of poop stuck inside my kid. 

Poor guy. 

We had originally ruled out constipation because he pooped just last night. The kid is the most regular pooper I've ever seen. Turns out, that mess can get stuck on the side wall of your intestines and the other poop can go around it for as long as it can, until eventually it gets so compact, that nothing can pass by. 

Who knew? 

So the poor guy was just severely impacted. That may be too much info for a blog post, but I'm writing it anyways. It's real life people. 

But before it turned out to be a not too huge deal, it was scary. My mind goes to the worse case scenario. They made it sound like appendicitis was a real possibility, or worse than that, it could have been something with his pancreas or colon.  

I am so grateful that our 1st ER visit turned out to be relatively uneventful. Now we just pray for poop. 

{AND....our Last Chance/1st Glance Open House is still on for tomorrow from 1-3 or 7-9. Stop by for the best goodie bags I have ever made!} I'm just saying : ) 

Preparing to be Full

We are definitely in a season of transition. My brother-in-law moved in last week to spend his senior year here playing golf. He's a good kid, and we love having him here. It's going to be a great year. Our kids love having him here despite Wyatt's face in the picture below. {I think he was concerned about the candles Brad had just blown out...ya know...our kids never see real candles.} 

Not only did Brad move in, but my kiddos went to school this week! I won't pretend I didn't cry on the 1st day. I lost it, and wanted to go back and pick them up, but it only lasted a day. After that, they were happy, we were happy, everyone was happy. What's not to love about happy? 

Plus, they only go to school Monday-Thursday. It's pretty much perfect {except that I thought it was Saturday all day today, and I took 3 kids to Target....who does that?} 

So I'm here, preparing for this house to be full. Full of family, people, kids, and love. Oh and food. Lots of food. 

As I've been looking through my journal from our Italy trip, I found a page full of a list I titled, "How I want Italy to change me." On that list was fullness. To be full of life. Full of love. To have a house always full of people. 

We are definitely getting that. My in-laws will be here this weekend and my mom, so I get to practice that full-house thing this weekend. 

Part of "preparing to be full" has meant that we're intentionally working through each room of our house to make it more functional to serve, host, and love others. Systems, a place for everything, a plan, if you will. It's all there. 

Even tonight, I sit here thinking about how we have a couple weeks to get in the groove of school and activities and business before Brian and I head out of town for almost 2 full weeks. We're headed to Boise for the 1st ever Velata convention. We are elated. Plus, we're meeting our friends there, and we'll spend a few days with them camping and dreaming and catching up. 

Immediately after that, we get to spend several days with Scentsy's top leaders at our annual SuperStar Director Summit. It's a time to re-charge and collaborate and learn, and it is sweet food to my soul. 

Brian and I will fly from Boise to Pittsburg to help launch the business of 3 new team members. 

To say it's going to be a busy week-and-a-half is an understatement. In addition to all that, when we come home from Pittsburgh, there is a very good chance that our home will officially be open as a foster home again which means, we will very likely welcome a baby into our home the middle of September (that's less than a month away folks!). 

When I say we're preparing to be full, I mean it. But full is good. Empty is bad. 

I want to be full. I want my home to be full. I want my heart to be full. So we're preparing over here to be full. Preparing to be full of love, full of Christ, full of community, full of good.