It's been a long time since my words have found there way here....onto this screen......for all the world to see. 

I don't know why it's been so long, other than maybe I've been waiting for something. Maybe I thought something would change or something big would happen or I would have this great lightbulb moment. But nothing has really changed and nothing big has happened and I haven't had any major lightbulb moments. 

But my heart has been stirring to write again (as it always does when I'm not writing), and all the while my heart has been stirring, this mean voice in my head says things like "What do you have to write about?" and "Who do you think you are that anyone would care what you have to say." and "Why would your words matter?" and "Someone else can do it better." 

And then today I listened to what I would consider a life-changing podcast by the Influence Network featuring author Shauna Niequist. Shauna has written several books including Bread and Wine, bittersweet, cold tangerines and her most recent daily devotional titled Savor: Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You Are. 

Shauna said these words in that podcast that literally opened my eyes to why writing and sharing is so vitally important. 

When I look back at the times that I wrote here, that I shared openly and honestly about our life and our struggles and our journey, those are the times when people came to me and said, "I understand what you mean when you talk about _______. I'm glad I'm not the only one who fears __________. You reminded me that I'm not alone." 

That's ultimately what writing is about. It's not about having life changing stories happen everyday, it's about having ordinary stories happen everyday and having the eyes to see the beauty and perfection in the everyday mess and chaos of life. 

So here's who I am...right now...in this 31-year-old place. 

I am a Christ follower. I am a wife and a mom 1st. I am a leader and an influencer. I am a writer and a thinker. I am a natural introvert. I am a foster mom. I am a mom-to-be {again}. I am a BRCA 1 and 2 carrier. I am a dreamer and a doer. I am a planner. I am a friend and a sister and a daughter.  

And this is where I am. 

I'm in a season of change, not only as we prepare for the birth of our 2nd daughter, but as we prepare for the transition of our 3rd foster baby into another home. In the midst of all that change, I'm in a place of peace that I haven't been in for a long time. There are so many unknowns in our world right now, but I'm willingly resting in a peace that doesn't care about the unknown. I'm trusting that God can write a much better story than I could ever dream of writing. 

I'm in a place where I'm sick of doubt and worry, and I'm running towards grace and grace alone. 

I'm sitting in my quiet office savoring the last few days of a quiet house before all 4 kiddos are home for the Summer, and I'm eating Lucky Charms for lunch because I'm pregnant, and I can. 

I'm in a place where I'm thirsting for knowledge and understanding. I want to learn about (and am learning about) margin and prayer and giving my best yes and stewarding well what God has blessed us with and loving by doing and living a better story. 

I'm in a place where I'm seeking and creating community, where I'm investing in my kids and my spouse, and doing my very best to use the time I'm given each day in the best way possible. 

And that's it. There is no magic happening here. We don't have any brilliant stories to tell. We are simply living each day as it comes and chasing after a man named Jesus who desperately wants to use us to write one heck of a story. 

So instead of wishing for something else, I'm going to plunge right into this...this space and this time our lives that is exactly what it is and nothing more. 

Mammogram #2 and a sweet reminder that I'm not alone

Last Friday I had my 1st mammogram. They called me Friday afternoon to tell me they found a spot on my left breast. The high risk specialist on the phone made it clear that they weren't too concerned about it, but because of my BRCA 1 and 2 mutations, they needed to look into it further. 

So yesterday morning, I headed to the women's center bright and early. I checked in 10 minutes late (as is my normal operating procedure) and sat down to wait. 

And I suddenly started to feel so very alone. 

I was scared for the first time. I let my mind wander to to the what ifs. I didn't expect to do any of that, but suddenly, sitting in a room patiently waiting, I let fear set in. 

And I started praying. Lord, if this is a battle I have to fight, I'll ultimately have to do it alone in my mind. My support system is amazing. I couldn't ask for more love around me. But no one else can get in my head. No one else will have to fight the inner battle. I will have to do that alone with you. 

And as I began to feel very, very alone, my sister walked around the corner, and I nearly cried. 

It was the sweetest reminder from the Lord that I don't have to and won't ever have to walk any of this alone. My sister, my mom, my aunt, my husband, my family.....they're all going to walk it with me. Whatever this journey ends up looking like, they'll all be there. 

Just thinking about the way my soul felt when I saw my sister's face, draws tears to the brim of my eyes. It was sweet. Loving. Exactly what I needed. 

We had no idea that we both had appointments on the same day, at the same time. She was there to see our high risk specialist to discuss her surveillance plan moving forward. I was there for additional imaging (which I hadn't told her about yet), and it was October 1st......the beginning of breast cancer awareness month. 

The second I saw her, I knew that none of this would have to be walked alone. Not a single step. Not even this little wait. 

I love moments like this that the Lord orchestrates for our hearts. He knows the desires of our hearts, friends, and He wants to give us those desires!

Whitney Janzen

Yesterday · 

 

View on Instagram Today is the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month! And I am wearing my hot pink skinniest to celebrate! Knowledge is Power friends! Go get a mammogram.... I'm waiting to get one right now. They don't hurt and it doesn't take long. It's worth your time to get checked. #themoreyouknow#breastcancerawareness — at Mercy Women's Center - Oklahoma City.

The above post from my sister is proof of a sweet moment of truth that the Lord gave me yesterday {see my shoes in the upper left hand corner}. 

Ultimately, I had to go back on my own, but my strength had been renewed simply by her presence. 

The mammogram was just on 1 breast. They were specifically looking for a certain spot. When she was finished taking what felt like a million pictures of my boob, she told me that she would show the images to the doctor, and then they would come get me if I needed to have an ultrasound. 

I waited in a small waiting room they call the TV room. I watched the weather while I waited and smiled and chatted with the couple other women who came and went while I continued to wait. 

I remember wondering what it would mean if they came to get me for an ultrasound. Would it be bad? Would that mean something was serious? 

And then she came......"Mrs. Dalke, if you'll follow me, we're going to head to the ultrasound room."

Crap. 

Here we go. 

The tech was nice. The room was cold. That seems like a silly detail, but it was really, really cold in there. 

I laid and started at the ceiling while she looked thru every inch of breast tissue. She kept saying that everything looked great. It all looked normal. But when she was done, she said she needed to show the images to the doctor and that the doctor may want to come in and look again. 

Okay. 

What does that mean? I thought it all looked good. Let's button it up and head home, lady. 

And there I was again. Alone. Cold. Staring at the ceiling. Wondering if this day would be significant. 

And right in the middle of the fear that I was letting slip in, came peace. Unexplainable. Undeniable. Peace without understanding. 

Not alone. But in Christ. 

Not cold, but full of the warm light of the Lord. 

Not staring up at the ceiling, but staring up towards Heaven. 

Not wondering if this day would be significant.....knowing it would be. Because today, I was reminded that I'm not alone, and I don't have anything to fear because greater is He who is in me, than He who is in the world. 

 Then the doctor was there, and I wondered if I should sit up to introduce myself or continue lying on the table. She wanted to have a look. 

Go ahead lady. Take a look. Whatever you find, I'm good. 

She looked and looked and looked and finally re-assured me that everything looked great. All normal breast tissue. 

She wanted to confirm that I was both BRCA 1 and 2 positive and that I was seeing a genetic counselor and that I would be back in 6 months for an MRI. 

Yes and yes and yes. 

And just like that, she was gone, and all was normal, and I was free to go about my day. 

And I still don't know what my plan is. I know I'll continue high risk surveillance. Whether or not I'll do more is still up in the air. But I do know, that whatever path I walk in the future, it will not be walked alone. 

We Will Do Anything

It's a good thing I like storms, because that saying "when it rains, it pours," has been so very true in our lives lately. 

I don't feel like we're in the midst of a storm, but I do feel like the devil would like me to believe that we are. Today was a day that many people would classify as a storm. 

It started with information about Baby A's bio mom that I didn't want to hear. It quickly moved to the results of my mammogram. They found a very small spot on one of my breasts that they need to do further testing on. The breast specialist made it clear that they were not concerned about it, but because of my genetics, we would need to test it further. 

I'm not worried about it, but it feels like this annoying look into my future where I get tested and re-tested over and over again for the rest of my life because I'm BRCA 1 and 2 positive. 

Oh and as I'm on the phone with the lady at the breast center, I look up at the ceiling in our kitchen and notice a huge water spot. 

Turns out, our water softener machine thing is leaking. I though that maybe that would mean we could get a new kitchen and new floors upstairs, but it actually just meant a $6,000 deductible. 

Bring on the rain. 

I also spent a lot of the day feeling entirely annoyed with the foster care system. You really shouldn't feel like you're under a microscope all the time as a foster family choosing to love a baby. 

And love this baby we do. We're pretty much addicted to him already, and I'm doing my best to ignore the very real possibility that he could move soon, since his time in custody will probably not be short. Everyone agrees he should be with his brother. That really is what's best. 

This afternoon, after crying in the bathroom (it was just a tiny pity party, I promise), Brian encouraged me to take the big kids to Unpluggits to paint and play for a couple hours while he stayed home with Wyatt and Baby A. 

I did it, and while the kids painted, I fell into the gospel. I'm currently doing a beautiful and simple and wonderful study by She Reads Truth called A Study of Justice.  Day 5 of the study was written by Jennie Allen.

I may have cried in the middle of a children's play place over the words she wrote in today's devotional. Maybe. 

First of all, this verse is plastered in the middle of the devotional: 

He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those whoa re foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt.  ~Deuteronomy 10:18-19

And Jennie tells a story of how she and her husband prayed a prayer that at times, she has regretted....wanted to take back....but only for moments.

That prayer? "God-we will do anything. "

It's a powerful prayer. It's a prayer that will change a life. It's a prayer that can wreck your life in the best way.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. ~Matthew 16:25 

Jennie explained that after praying that prayer "nothing in their previously sane lives was the same....God led us deeper into the lives of the people He loved and further from the safety of the familiar."

Yeah. That's what I want. And maybe, that's where we are. That's how I felt today....nothing is the same.

BUT......

"Freedom and healing hide in the backwards way God tells us to find life. Die to live. Lose to find. Empty yourself to be filled."

"God is home to us, and helping others find their way home makes our journey have a little less alien feeling."

Yep. That's exactly where I want to be. Wrecked. Changed. Helping others find their way home.
Let's do that.
Bring on the rain.

A Day of Waiting- My 1st Mammogram at 30

When everyone was picking a word at the beginning of this year, I resisted to pick a word simply because everyone else was doing it. I like to be a rebel like that. That is until the Lord placed the word trust on my heart. And He was pretty persistent about it, so I caved and decided to make trust my main goal this year. 

And I have definitely had to trust Him this year. With a BRCA 1 and 2 diagnosis and a journey back into foster care, I have needed to trust Him more than ever this year. 

Today was spent doing a lot of waiting and a lot of trusting. It was the day of doctor's appointments that needed to happen after the whole BRCA discovery. 

So today, I had an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. I had a blood test called a CA125, and I had a clinical breast exam and a mammogram along with a session with a high risk specialist. 

Here's what I learned:

I'm getting pretty good at waiting, and none of it was as bad as I made it out to be in my mind. 

The ultrasound was uncomfortable, but not painful, and the blood test was no big deal at all. 

After those lovely tests, I had to go across the street to the Breast MRI center for my session, mammogram, and breast exam. 

They treated me like a celebrity over there. Apparently my mom and I are the only two people in this particular high risk program (that follows hundreds of women in our area) with both BRCA 1 and 2 mutations. We're like super famous in the boob world. 

I was informed with new research on my gene mutations, a full list of my current options, and an explanation of what to expect in the coming months and years as we continue surveillance. Turns out that I'll have to be super serious about tracking my period since my next appointment (in 6 months) will be for an MRI and it will need to be done during a specific time frame in my cycle when the estrogen in my body is at it's lowest. Tracking my period is now on the To-Do list I guess. 

After the session, I was taken to a room for the clinical breast exam where Sharon was very thorough and explained to me exactly how I need to do my own exams. She was even sweet enough to remind me how how small I am. She assured me that she would still be able to feel things. 

Thanks, Sharon. I appreciate the reminder of my small chest size. 

I actually liked Sharon and couldn't help but smile when she commented on my small size. I was even more impressed with the non-paper gowns. I fully expected those horrid paper sheets they make people wear on TV. Nope. This was a real life, not paper sheet (or maybe it was old curtains or a tablecloth) with a hole in the middle for my head. I really did like it. 

Well, I liked it until they made me wear it to go to "the other side" as they called it, where they do the mammograms. 

You could totally see all of my side as I walked through the office. I'm sure of it. But I walked with pride through that office where I was, by far, the youngest person in the room. 

I had to sit in a waiting room all by myself and watch general hospital while wearing my floral patterned sheet. It seemed like I sat there for hours, but I think it was only 15 minutes. However long it was, it was just long enough to make me so very glad that I have other things to do in the middle of the day besides watch General Hospital (if you're a fan, I'm sorry). 

And suddenly, there was a lady in the doorway. She had obviously come for me since I was the only soul in the room. She said my name anyway, just to be sure, and off we went. 

The room with the mammogram machine in it is quite intimidating. I had to wear a giant and heavy lead skirt around my waist. 

Once the lead skirt was secured, it was time to face the machine. While I did not take this picture, this is exactly what it looks like. 

I've heard mammograms are painful. Maybe that's the case for some, but it wasn't painful for me. Maybe it's the size of my breasts (see above comment) that made it bearable for me. I don't know. 

It was incredibly uncomfortable. Mostly because there is no place to put your face when your boob is smooched in that machine. The hardest part (aside from where you're supposed to put your face) is that you have to hold your breath, and since you don't know what to do with your face, it's hard to hold your breath. If you have nice sized boobs, it may be more painful for you than it was for me. I really don't know. But I know it's short. Very short. Only takes a minute, and it's no big deal, so if you need one, you should go get one. 

And after the boob squishing, I was done. The day of waiting was over. For now. 

I really am learning more and more about waiting on the Lord. I'm not sure I understand where I fit in yet in this BRCA journey, but I'm okay waiting until the Lord shows me where I fit. I trust Him. I trust the process. I trust the journey, so here we go. 

At some point, we all break

It's been almost 2 weeks since I found out about my BRCA 1 and 2 mutation. (I'll be honest. I don't know if I should call it a mutation or a diagnosis or the "you don't have cancer yet, but you probably will someday" gene).

Whatever you want to call it, today was the day I broke. No reason. No warning. Just a breaking point. 

Brian kept telling me I didn't have to be strong all the time and that I didn't have to be brave for everyone else. 

And it wasn't that I was hiding anything or holding emotions back before today, they just weren't there. I didn't really feel anything.

And suddenly today, I felt everything at once. And I broke. 

I don't know why. But it happened. And I cried and cried and cried and promised Brian that I wouldn't complain about it all the time but that I wanted to complain today. 

I'm grateful for the knowledge. I truly am. But tonight, I don't want to make the decisions or be faced with the consequences of being BRCA 1 and 2 positive. 

That's just the honest truth. 

I guess I just wanted to say that everyone breaks. And we're not always as strong as we appear. And that's okay. 

And I'm okay. I don't want you to think I'm not. I just needed a moment to be honest and real. But from here on out, no more complaining or crying, just doing. Doing something for my family and my future that will matter.