Humans are amazing

Today was hard.

There just aren't any other words to describe it.

The day started with my bible study group getting together to make a list of the people we knew who lost their homes.

The closest was a family member of someone in our group. So we set out to buy clothes for 4 littles boys to get them through the next week or so.

In the car, on the way to Wal-Mart, I made the comment that doing something was so much better than watching the news. The news was becoming too much to bear. I watched until 2:00 am last night just waiting for good news.

The good news came this morning when the news reported that 101 people were rescued during the night. Praise the Lord!

So I was beginning to feel better. We were out. We were actively helping. And that felt good.

And then I got a call from a dear friend who had the most horrific job today of being in the room with parents as they found out their children were confirmed dead. I can't even type it without tears running down my cheeks. I just can't imagine.

Ryan and Mike buried their daughter Ellie Kate in December, so they understand more than most what it's like to lose a child. It's not the same circumstances, but it's still the loss of a child. And most of us have no idea what that pain is like. We can only imagine, and our thoughts alone are terrifying and horrific.

But Ryan called me with a very specific assignment. One of the families they were able to minister to not only lost their daughter but also their home yesterday (as so many families who lost children did). This momma asked for an outfit to take to the funeral home tomorrow. Specifically, a shirt with a unicorn on it.

As soon as I heard from Ryan, I was on it. Ready to work and do whatever we could to make this happen for this family. I immediately contacted a friend of mine who has an embroidery shop to see if she could make a unicorn shirt.

Of course, she not only made 1, but she made several for this momma to choose from. And then it was the matter of a skirt. We needed to complete an outfit. Emily loved frilly skirts and tutus.

So many of you offered your time and money and talents to make sure Emily looks beautiful. At the end of the day, I picked up a perfect purple tutu and a gorgeous black petticoat (her favorite colors were purple and black). Two beautiful souls drove from Chickasha to Edmond to bring them to me.

And as I drove home in the midst of a beautiful evening in Oklahoma, I couldn't stop the tears.

And I sobbed and I wailed and I told God a thing or two about how I really feel about all this.

It all suddenly became too real.

And I wanted to argue. I wanted to yell. I wanted to say that it sucks.

And I said it. I told Him that I think this is horrible and not fair and horrific.

I told Him that I knew He could have saved them, but He didn't.

But He didn't.

And then through my tear filled eyes, I saw the sun break through the clouds as it began to set over the horizon, and I couldn't believe that it was only yesterday. It feels like a lifetime already.

And in that moment, it occurred to me, that if there is no pain, if there is no sorrow; If we never mourn and we never question and we never get angry....then we don't need Him at all.

But there is pain and there is sorrow. And we mourn and we question and we're mad about it. And it's not fair.

And I need Him.

And we need Him.

And in my rage and anger and sheer sorrow, He was so incredibly close.

I saw the hands and feet of Christ today so very very clearly. I watched as people full of sin and self righteousness, stepped out of their selfishness and gave freely of all they had.

Humans are amazing.

In the midst of our sin and imperfection there is something good that rises up that so desperately wants to give and serve and love.

In the hardest of times, at the core of who we are, we are so much like Christ.

It's when the day becomes monotonous and common that we stray from our spirits of giving and hope and love and become consumed with ourselves.

But in times of crisis we begin to act more like He who created us. And beautiful, beautiful things happen.

Today, I am proud to be a human, made in the image of God.

He is good in the midst of the bad. He is true when everything seems false. Sovereign always.

I heard Him whisper to me today that this is only a breath. Only a moment that we are here. There  is so much more that we don't understand or see.

I will not pretend to have all the answers. I don't. But I will reassure you that if you cry out to Him, if he seek Him, even if you get mad at Him, He will comfort you. He will reassure you. He will bring peace that only He can bring.

Father, tonight I pray that you would comfort those who seek you. Bring peace to the families who lost loved ones. Only you know their pain, Lord because you sent your only Son to die for us. And we are eternally grateful. Help us to trust you. Help us to find comfort and solace in your arms.

In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

Praying Tonight

I don't have words to even begin.

The largest tornado in history ripped through a town only 30 miles south of our home today. Moore, Oklahoma how we are covering you in prayer.

My heart has literally ached today. I sat anxiously awaiting the news that our friends in the path of today's tornado were safe. Hours later, we received the call that all was well with those we love and know.

Unfortunately that was not the case for everyone's loved ones today. At nearly midnight, I'm still up, glued to the news. The tears come and go. The hardest part to handle is the elementary school. Words like "make-shift morgue" "children drowned" "like a warzone" "91 killed." It's just too much.

Even the reporters are crying and emotional. I've never seen anything like it.

I can't stop the tears. It doesn't make sense. You want to be able to blame someone, but there is no one to blame.

Many people will blame God. They will get angry, and look for somewhere to point the blame. We're human. We want it to be someone's fault. But it's not.

I don't have the explanation as to why natural disasters happen. I wish I had answers there. We all do. But I do know about a savior who came to bring peace to the world.

And even though the Bible doesn't speak directly about natural disaster, it does talk about tribulation. And I don't know greater tribulation than this.

The Bible guarantees that we will walk through tribulation. My prayer is that all the pain and hurt and loss turns people toward Christ and not away from Him. It is okay to be mad. It is oaky to ask questions. It is often in our anger that we find what we're looking for.

I prayed over my children tonight; thanked the Lord for them; let them know how much they are loved and cherished in my eyes. And I let silent tears fall from my eyes as I snuggled them in their beds while praying unceasingly for those mommies and daddies who don't know where their babies are tonight.

Oh Lord, when we have no words, would you cover us? When we don't know how to pray, would you take what's on our hearts and translate it? When it seems like there is no hope, would you bring miracles and mercy and grace?

You alone can comfort those who are hurting. You alone can bring peace. Father, comfort the families who lost loved ones. Lay your powerful hands of mercy over the city of Moore, Oklahoma.

And Lord, would you guide us? Would you help us to honor you always as we hear the stories of rescue and recovery?

You are our healer, our creator, our comforter, our counselor, our source of peace. Be evident in the midst of this chaos. Be present in the middle of this disaster.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12 ESV

Please pray for Oklahoma. Give what you can. Serve how you can. Minister how you can. Be the hands and feet of Christ.

Our God is good. I know that much. Lord, please let your glory be shown amidst the circumstances.

3 ways you can give right now to help out people in Moore. 

Text STORM to 80888 for Salvation Army. 
Text REDCROSS to 90999 for Redcross. 
Text FOOD to 32333 for Reg. Food Bank

Until tomorrow,
Allison

So, okay

I heard the video on Brian's phone before I saw it. I knew who it was.

We were trying to get him to take his first steps.

Toe headed. Blue eyed.

Not my baby, but he could have been. I loved him that much.

Every time I think about him, I think about the first time I saw him on my front porch. I opened the door and he immediately held his arms out to me. I took him from the case worker and grabbed his big sister by the hand. She was only 11 months older than him.

In a second, he laid his head on my shoulder, and I was done.

In an instant, I knew this would be much harder than I thought it would be.

They had been in DHS custody and in the shelter for seven days.

They were dirty and tired and beautiful.

And the questions came.

Why and how could anyone ever do anything to have these babies taken from them? How could you live knowing that your babies were in a children's shelter?

Yeah, this was going to be harder than I thought.

And it was. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I loved them. I didn't love them enough. I loved them too much.....I felt every one of those feelings in a single day.

There were days I never wanted them to leave...days that I wanted them to be mine. And then there were days when I thought that I would never work my way out of the mess I had gotten us into.

And it was messy both literally and emotionally, and it still is.

Anytime you open your heart to love, it gets messy. There is no clean way to love. Love is messy and imperfect and flawed and beautiful.

On Sunday, I found myself mad and asking a lot of questions. I tend to go on question overload when I get mad.

Why would you let us love them like that? Why would you let them go through all this pain and confusion? Why would you do this to family who thought they would be able to adopt them? Why would you let their momma ever screw up in the first place? Why?

And I realized I was disappointed.

I am disappointed in their mom. Why is she playing this game? Why can't she see what's best for her babies?

And then I started to wonder if the Lord was disappointed in me, and I started asking myself if I was disappointed in Him?

Because all this time, I thought we were being obedient. I thought we were doing what we thought You had called us to.

Become foster parents? 

Okay.

Take in two babies? 

Okay.

Now we have four babies under the age of five? 

Okay.

Move?

Okay.

To California?

Okay.

Now?

Okay.

Give them up?

Okay.

You see, to me, I thought this plan He had was starting to pan out exactly like it was supposed to. We had the babies for six months. Then the most amazing family came forward who wanted to adopt them, so we willingly gave them up. We were moving....remember? Someone knocked on our front door and asked if we would be willing to sell our house on the very day that I asked the Lord for a clear and obvious sign that we were supposed to move to California. The only way you get more clear than that is if Jesus Himself shows up on the front porch.

We even went to California and tried to buy three houses and none of it panned out.

And then Wyatt was born and we both knew that we were supposed to stay. And in a matter of about a week of looking at houses, we found the house on the piece of property that we had always dreamed of. (And we had looked for a good year before that and never could find what we wanted.)

So, I was sure the next part of the story would be about their foster family adopting them and us going to the courthouse to celebrate the officialness of it all. And it would be so clear that we did what we were supposed to do and everything worked out.

But that's not what's happening.

Now these babies are being reunified with their birth mom. I know. It's their mom. Don't get on your high horse and tell me that blood is always better. It's not. I've seen it.

I tried so incredibly hard to love her.....to give her every chance to be the mom I thought she should be to them.

I wanted to have that great story of how we mentored her and she stopped doing drugs and she got a steady job and she got her driver's license back and she broke the stronghold of domestic abuse and drug abuse in her family line.

But I was naive.

I know that happens sometimes. But it didn't happen for us. And eventually I gave up on her.

And I can't help but ask the Lord, "Are You disappointed in me?"

I want it to be someone's fault. I want what seems so wrong to be pointed back to someone.

Maybe we should have never given them up. Maybe we should have been stronger. Maybe we should have tried harder with her.

And in the middle of my questions and frustration and anger during worship on Sunday, I heard Him so clearly say to me,

"Do not be disappointed in Me. I am not disappointed in you. Trust Me. Trust Me. Trust Me."

You would think that me being the wonderful Christian I am (please note the sarcasm), that I would be okay with that. "Okay, Lord, I will trust You."

Nope. Not what I was thinking at all. I was more like yelling back at Him. "Trust You?! This is what happens when I trust You! You take them away again from everything they know and love to go into circumstances that can't be great, and You want me to trust You?!"

I realize that you think I'm crazy at this point, but this is the kind of relationship I have with the Lord. I love Him with everything in me and I will do whatever He asks me to do, but that doesn't mean I can't get mad at Him or question Him or simply not understand Him.

And then I sat through church and listened to the message and took notes and sort of turned my shoulder away from the Lord. Like if He had been sitting next to me, I would have turned away from Him slightly.....because I was mad.

And then I realized in a second that their bio momma is His child too and they are His children way more than they were ever mine. And my heart broke all over again. I knew that. I did. But I forgot for a second. And He reminded me. He loves them more than I do.

So, okay.

Simply, okay.

Ellie Kate

I grew up attending a decent sized Methodist church with my mom and my sister. I had a Precious Moments bible that my dad and my ex-step mom gave me that I liked to highlight verses in. (And no that wasn't a typo, I actually have a few ex-step moms.)

We attended church regularly. We sang the hymns from the hymnal found in the back of every pew and listened to light hearted messages given by our pastor.

There was always a children's time at the altar before children's church began. And I distinctly remember the carpet being forest green throughout the entire sanctuary. There wasn't a Sunday that the organ didn't play or that we didn't recite the Lord's prayer.

I even went through confirmation as a 5th grader where I went to a 2-day camp with all the other 5th graders with the grand finale of the event being the 8 of us standing at the front of the congregation Sunday morning to be sprinkled with water, take our first communion and be welcomed into the family of God.

At least that's how I remember it.

My knowledge of the bible was minimal, and my prayer life was non-existent unless I was praying for the Lord to magically get my parents back together.

And so was life. I grew up in a church going through the motions ever Sunday, but I had no idea who Jesus or the Holy Spirit really was. You could say we had not been properly introduced yet.

My closest encounter to the Holy Spirit was in the middle of a football field at an FCA rally where I raised my hand when someone with a microphone asked who wanted to accept Jesus as their personal savior. I'll admit that I was confused at that moment because I thought that was what I had done years earlier during my 5th grade confirmation. But it sure didn't feel like this.

I felt like I needed this man desperately. I needed Him to be in charge of my life. Not me.

But then, being the coward I am, I didn't walk to the front of field and pick up my free bible with everyone else who raised their hand. I was embarrassed. I thought that accepting Jesus Christ as my personal savior was something I should have done a long time ago, but I never really had.

Fast forward a good 10 years, and my life has been drastically changed by allowing Christ to come into it. There was no immediate change for me. I continued to make poor choices after that day on the football field, but there was something new inside me that often whispered to me that maybe I wasn't always doing the right things.

My relationship with Christ would be a complicated one. I would throughly ignore Him and the Holy Spirit (that still, strong voice that I often heard whisper to me) for a long time. And then in an act of repentance, I would search Him out again and attempt to do the right thing and "be a better person." But I just could never get a handle on the whole God thing.

When I was 26 years old, I would meet a little girl that would completely turn my world upside down. She would change the way I thought about God and life and heaven.

She was only 4 years old. A little girl who would never speak a word, but would change my life completely.

Her name is Ellie Kate. And if you never had the chance to meet her, I'd like to ask you to take a few minutes to let me tell you about a life well lived.

Elizabeth Kathleen McLaughlin went to meet Jesus on December 23, 2012. She was a 7 year old miracle.

In all honesty, I have tried to write this for an incredibly long time and simply haven't been able to finish. But tomorrow is a very special day. It's NKH awareness day, and I know Ellie would have wanted you to know about NKH and about how hard she fought to beat it.

This is my Ellie story.

Our lives intertwined through the beautiful picture of God's grace. He knew I needed a reality check, and it came in the form of a little girl who would steal away my heart the moment I laid eyes on her.

Ellie Kate's momma and I met through a Scentsy donation to a project she was working on that involved taking Care Baskets to families in the hospital with children who had rare, serious, or undiagnosed conditions. They are simply baskets of love full of comfort care products....toys for the kids, Scentsy for the parents, the essentials like shampoo and conditioner, lotion and a toothbrush.

I made a donation and met Ryan Elizabeth McLaughlin for the first time and could not stop thinking about her and her daughter Ellie Kate.

Ellie Kate suffered from an extremely rare condition called NKH or Nonketotic hyperglycinemia. NKH is a rare genetic disorder that affects 1 child in every 60,000 born. Children with this condition have a problem breaking down the amino acid glycine. This is caused by a defect in the genetic code for the machinery that is responsible for the glycine breakdown (called glycine cleavage enzyme). Amino acids are natural components of our body. Because glycine is not broken down, it accumulates in the body. Glycine is an important molecule in the brain where it has various functions such as transmitting signals from one brain cell to another. Excessive glycine disrupts the function of the brain. 

For the record, I am the person for never watches the news or sad movies. I like to live in my own little bubble where things hardly ever go wrong. I liked my bubble and I wanted to stay there, but the Lord had very different plans for me.

I get overwhelmed with emotion even thinking about how he slowly wrapped us up in the lives of the McLaughlins.

I couldn't stop thinking about what Ryan's life must be like. How do you even live knowing that you will out live your baby girl? How do you function in and out of the hospital constantly, never knowing what tomorrow will bring?

And I got really really mad.

I started questioning everything I knew about God.

Why would a good God allow this to happen? Why would He let Ellie and her family suffer so much?

No matter how much I wanted to escape back into my world where things were fine and babies were healthy, I couldn't stop thinking about that beautiful little girl.

And then, I got to meet Ellie Kate. And I have never been the same since that day.

I wish you could meet her. Oh, I wish you could meet her! To say that she was beautiful would be an understatement. She was not only beautiful, she was wonderfully and perfectly made. Knit in her mother's womb by her creator.

There were no flaws. There was no mistake.

No, her earthly body never worked the way it was supposed to, but she didn't even need it. She didn't need to speak or walk or sing (even though she was making serious headway on the walking!). She simply had to be exactly who she was to change me.

Anointed is the best word that I can think of to describe Ellie. Placed here on this earth to do the will of her Father and change countless people through her life.

You see, I wanted to know why He would let a little girl suffer the way He did.

I wanted to know why He would let a wonderful family suffer the way they did.

I wanted to know why a good God would let such a terrible thing happen. It wasn't fair. It still isn't fair.

And in all my anger and frustration at this God that I thought I knew and understood, I began to search out the answers in His word and through sermons online and in prayer.

 And I learned that her life was for a great and Holy purpose.

I began to understand the love of a Father who knows so much more than we do. His plan is so much bigger than anything we can even imagine in our minds.

I began to see that I would never be able to explain it all in worldly terms, but I would fall more and more in love with a God I began to trust. He knows what is best for me always.

Ellie was what it would take for me to seek him out. He had been seeking after me for a long time, but He knew it would have to be me going all in to make our relationship real.

I believe with everything in me, that the Lord could have healed Ellie while she was here on earth. A miracle. lt would have been an absolute miracle.

But it wasn't a miracle that made me believe. I found Him in the eyes of a little girl with the most beautiful and ornery smile. She was ornery. She loved to rough house. She has 2 brothers, Conner and Henry who loved to wrestle with Ellie.

She was a hopper. Going from room to room hopping on her knees. Always following her momma around as she made the rounds.

And as I think about Ellie in this moment there is the biggest smile on my face. Tears running from eyes, but a smile. Because she was simply joy. Pure and simple, gut-grabbing JOY.

And I miss her. I miss the angel that we only got to have here for a breath....a moment. Not nearly long enough.

She never said a single word to me, but she taught me more about the love of our creator....about his faithfulness and truth.....about his bigger plan than any words ever could.

I could never wrap my mind around heaven before Ellie. It actually scared me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it did. I can't wrap my head around what eternity is, and that scares me. Because I can't imagine it, it scares me.

But now, I see her there. She was there the moment she took her last breath. I know that she heard the words "well done my good and faithful servant" because she was. She was a servant sent here to change sinners like me. It's not fair, but it's so much bigger than the small picture we see here on earth.

I see her dancing, playing, singing, running. She is perfect now, and the hardest part about it is that one day, I will be too because of her.

Oh Ellie, I wish I could tell you what you've done. I wish I could tell you about the love and passion and desire you have created in my heart and in my soul. One day, my love, I will see you again as we stand side by side worshiping Jesus. I love you beautiful girl. Thank you for changing so many of us. There are so many people who love Jesus more because of you.

Ryan and Mike, thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with the world.

Conner and Henry, thank you for letting us love your sweet sister.

And sweet Lucy Belle, your fight is not over, my love. You bring joy and light to your family and countless others. Keep fighting sweet baby girl.

Please help to spread the word about NKH:
To learn more about NKH or to donate money to go directly towards research please visit the NKH Crusaders website or like the Crusaders page on Facebook.

To see the NKH Crusaders, watch this video in memory of and honoring some of NKH's strongest fighters.

Book Lover

I am a lover of all things books.

I'm that mom that orders like every single book in the Scholastic book order form and makes my kid carry home a 10 lb backpack.

When we moved, the boxes of kid's books filled an entire section of the moving van.....seriously.

I can't help it. I just love books.

Kind of like I love pens and purses and bags.....Now that I think of it, maybe that's why I became an English teacher. Just the thought of all those colored pens sitting on my desk in a cute little cup and the rows and rows of books I would have in my classroom organized by genre with a color coded sticker on the spine. Apparently the thought of all that organized book bliss made me spend 4 years in college so I could teach school for 2 and then quit my job to stay home with my baby girl and make more money doing something better (where I can still have colored pens and books....and purses and bags), but I digress.

Anyways, as I was saying. I really love books. So much so that I opened up my laptop to tell you about it, got distracted by a blog post, and ended up buying yet another book for my kindle.

It's a serious condition I have. I'm telling you. I have more books on my "to read list" then I will ever probably have time to read in a lifetime. And then people are going to keep writing more books, and my list will keep growing, and then what I am going to do?!

Have an even longer list I guess.

So I say all that to simply tell you that I love books (in case you haven't picked up on that one yet).

I love they way they make me feel. I love the memory I have of snuggling up with a book as a teenager and going to a different place. A place where it didn't matter what people thought of me or what kind of jeans I was wearing, or who my friends were.

Books have long been an escape for me....a journey to magical places and secret gardens (one of my favorite books as a little girl!), and I hope that my kids will love them the way I do.

As an adult, books help me gain perspective on life outside my bubble. They have helped me to see Christ in others and learn that I'm not the only one without perfect parenting skills. Books make me want to be a better person. They take me from the "I've got this" mentality to the "there is always something to learn" perspective, and I think overall, that perspective has served me well.

So with all that being said, I'm curious.....what is your favorite book lately? And what is your favorite kids' book?

I'm smack in the middle of reading Sparkly Green Earrings- Catching the Light at Every Turn by Melanie Shankle (aka Big Mama), and I cannot put it down. Anyone with kids (of any age) will smile through the pages of this one.

And my favorite kid's book right now is called Press Here by Herve Tullet. It is the funnest book for kids. Both my 4 and 6 year old beg to read it over and over again.

It's your turn....what are your favorites? Thanks in advance for sharing! 

When the Sky Makes Sense

I needed to be here today. I wanted my feet in the dirt.

I wanted to hear the birds in the rafters.

I wanted to see their eyes...so incredibly peaceful and powerful. 

Do you ever wish you could stand on top of a mountain or put your feet in the sand at the edge of the ocean?

That's sort of what I needed today.

The peace of the barn. 

The sound of their hooves in the dirt. 

The peace of their eyes.

Inside the stable, I feel peace.


It's the kind of peace I hope my kids feel in their rooms at night.

I lie with them each night before bed. And their rooms feel safe.

Stars fill their dark ceilings and music plays softly in the background.



It's the kind of peace that I hope they'll find in nature.

The whisper of a warm, gentle breeze.

The peace of bare feet in soft summer grass. 



When the world doesn't make sense, the sky does. 

When I start to question why people do the things they do, the birds go about their business as they always have, and I'm comforted by them. 

When fear begins to creep in because we live in a scary world surrounded by evil, I am reminded that my God is the beginning and the end. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He always is, always was, and always will be. 

And like I said once before, if it all comes crumbling down, and my worst fears ever become reality.....then, God. 

Nothing more and nothing less. He is all I need. And today I was so comfortingly reminded of that truth. 

(Written on Tuesday, April 17th. 1 day after the Boston Marathon.) 

Baby Lag...because it's a real thing

I'm inventing a term....it's called "baby lag."

It's going to be a real thing, people. I'm telling you now. Start using it with your friends because it's real!

I recently had a baby, and by recently, I mean less than a year ago.

That's recently if you ask me.

and I still have baby lag.

I feel like I'm slowing emerging from the fog of baby lag, but it's a very slow and arduous process.

I am in complete awe of you super moms who have a baby and then return to normal life and work as if nothing odd at all has happened in a mere 6 weeks.

Seriously?

I'm still complaining about my back pain and the inability I have to breathe when I go up the stairs, and I have not been "with child" in 6 months!

(oh, I'm sorry....did you say that's just being out of shape? Oh, okay, then that's what I am too.)

I am suffering from baby lag AND out of shapeness. There. Are you happy?

Great.

Me too.

So back to that baby lag thing...in case you have not yet caught on, I'm doing a play on words...instead of "jet lag" it's "baby lag."

So now we're all on the same page.

I tell you all this to tell you that I'm sorry that I apparently forgot how to open my computer in the past 6 months. If you have emailed me, tweeted me, facebooked me or tried to link me in (I'm still confused about that one too),  I have probably not responded to you.

This post is not a reassurance that I will respond to you, just a clarification that I am not unsupportive or unresponsive or uncaring, I am simply suffering from baby lag, and I cannot guarantee a time frame in which my life will return to standard operating procedure.

But in the meantime, I have decided (in my midnight, "I'm still nursing, therefore pumping while I should be sleeping state") that I am supposed to and will be writing from this point on until you can't stand my craziness any longer.

Just thought you should know that I have a legitimate excuse and it's called, "I recently made a baby, and I'm still not over it."

Hoping you still love me and didn't forget who I was.