Expectant in Hope

Monday, September 15, 2014

I spent the day cleaning and re-arranging. I desperately wanted to buy pumpkins at the grocery store, and then I forgot. 

My keyboard doesn't want to work the way it usually does. I have to hit some keys multiple times to make them work. I'm blaming the little guy that lives with us. He really likes to bang on keyboards. 

I want to wear boots and sweaters and go to the pumpkin patch, but as I type that, I remember that I usually wear a tank top to the pumpkin patch and sweat through the whole experience. 

I want to sit and breathe and rest, but I haven't today, until now. 

And here I find myself, letting my brain fall out on a page. Anticipating what's coming. Unsure. Scared. And expectant in hope. 

Tomorrow our home will officially be open again as a foster home. 

That means that we'll probably have a baby in our home in the less than 24 hours. A baby that's not ours, but that we'll love as ours. A baby with baggage and a past and possibly a defining moment that I'll never be able to erase no matter how much I love him or her.

Tomorrow I'll hold a baby that isn't mine but that I'll wonder if it ever could be. Could she be ours? Could he be ours? I won't be able to help it. I'll think it. 

Tomorrow we'll welcome a baby into our home that I will fight for. I will fight for restoration. I will fight because that's what every baby deserves. 

Tomorrow we'll fall in love with a baby that we may never watch grow up......that we may never see once she or he leaves our home. But we'll love anyways. We'll love bravely....without holding anything back. No one deserves guarded love. We all need love that is brave enough to love all of us. Every bit of us. The good, the bad, the beautiful....the things we can't change. 

As I type these words, my soul converses with the Lord about what's to come. Protect that baby. Guard it's heart. Cover it in your love. And then bring it to us. And show us what to do.
Lead us. 
Guide us. 
Break our hearts. 
Change us. 
We yearn to be more like you. 
My heart aches over the possibility of love to come. My heart aches over the possibly of heartbreak. And knowing it all, I know that you know so much more than I do. I know you had this all planned out. I may not see it immediately, but you have been doing a good work.....a great work....behind the scenes. Cover us in your grace. Cover our home in your peace. Protect us from the schemes of the devil. We feel him lurking while we feel you fighting for us. 
We trust you. 
Lead us. 
And tell a story so great that only you could get the glory for it. 
We are nothing without you. We love you. 

Is there fear? Absolutely. 

Is there doubt. Of course. 

Do we feel qualified. No. A million times no. 

But we're doing it anyways. Because tomorrow our home will officially be open as a foster care home, and even though we have rather narrow age limits (younger than Wyatt), we will most likely be placed tomorrow because there are babies in my state and in your state and all over America who need a home to sleep in tonight

And if we don't do it, who will? 

The need is great. The reward is greater. Peace. Change. Complete trust in the Lord. Those are the rewards. 

The first time we had foster babies in our home, I got rocked in the most gut-wrenching way. My world was flipped around, and suddenly I was different. I was different because I loved and rocked two babies who weren't mine.

I will never forget the day they showed up on my doorstep, and I will never forget the day they left. And I will never be the same. Ever. 

Broken. Wrecked. Messed up. I was all those things. 

And after 6 months, I was changed. Different. New. 

And tomorrow begins something new.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.  ~Isaiah 43:19 

So tonight, I rest, expectant in hope. 


  1. What I wouldn't have given to have a foster parent like you instead of the, ahem, interesting foster care experience I had.

    1. oh love! What sweet words you have. I'll still be your foster parent if you want me to : )

  2. I love your transparency, Allison. When you said 'no one deserves guarded love'...wow. That hit me in the face. So powerful. I can't even imagine bringing a little life into our home and not knowing when/if they will be removed from our care. But I suppose it's like our own children in a way. God tells us that they're aren't 'our' children and in all reality, we never know when our own children will be gone.
    We've been chatting a lot recently in our home about the ripple affect that our actions/words have on others, even when we don't know it (either for good or for bad).
    While as a newborn, that little one won't recognize their 'baggage', they will likely hear about it later on in life. But I am certain that your actions will ripple into their life as they grow up and things will be different (in a positive way) for them.

    1. Tara, you are so very right. Our own children are not really ours. And I love the term "ripple effect." What a powerful way to think about the words we speak and the things we do!

  3. Your words are so touching. Allison you really inspire me. I think what you and your husband do is amazing!

    1. Samantha, we love you! Maybe one day you'll be doing what we're doing!

  4. I am a first time foster mother who just had to say goodbye for the first time and it broke my heart. Completely broken but I am thankful that I was there to show him right and wrong and love unconditionally. I will continue because I agree who will if I don't. Thank you for your story. It is exactly how I felt and am feeling! Good luck to you!

    1. oh I understand. I understand so much. That hurt and pain and often lack of understanding is a hard thing. Thank you for loving on littles who need love so very much. One day the whole story will make sense.
      Best of luck with your next foster care journey!

  5. Such beautiful words. This is a post I will come back to again & again as we continue in the foster care journey

    1. Ashley, thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad this is encouraging to you. I'll be praying for your journey. Let me know if you ever want to chat.


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