Why?

There are days that I have flat out asked, "Why would You lead us into something so hard?"

I love Him and He already knows what I'm thinking, so why not ask? And I have, over and over again.

He seems to be silent on the issue, never really wanting to offer up an explanation.

It's not fostering itself that's hard. It's that we went from two to four overnight, and the majority of the time, the four of them don't get along. My two get along. The two babies get along, but you put all four of them together and someone is always fighting.

I have even flat out told Him on many occasions that I don't want to do this anymore, and there are many, many days that I don't want to anymore. I'm just tired. And I miss my kids. I miss them during quiet times when we would snuggle. I miss the attention they used to give me and I used to give them.

And I miss my husband. I miss him so incredibly much that writing that brings tears to my eyes. He is incredibly present in all of this. He is the sail that keeps this ship on course every single day. Since we've found out that I'm pregnant, he wakes up with the babies every morning and feeds (and sometimes dresses) everyone while I get a few extra zzzs.

In the evening when everyone is finally in bed and the house is picked up and we've both fulfilled the day's tasks, we are so tired that we barely get to talk about the day. Raising four babies is exhausting. There just isn't a better word for it.

I have never missed my husband like this. It is so strange to miss him so much when he's often right next to me.

We haven't been as adamant about date nights lately, not because we're not trying, but because we're busy and it's hard to find a sitter. And as a result, I miss him, and I miss us.

And in the midst of all that missing, I miss lots of other things....like normal life. I miss my life. I miss the freedom of only having to worry about my kids. I miss downtime and relaxation. I miss my patience and my sanity.

And I pray often that my children won't remember me like this. I don't want them to feel this burden. I don't want them to be stressed or sad or impatient or angry.....all things that I feel and am on a daily basis.

And I keep asking, "Why would You bring us into something so very hard?" But when I ask, He's silent.

I don't doubt that it was these babies and this family and this mom that we were meant to help. I have no doubt about it at all. And even if it were only for this mom, then it is worth it.

But, I still wonder. There are many times I have even told Him that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to. But every time I say that, every time I plead for him to take it away, all that comes from the other end is peace.

He has asked us to walk this very path, and I'm sure it's for a very specific reason, but there are days that this entire fostering experience sums up to being the hardest thing we have ever done, and we walked into it willingly.

But, I'm learning. I'm learning about grace. I'm learning about my absolute NEED for the Lord. I need Him like I need water. I need Him daily. And I have learned how to ask for help. I've learned how to rely on other people. I've learned how to say, "I just can't do this." And the body of Christ has responded. I've learned what a church family is. And that one pushes me over the edge and makes tears fall silently down my face. It is the most beautiful blessing anyone could ever ask for.

It's not about the building or the "church" itself, it's about the people who have given so much for us. They have never once looked at me like I'm crazy as I drag four small children into church by myself. They have never asked why we would do it or told us that maybe it was too much for us to handle. They have only loved us. They have only supported us. They have only encouraged us. I can't begin to describe to you what the women in my life group and the staff at our church and all the other people at church that we have grown to know and love have given to us. The love of Christ. Prayers at the right time. Support at the right time. Food at the right time. They have simply given. And it has been more than enough.

This adventure cannot be described as anything else but an adventure. There are days I want to turn around and go home, but I know the end of the journey will be one glorious site.

We're being stretched. We're being changed. We're on the greatest adventure of our lives.

Pain isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes pain simply means that God is doing something great inside you.

.....day 243 of a year of writing.....