War

My mind is jumbled with a million thoughts...on the top of the list: babies, God's Word, and baseball. Random, I know, but they are all things that happen to be rather important right now. I wish I had time to filter all of my thoughts before they end up here in the jumbled mess they usually turn into, but I don't. I'm lucky if I have time to shower in all honesty.

I'm beginning to understand a few things. I think. Encouraging, huh?

I'm tired of being in a constant state of struggle...it's like the inner battle in my mind and my heart won't cease. No one is winning at the moment. It just keeps going on and on and on. The warriors in there are fierce and persistent. Neither one wants to back down.

I've been thinking a lot about who the Lord has called me to be lately, and what He has called me to do. I am a firm believer that He gives each of us special talents and gifts that He calls us to use for a task that only we can do. Seeing that vision can be hard at times. But after working through the Chazown experience, it has all become very clear to me.

Unfortunately, I don't feel like I'm walking in my purpose at all right now. I don't feel like I'm doing much good for anyone at all in all honesty. I feel like I'm attempting to survive...nothing more.

I don't know when I started missing my kids, but I do miss them. I feel disconnected from them almost. I think they're starting to feel it, too. Kids are tough and resilient, but I think it's finally starting to wear on them.

I asked them today how they would feel if the babies went to live with another family until their mommy and daddy got better. Addy simply said, "No" at first. But then she looked at me and said, "Like, they would be with another family, and we would be our family?" Yes. And then she simply nodded her head up and down.

Luke's response to the same question were simply the words, "Sad and happy." Yes. I think you're right my sweet man. I think that's exactly how it would feel. In the grownup world we like to call that bittersweet.

Yes, I'm throwing the idea around in my head that maybe we need to find another placement for them, and you could say that that is why the warriors in my heart and mind are at war. Neverending war.

That's it tonight, I guess. Simply war. One side will win in the end.

 .....day 250 of a year of writing.....