When Peace Wins the Day

Yesterday, after I told you that I didn't have fear anymore, fear decided to move in and make itself comfortable.

I woke up this morning in fear. Today was our first doctor's appointment to check on Dalke baby #3.

When the final little person walked out of the house to be dropped off at Mother's Day Out, I lost it. The day started in tears.

It's this pregnancy. First of all, I'm a hormonal train wreck.  Secondly, I'm exhausted. And finally, fear is right in the mix of it all.

I have been a little more fearful during this pregnancy. I don't know why. I was never fearful with my other two. It's probably because I'm not as naive as I used to be.

I started the day yearning to hear a heartbeat.....just let it be real.

Let the tears I'm crying and the way I'm feeling be real. Please.

I couldn't really shake it all day.

And finally I'd had enough of the fear, and I knew I had to get out.

So out I went. I went for a run. I just needed God's peace. I needed Him to take all my fear and doubt and insecurity away in one big beautiful clean sweep.

Out I went.

And my mind decided to join me. It wasn't going to back down.

What if you don't hear anything today? What if this isn't it? What if you don't love them enough to deserve another one to love? 

And on and on it went. My mind can be a devilish thing....can yours?

As my body was running, my mind was running equally as fast.

And suddenly God showed up. (I had been pleading for Him to.)  Please Lord, can I just feel you? Sense you? Hear you? I need You to fight for me right now. I need You to comfort me. 

And all I heard (at first) was simply.....stop. 

So I did. Literally. I quit running and stood still. And then slowly I began to walk. I knew more was coming. He just needed me still; my mind and my body.

And as a final thought of fear crept in.....but what if there isn't a heartbeat today? He swooped in to save the day.

His reply was oh so sweet. (Please note that that was said sarcastically. By the way, He's not always sweet and sugar coated....not to me anyway.)

In response to, "What if there isn't a heartbeat?" He simply said....

What if there isn't? Then what?

So I walked through the way I thought I would feel.....I would be devastated. I would sob. I would probably pull away from the world for a few days......and then.....and then, we would try again.

And when I thought that that was all He was giving me (which would have been enough), He sweetened the deal with these words.....

Good. But I will protect you. 

And I smiled as tears streamed down my face in the middle of my neighborhood walking trail. While a nearby trailer full of lawn boys ate their lunch, I cried and I smiled and I walked. And He whispered it to me again.

I will protect you. 

I sat down on a park bench near our neighborhood pond. And peace rained over my soul washing away every bit of fear like dirt running through the gutters of my heart. Out into the streets went that fear.

And I watched the clouds move through the sky and turtles swimming in the pond, and I listened to the sounds the wind makes as it slides through the trees. And I smiled as peace won the day again.

Fast forward a few hours.....Brian and I sit in a quiet waiting room.

I suddenly have a longing for my babies to be here. I want them to hear it, too. It will be a beautiful sound, and I would love for them to see it. But they're not here. They're with their aunt Knee Knee (short for Whitney).

And so we wait.

We wait in one waiting room only to be moved to another waiting room. And then finally after an hour and a half of flipping through year old parenting magazines, we are asked to follow our nurse.

We walk past all the examination rooms, all the way to the very back of the office into a small dark room with an ultrasound machine and a few chairs.  I wonder if anyone will remember we're back here.

After a little more waiting, the doctor comes in. I'm happy to see him. He can calm my fears. He is just a great doctor, and I have loved and respected him since the day we first met him. I wouldn't have anyone else deliver my baby.

After a little catching up, he squirts that cold jelly on the wand that he presses onto my tummy.

Dr. Awesome: How far along do you think you are?
Brian: We think about 8 weeks.

After quite a lot of moving and searching......

Dr. Awesome: Well it looks like your uterus is tilted to the back.
Me: What does that mean?
Dr. Awesome: It just means your uterus is tilted. And it means I can't get a good view of what's in there.

At this point, I know what a baby looks like on an ultrasound screen, and I haven't seen a thing.

Dr. Awesome: Yeah, what I'm seeing here is not looking like a baby measuring 8 weeks. 

Silence and more pressing on my belly.

Dr. Awesome: But right back there, I think I see a yolk sack. We're going to have to try this another way. 

I'll spare you the details on what "another way" means. If you have a brain, I'm sure you can figure it out.

A few minutes later, I'm back on the table, and we're trying again.

Small talk precedes the room as he searches for that tiny little bean.

And suddenly....there it is.

A baby. A heartbeat. Measuring 8 weeks and 2 days. 172 beats/minute.

The room was raining peace all over again. It was a sweet, sweet sound. The sound of life. And over it all was His reassuring voice.....

I will protect you. 

.....day 236 of a year of writing.....