Go Ahead....Break My Heart

Friday, January 27, 2012

Today has been one of peace. An abnormal calm has surrounded my heart. I've spent the past couple of days searching for the right words to say, the right stories to tell tomorrow when I speak at Scentsy's Spring Sprint, and today I'm good with what I've landed on.

So, I spent the day doing the little things...answering emails, returning phone calls, placing orders, chasing Luke around the house until we were both so exhausted with laughter that we just wanted to collapse. Those great and normal things.

And then once my little man finally dozed off for the afternoon, I sat down to dig into God's Word. I've been hungry for it lately. Craving more of it. It's like I have discovered a tiny speck of gold, and I can't stop digging until I've found it all.

So, I was thrilled to have the time to meet Him in His Word. I'm currently working through one of Beth Moore's studies on my own just for sheer knowledge. This particular study is over the book of Esther which I have fallen in love with over the past week. It's so full of drama and lavish parties and betrayal. I can hardly stand it! It's juicy, to say the least.

And today I finished the first week of the study and sat down to listen to her teach the second session. As Beth introduces Esther, she talks about how important it is to understand that Esther lost both her mother and father at an early age. She goes on to talk about how she thought for a long time that there could be nothing worse than losing a child, until she attended the funeral of a friend with four little girls in the front row watching their momma be buried.

What would it be like to not have a momma?

I know that many of you may very well know what that feels like....to grow up without a momma. I am lucky enough to have been raised with a momma who did it all.

I think about what that means....to be a momma. To get up twenty-three times in the middle of the night to comfort a baby. To clean up puke. To discipline. To snuggle. To laugh. To cry. To yearn for nothing more than for your children to fall in love with the Lord. To feed them, clothe them, love them unconditionally.

And in the middle of me pondering what it must have been like for Esther to grow up without a momma or a daddy, Luke started to stir.

And I ended up on the couch holding him, just being still. Snuggling. It's in those times when I am reminded of the way my Savior loves me.....more than I love my own children. I can't wrap my head around it sometimes.

And while holding my sweet boy in my arms, the Lord reminded me of the babies whose mommas can't take care of them or choose not to. He reminded me that He's calling me to be a momma to babies who don't have one for a moment. And it suddenly hit me with a whirlwind of understanding. That's a big thing to ask of someone.

And my heart broke. You know that song that says, "Break my heart for what breaks yours." I suddenly had a broken heart. There are babies who just need someone to be a momma for them. A tall order, but a vital role that someone has to play.

And the tears began to fall from my eyes. Not sobbing tears, just tears of peace and understanding. He suddenly revealed what He has asked us to do. The task at hand was suddenly so real. Love them like a momma would love them. It's what they need. To be loved with the love only a momma can give.

Maybe He needed me to really understand this first. There are things that only a momma can bring, and while I won't be the true momma to any baby He brings into our home, I can love any baby like a mom would for however long He'll let me.

Go ahead, Lord.......break my heart. I get it. I'm going there with you. Thank you for your understanding and love today.

.....day 168 of a year of writing.....

1 comment:

  1. Allison, I am from South Korea and I was abandoned at three months old and I had a Foster mom for two months until I was adopted. I was able to meet her when I was 17 and thank her for everything she had done for me. She was the first person in my life to show me kindness and love me when nobody else would. I think its wonderful that you are doing this. I believe that God works in mysterious ways and he is lucky to have angels like you to help him fulfil the dreams of others.


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