Did you think I died? No worries. I'm alive, but the computer cord to my computer did die. I even tried to post on my phone last night and that wouldn't work either. So, I guess I was just destined to catch up today. Oh well. : ) You probably didn't even notice that I didn't post, did you?
Below is what I started to write to you yesterday.....Happy Friday!
None of this feels like I thought it would. I don't love them like I thought I would love them.
Does that sound awful as you read it? I hope not. It's just the truth. I think I've told you that I really need to read a book on being a foster parent or go to some kind of support group. But with four kids now, a support group is kind of out of the question, especially since the baby goes to sleep at 7:30 p.m.
So, instead of participating in the above mentioned activities, my therapy has been here, writing to you whom I've come to trust with pretty much everything. You've heard the hardest parts of it and the hairiest truths.
And, this may be one of those hairy nights of truth!
It's just not what I thought it would be like. I don't have any idea what I thought it would be like, but I really thought that I would love them more than I do. It's strange to me. I love them. I really do. It's just I love my kids in such a different and fuller way than I love them.
And, I guess that is to be expected. My babies are literally a part of me. And, they are mine and will always be mine.
These babies aren't mine and won't ever really be mine. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe the Lord is guarding our hearts.....because I know one day they're going to leave.
Don't think I'm saying that I don't want to do this anymore because I don't love them like I thought I would. That's not it at all. I have no doubt that they are supposed to be here. No doubt.
This entire experience just makes me so much more aware of and grateful for the bond that I have with my children. In all honesty, I thought I never wanted to be pregnant again. It's part of the reason we started this journey, but being in tune with the unmistakable bond I have with my babies makes me yearn for another one just like them.
That's not at all what I thought I would think after all this. I thought I would think of all the babies that need to be adopted and want to have another child that way, through adoption. But, it's not what I'm thinking now.
Awful person....right? I guess I just took for granted those nine months growing together and then the countess nights of care and love....it's all that that really makes us love our own babies....that forms that bond.
That's not to say that I think you can't have all that with an adopted child. I have no doubt God can make it exactly the same. No doubt at all. But not having it with these babies, kind of makes me yearn for it.
I don't know if this is normal. I guess it is. Please don't think I don't love them. I love them immensely. I just don't love them like I thought I would, and I honestly think that's okay.
Thanks again for being my sounding board, my therapy, my support. You are greatly appreciated.
.....day 188 of a year of writing.....