Truth Tonight

Well, I wish I were beginning this post with a wonderful plan about what I'd like to write tonight, but that is not the case. Get excited people! That means you're probably going to get the truth that's laying on my heart.....whatever that may be.

Ughhhh...I can feel what's coming and I hope it's not too personal......here we go.

So, I'm wondering if it's incredibly selfish of me to want to be pregnant and have "my own baby" after having someone else's babies in my house for almost three weeks now. Tomorrow will make three weeks since our first set of foster babies came to live with us.

Is my insane desire to wrap my life up in a perfect little box becoming an overwhelming theme here? So sorry if it is.

Part of me wishes that my heart would want to sweep up theses babies and love them forever and save them from whatever else they may experience in this life. But I don't feel like that.

I want to keep them safe and happy and healthy, but just for now. Not forever. Is that awful?

I don't know if it's because I really believe they will go back to their biological mom or not. I wonder if I'd feel different if I knew they could stay?

I do feel like we're in a pretty decent situation overall when it comes to biological parents. Mom really seems to love them and want them. There are still a million things she has to do to get them back, but we're willing to wait it out and fight for these babies in the meantime.

I'm also still really struggling with their future in general. They have already experienced more than any child ever should have to experience. They started with their mom and then went to their aunts house. Then it was great grandma and then to the shelter for almost a full week before they landed at our house. That part of it all just makes me sick to my stomach. I hate that it even has to ever come to that.

I know people screw up, but how do we keep babies from being shuffled around? (I don't have the answer, by the way.  That's something for you to ponder.)

At this point, I know that anything is possible. Mom could get it together; we could build a relationship and be able to continue to see the babies and even possibly be a mentor to mom when it's all said and done. Mom could also continue to make small mistakes and never really pull it together. She could give up rights, and then what? Then they'd be adoptable. Would we take them? I feel awful for even considering the question. Shouldn't my answer be YES! I just don't know if we would. And maybe it's because I am doing my very very best to be on their mom's side, if that makes sense.

For lack of better words, we are on her side. We want her to get it all together for her babies. We want her to prove that she can be everything they need.

I could compare the life they would have with us versus the life they would have with her based on the situation now, but what good would that do? They will always have to live with the knowledge that this happened. They were moved, they were shuffled, and hopefully, we'll be able to say that they were fought for by their momma.

Oh, how I wish it were simpler. Sometimes I wish we had never gotten ourselves into this mess (only for those very small fleeting moments though!). I know they are supposed to be here with us. I don't really know why though. We're just trusting that the Lord has His hand in all of it.

I really should stop over thinking all of it and just let it play out. I know He has a plan. He has a plan for us and for these babies. Maybe I should stop worrying so much about what I think and let it play out.

I should also note that (and remind you) that we are doing great at the Dalke house. Brian and I are both loving this crazy little thing we call life. We laugh a little more, take ourselves a little less seriously, and we have to depend on each other. All is well. I promise. I think some of you have been concerned that maybe we really can't handle this. Please remember that you are getting my thoughts and feelings and the outpourings of my heart on a daily basis after a long day with four babies. You are getting the real thoughts in my head that sometimes just need to come out on paper. Remember? I've said it's like writing to you here is my therapy.

So, don't you worry about us. We believe we are living right smack in the middle of God's will for our life, and we're wrapped up in His peace. There are just a million emotions and thoughts that happen when you're dealing with foster babies.

Thanks for traveling this journey with us. We appreciate your understanding and love.

.....day 195 of a year of writing.....