Where Are You God?

Monday, December 5, 2011

Shopping in an empty grocery store while most people are at home unwinding from their days is almost relaxing. Maybe it would have been more relaxing without the late afternoon I experienced at my house.

The day was great. Considering the little amount of sleep I got last night, I checked off almost everything on my list, and Luke and I had good play time today. I was feeling pretty good about my day.

And then it changed in an instant. It was one word screamed from a 4-year-olds mouth that flipped everything upside down, "No!"

"What did you say?!"


And she meant it too. All I asked was that she wipe her face off. It was covered in a sticky chocolately mess from the ice cream she had just had as a snack. (Maybe ice cream as a snack was the problem.)

She stomped her foot and held her ground.

And then I challenged her. "Addison, who is in charge?"

She's a stubborn one (very much like both her mommy and daddy). She refused to answer me.

Again, "Addison, who is in charge?"

Still no budging on her side. Just a mean glare to let me know that she was serious.

"Addison, Mommy is in charge, and if I ask you to wipe your face, THEN GO WIPE YOUR FACE!"

The all caps and bold print definitely represents yelling in case you didn't catch that.

Why do I do that?

From that point on, the night was rough for all three of us. I won't indulge you with the story of the styrofoam or the slamming of the doors. (Maybe another day.) No one could get along, and no one liked anyone else, except when it was time for me to leave to go to Bible study. Then all of a sudden they loved me so much they literally would not let go of my body.

This is not just me attempting to explain to you how much they wanted me to stay. I'm serious, they were attached to me like leeches. I could not pry them off.

What a mess.

That's what I felt like tonight. A mess. A pure and simple mess.

How do I get to that point?

(I am going to take this moment to apologize to you if you just now figured out how nuts I am. Sorry to drag you along. But you get the real me. The ups and downs from day to day. You never really know what you're in for when you land here. Sorry about that! Hopefully it just makes me more real.......and hopefully you don't think I'm completely crazy.)

So after Bible study I found myself in a nearly empty grocery store with one agenda: seek Him.

Father, I ask that your presence be near to me. I need to feel You and know that this is really what You've called me to.

Because everytime I make a "mom mistake" or make a bad parenting decision, I doubt whether or not this foster care thing is the right idea. If I'm not even great with my kids, what will I do to someone else's kid?

Who do I think I am that I can take this on? I can't even handle my own kids on some days?

Those are the lies the devil tells me. The thoughts and fears and doubts that he sneaks into my head, and they're not easy to get rid of sometimes.

Up and down the aisles. Grabbing jelly and juice. Beans and tortillas. Where are You, God?

Is this really what You want me to do?

Are You sure? I need to hear it again from You.

Up and down the aisles.......cereal, granola bars, marshmallows. Where are You, God?

Would You please just come near to me? I need to feel You. I need to hear You. I need to know this is what You're asking of me.

Aisle after aisle. The same question. Where are You?

And near the end of the grocery store, after asking that question about two dozen times to my soul, I stop dead at the end of an aisle, and it hits me.

He stops me dead in my tracks.

It was the creamer case that got me. (I know that just conforms my craziness....just go with me.)

Do you have any idea how many types of creamer there are? I do. I'm a coffee freak. I've seen the creamer case a million times I'm sure, but tonight I realized that there really are an abundance of creamers in that case.

Any flavor you can imagine. Any variety. Fat free, low fat, lots of fat, all natural. You name it, they have it.

I found myself thinking that having that many types of creamers is a little over the top.

And He whispered in my ear at that moment the words I love you more.

And I laughed. And I was a little frustrated. Seriously? I've been asking You to show up all this time, and this is what You have to say? You love me more than all the varieties of creamers there are? That's all You have for me?

But He wouldn't stop. I found myself also thinking that the yogurt display was a little out of hand, too. Same story. A massive amount of variety. You name it, they make yogurt in that flavor.

And He said it again, I love you more. 

And again, all I can think is seriously?

I wanted affirmation. I wanted a word from Him. And all He comes up with His, "I love you more than creamer and yogurt"?

But He wouldn't stop. The words rang through my head over and over and over again.

I love you more. 

I love you more. 

I love you more. 

As I pushed the cart across the store to the checkout line. As I watched a sweet mother with her three beautiful children check out. As I placed each item on the belt to be rung up.

I love you more. 

I love you more. 

I love you more. 

And finally I thought to myself...."You love me more than what?"

You know what His answer is and always will be?

I love you more than everything. 

Everything? Me?

In all my sin? In all my mess ups? In all my bad parenting decisions? In my short temper? In my jealousy? In my anger?

You love me, more than everything?

I love you more than everything. 

And that was all I needed to hear tonight.

The great news is, He loves you more than everything, too. No matter what you've done. No matter where you've been. No matter what your past looks like. He loves you more than everything.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16

.....day 115 of a year of writing.....

1 comment:

  1. sometimes I think we all need to hear that! :)


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