A month of writing...a journey of Faith

While looking back at the past month where I have written from my heart every day for 31 days, I have found a few things to be true about myself:

I am stubborn, passionate, and serious about almost everything I have my hands in. I love my kids more than anything and am beyond blessed to have the job I have where I can spend the time that I get to with them. I am addicted to my husband and my babies, planning, running, Scentsy, learning, my God, and organization (but not necessarily in that order).

I am easily moved and easily inspired. I used to be as easily scared or moved into fear. But not now! Now I am stubborn when the devil decides to show up in my mind or in my life, and I have no problem telling him exactly where he can go.

I realized a long time ago that I can't do it all by myself and that there are lots of other people who have to be involved in my life to make it thrive (my husband, my mom, my few close friends and family).

Over the past month, I surprised myself with my many stands defending my God. I never intended to create the stand that I have. I honestly didn't really realize that I was that on fire until I was put under pressure. I used to wish that I could be "on fire for God" like many people I knew who weren't afraid to proclaim Him or tell of what He had done in their lives. I prayed that one day I would feel the same love and passion that they did for God, but I was not there yet. My so called "walk" as a Christian has definitely evolved over the past 8 months. Thinking about the fact that I have a God to turn to and allow to lead my life, brings tears to my eyes. I can't explain how it happened. Maybe it started with my fear and slowly turned into faith as I learned to trust in the Lord and fight against the devil.

Maybe it was being at Life church for over 9 years. We're obviously devoted http://www.lifechurch.tv attendees, but I wasn't always as sure about God even being a part of the church. I even used to feel alienated from the church. We showed up every Sunday and even served in Life Kids for a while, but I never felt connected to anyone at church or even to God. I watched people raise their hands in worship and knew they must feel something, but I didn't understand what it was. But we showed up weekend after weekend.

Eventually we became involved in the youth ministry. A little less than 6 months later, Brian was on staff as a youth pastor. Even then, I was still worried about my position as a now "pastor's wife." My faith was still only "so, so." But I kept showing up and loving kids and leaders and learning how to worship and trust God. I can't help but think about the way our faith has grown through our loyal tithing. We have watched our business be blessed beyond measure. And every month I still look on in awe as the numbers continue to climb, and as I watch other women's lives being completely changed by a simple candle business.

Before I knew it, and for a very unknown reason, I started a bible study where I found the God that I had been looking for for so long. I was moved and changed by the women who showed up every week and by the words of Beth Moore. I found myself actually believing God. I know He is who He says He is. And I know that He can do what He says He can do. And for those reading who aren't believers, I can't explain the way it feels to you. I know you think some of us are crazy for listening to and believing a God that we can't completely understand or comprehend. But that's also why it's called faith, and once the Holy Spirit lives inside you, you can't deny the difference of life.

By no means do I mean to write to appear or sound perfect. I hope my words never come across that way. I think you can tell from the past 31 writings that I have my fair shares of troubles and confusions. I still enjoy a glass of wine almost every night, and I can't turn down a Tecate with salt and lime at a Mexican restaurant. I yell at my kids too many times in a day and lose my patience often at the drop of a hat. There are times I fall into fear and worry and doubt only to turn again to the God I've learned to trust and believe.

Perfect or not, I'm learning even more about who I am and who I hope to be more of in the next 2 months to come. I never thought I could do this. I never thought I would have something to say every single day. But I have. And I write now with a smile at the journey we'll take together over the next 2 months. Thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for allowing me to be honest and open. And thank you for allowing me to write from my heart.

A post a day in March, April, and May...31 days down, 61 days to go...