Being a momma

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. More than anything, it was the one thing I was sure of. And although motherhood has taken me down a series of various paths over the past 4 years, I know there are only more interesting paths and journeys to come.

On Addy's 4th birthday, I posted about how she has made me the woman I am today. She is the reason I was not willing to settle for less. She is the reason I wanted more than normal.

Tonight as I snuggled Luke before bed time, I couldn't help but think about how he has changed me. His entry into the world literally scared me into anxiety. He was 3 1/2 weeks early; extremely jaundice for a long time; and the 1st time I was left alone with him and Addy, Addy started was a stomach virus that would last 12 hours.
I literally began to believe I was incapable of taking care of my own children from that point on. Addy wanted me. I was nursing. We did everything we could to keep her from getting Luke sick. It was traumatic for me. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, it is obvious that that is when my anxiety started.

I lived in anxiety a lot of the time. What if one of them wakes up sick? What if I can't take care of both of them at the same time?

And Luke's never ending jaundice didn't make things easier. We ended up at OU Children's hospital less than a week after he was born in the ICU.

I finally began to realize that my peace was not going to come from healthy babies. Luke is my peace baby. Because of him, I had to search for peace.

He is the reason I sought after God. He is the reason I searched for more than the anxiety I was living in day to day.   

It is amazing to me what our children create in us...

a desire to be more than what we are
a desire to be great for them
a desire to find peace

May you find peace in the arms of your babies tonight.

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