How do I begin to describe him? How do I even start to explain to you what he is to me? He is so incredibly different than I am. We're really from two different worlds....two worlds that would become one.

I didn't know how he would change. I didn't know that the Lord would use him to lead me, comfort me, support me, and love me.

I don't know how I ended up with him. I sure didn't deserve him. Yes, he drives me crazy (as I equally drive him crazy I'm sure), but oh, how I love him.

I consider myself nothing more than blessed to have the kind of relationship that I do with my husband. We don't always agree, and anyone who lived with us when we were first married (three of our sisters) would probably undoubtedly tell you that they didn't think we would make it.

We are both incredibly stubborn, strong-willed, and head strong. Are those all the same things? I think so, but it's what we are for sure. And somehow it works.

He is my rock, my supporter, my leader, my sounding board.....he's my man.

I've been thinking lately about how much he puts up with. He goes with just about any idea I throw at him. This entire foster care thing was an idea I threw his way, and he never once told me I was crazy. He just went with it. We prayed about it and believed God would lead us in the right direction.

Today he took the babies to their supervised visit with their biological mom and dad. It was the first time for him to meet the dad. I am almost glad I wasn't there. Actually, I'm really glad I wasn't there.

The babies wanted to stay with Brian. They didn't want their mom or dad at first. I guess we should have known that would happen and will probably only get worse. He said it was awkward and that he felt bad. These are their babies that are choosing him over their momma and daddy.

Brian wants to build a relationship with the dad (and the mom of course). As do I. It's hard though. How do we say, "Hey, we want to be mentors to you and show you what it looks like to be good parents?" I mean that conversation does not bode well with anyone. We both know this is going to be a process. I'm blessed and honored to walk this crazy road with a man who I know only wants what's best for everyone.

He wants these babies to have the best future that they possibly can. I couldn't ask for a better man.

Just a little bragging on my man today.

 .....day 193 of a year of writing.....

A Couch Filled With Peace

For the first time since the babies moved in, I'm feeling like I've got this down.

Since we went from a family of four to a family of six, our world has sort of been flipped upside down. I don't even know what to compare it to honestly. It's been somewhat of a roller coaster on all accounts: physically, emotionally, even spiritually.

But today everything seems to be piecing together. I know it's just one day, but hey, it's one day! The laundry is done, dinner has been made everyday for the past week and we're all pretty happy.

Things are far from that "white picket fence" kind of perfect, but hey, I'm not expecting that. Peace is what we're going for, not perfection.

We're getting into our routines. It may sound crazy, but having four babies is not as hard as I once thought. It has made two seem easy, that's for sure. We're into system mode around here. Everything is scheduled and has to be. And it works somehow.

I am happy to report that I have actually made it to church with four babies, all fed, dressed, and with shoes ON TIME for two weeks in a row. I was actually early this week! I was never even on time when it was just two kids.

I know that even telling you that things are going well is probably a like a welcome sign for me to have a rough day tomorrow. But it's interesting how important perspective is. I'm not really sure how you can be happy without finding the glass half full.

Now, let's be clear...there are tons of things I need to catch up on. I am about a week behind on work, and now we have physical therapy sessions for the baby and weekly family counseling session/visits for both babies that we don't have to be at but we're choosing to be a part of. I'm definitely not in the fast lane to catch up anytime soon, but I'm okay with where I am. It'll all happen eventually.

We're probably not getting enough sleep....okay, we're definitely not getting enough sleep, and we're all a little under the weather unfortunately.

But overall, where we are is good. It's full of routine and diapers and lots of driving around, but it's good. It's life and love and fun and it's all working out nicely.

Thank you, thank you for your prayers. I know I've told you this before, but we can literally feel them. It's a very cool thing.

Saying goodnight from a couch filled with peace tonight......

.....day 192 of a year of writing.....

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String

Oh, how I wish life would fit into a neat little box (possibly covered with brown paper packaging and tied up with string).  Where toys would get picked up without a fight and bedtime was a breeze. Where I'd be able to cook dinner every night while the children played nicely together. Where our house was always clean and flowers were on the table and the laundry was always neatly folded and put away.

Oh, don't we all.

That's the picture of life that I imagined growing up. I thought that's what life would look like when I grew up and had a husband and children of my own.

I'm not sure why I thought that. My family wasn't perfect, and I didn't know of any perfect families, but for some reason, I thought that my life would be picture perfect.

It turns out that nothing fits neatly in a box the way we want it to. Usually things don't turn out the way we expect them too, either.

Our foster care journey is definitely not something that I can say has fit into a neat little box.

I've kind of been beating myself up about how I feel like a crappy foster parent because I don't love these babies as much as I love my own. It's like surely there are no other foster parents who aren't just head over heels for their foster kids.

I was fortunate enough to meet a woman at our church today who also has two foster babies (eight months old and eighteen months old). She's been reading my blog and feels the same way about her babies as I do about mine. But during our conversation, she mentioned that the other moms in her foster group love their foster babies like they love their own.

Then I started to think that there must be something wrong with the two of us. That maybe we are awful people. I started to think that maybe I'm being selfish.

Then I started thinking that maybe I’m not good enough at being a foster parent to really do this and to be fair to these babies.

Needless to say, the inner battle in my head started.

This afternoon my sister and soon to be brother-in-law came over for a couple hours so I could go grocery shopping. I knew I was in need of some alone time....some time to think and process without little hands reaching up for me.

A few months ago when we started the process of becoming foster parents, I had downloaded a few fostering podcasts. As I walked into Target with a heavy heart and a long list of groceries to fetch, I decided that today might be a good day to listen to what others had to say about fostering. 

This podcast (for those of you who might be interested) was called: Foster Parenting Podcast Episode 100: Doubts, Questions, and Hurdles. 

There was a lot of great information about fostering in general, but there was a very short portion that almost had me headed for the Kleenex aisle. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

The host (a foster parent herself) talked about how so many foster parents "hold their hearts back" from their foster children because of the fear of getting hurt. And then she read this poem:

"To Risk"

by William Arthur Ward

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement,

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,

To live is to risk dying,

To hope is to risk despair,

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

The pessimist complains about the wind;

The optimist expects it to change;

And the realist adjusts the sails.

And right in the middle of Target with a basket overflowing with groceries, it hit me like a ton of bricks.....they are not going to hold their hearts from me, why on earth would I hold my heart from them? Maybe it's time to "adjust the sail."

I know I'm doing it. I have no doubt about it. There is a wall that I've placed between us. I don't want them to pass the picket white fence of our so called "put together life" and make it messy. I don't want them to shake me. I don't want the mess. I want the picture perfect life I thought I was going to have complete with brown paper packages. 

But that's not real. Never has been. Never will be. 

There will always be crumbs on the floor, and smashed up goldfish in the car. There will always be noses to wipe and tears to dry. There will always be hands to hold and fears to crush. 

What I didn't realize until today was that it's not their fears I need to crush.....not the babies (they love us...they light up when we enter the room).....and not my kids (they love these babies), but my fears. My fears of pain and loss and regret. 

Many people have compared letting a foster child go (either back into the biological family's life or into an adoptive situation) to dealing with a death. Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would walk into the agony of that kind of loss? 

The better question is, who is such a fool that they wouldn't be willing to risk it all to love like that? Because what else is there? There is nothing more important than the love that I can give them while they're here. Why not swing for the fence? Go big or go home? They deserve it. I know I have it in me. I just have to be willing to break the barriers I've placed around my heart down for two tiny little white haired babies who need the love that only a momma can give. 

I may not be their momma and I probably never will be, but I'm thinking I'm going to love them like I am until they have their momma back. 

.....day 191 of a year of writing.....

Timeline

All right!  So, if you're on Facebook, I'm assuming you've heard that on February 24th, all our profiles will be switched to what they're calling Timeline.

At first I was skeptical, but I've been playing around with it, and I think it's kind of fun. You can go back very easily to different time periods since you've been on Facebook and look up just about anything. It's really interesting, to say the least.

I just spent time reminiscing and looking back through the years that I've been on Facebook. I joined in August of 2005. The coolest part of it, I can see how different I am now as a person. You can almost visually watch the change over the years. It's kind of neat.

So far, looking back, my favorite parts are in 2006 when I graduated college and then was pregnant with our first baby by the end of the summer.

There are tons of pictures of Addison growing up on my timeline. It's so much easier to look at pictures via timeline than through photo albums.

What a precious baby girl!

Before we knew it, I was pregnant again....this time with a precious baby boy.

My baby bump was just tiny then, but got much, much bigger!

There's my sweet baby boy moments after he was born.

Before I knew it, he was helping me with my Scentsy business. : )

Those are just a few highlights from the past I noticed while scanning through my timeline.

So I'm curious.....have you checked out your timeline? What do you think about it? Do you like it or do you wish it would stay the same?

.....day 190 of a year of writing.....

James Mercy Triumphs Giveaway

Spoiler.....you could win something by reading this post. : )

My idea of a good time is sitting at my dining room table in a quiet house with a cup of coffee and a good book or off at a coffee shop or bookstore somewhere.

I know. I'm pretty sure that makes me a total nerd. But hey, that's my idea of fun! Lately, my favorite book to crack is the best seller of all time, the Bible.

I have to admit that it was not always my favorite thing to read. I used to find it boring and much too historical for my taste, but it's amazing how the Lord can light you on fire for something if you ask enough times.

It helps that I've been able to study with some really great Bible teachers who have made my love for God's Word even stronger. Teachers like Kelly Minter, Priscilla Shirer, Kay Arthur, and of course, Ms. Beth aka Beth Moore have all shown me how God's Word is alive and was written as a love story to us as God's children.

For a long time I didn't know what incredible resources were available for personal and group Bible studies. Did you know that you can download and watch (or listen to) Beth Moore study sessions online at http://www.lifeway.com/? You can!

If you so desire, you can work through any of Beth's studies with a workbook, a Bible, and the videos that you can download to your computer. Each session costs approximately $5 and each study ranges from 6-10 weeks each.

My women's Bible study and I just started Beth's most recent study over the book of James. It is already proving to be an incredible study!

While I would love for you to work through this same study with us or in a group of your own, I realize that that may not be a possibility. But how about this? What if you worked through it on your own and we discussed it here every week or so? I think it could be fun! What do you say?

All you need is the member book which can be found here for $14.95 and then either the audio sessions ($3.99 each) or video sessions ($4.99 each) for each of the eight weeks.

Oh, and here's some great news.....I have a couple of extra member books left over from our group to give away. How does free sound?

But I understand.....you may still be skeptical. Here's what I'm asking you to do.....Try it. Go to lifeway.com and purchase, download, and watch Session 1 of James Mercy Triumphs. 

If you like it and you think you may want to watch all eight sessions, leave a comment here (make sure you're a follower too by clicking on the blue "join this site" button on the left hand side of the screen) and I'll throw your name in the drawing for a free member book. 

What can it hurt? I think you'll like it, and who knows....maybe it contains exactly what you need to hear from God.

Give it a try. You have nothing to lose and only a free book to gain.

.....day 189 of a year of writing.....

It's Not What I Thought It Would Be

Did you think I died? No worries. I'm alive, but the computer cord to my computer did die. I even tried to post on my phone last night and that wouldn't work either. So, I guess I was just destined to catch up today. Oh well. : ) You probably didn't even notice that I didn't post, did you?

Below is what I started to write to you yesterday.....Happy Friday!



None of this feels like I thought it would. I don't love them like I thought I would love them.

Does that sound awful as you read it? I hope not. It's just the truth. I think I've told you that I really need to read a book on being a foster parent or go to some kind of support group. But with four kids now, a support group is kind of out of the question, especially since the baby goes to sleep at 7:30 p.m.

So, instead of participating in the above mentioned activities, my therapy has been here, writing to you whom I've come to trust with pretty much everything. You've heard the hardest parts of it and the hairiest truths.

And, this may be one of those hairy nights of truth!

It's just not what I thought it would be like. I don't have any idea what I thought it would be like, but I really thought that I would love them more than I do. It's strange to me. I love them. I really do. It's just I love my kids in such a different and fuller way than I love them.

And, I guess that is to be expected. My babies are literally a part of me. And, they are mine and will always be mine.

These babies aren't mine and won't ever really be mine. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe the Lord is guarding our hearts.....because I know one day they're going to leave.

Don't think I'm saying that I don't want to do this anymore because I don't love them like I thought I would. That's not it at all. I have no doubt that they are supposed to be here. No doubt.

This entire experience just makes me so much more aware of and grateful for the bond that I have with my children. In all honesty, I thought I never wanted to be pregnant again. It's part of the reason we started this journey, but being in tune with the unmistakable bond I have with my babies makes me yearn for another one just like them.

That's not at all what I thought I would think after all this. I thought I would think of all the babies that need to be adopted and want to have another child that way, through adoption. But, it's not what I'm thinking now.

Awful person....right? I guess I just took for granted those nine months growing together and then the countess nights of care and love....it's all that that really makes us love our own babies....that forms that bond.

That's not to say that I think you can't have all that with an adopted child. I have no doubt God can make it exactly the same. No doubt at all. But not having it with these babies, kind of makes me yearn for it.

I don't know if this is normal. I guess it is. Please don't think I don't love them. I love them immensely. I just don't love them like I thought I would, and I honestly think that's okay.

Thanks again for being my sounding board, my therapy, my support. You are greatly appreciated.

.....day 188 of a year of writing.....

Olivia and Her Babies (Surely Two Is More Fun Than One!)

In case you're just joining us, we have a few babies around here. If you've been around for a while, you're probably sick of hearing about the babies and all the fun things they do (like throw up) ha! But tough! Here's a little more baby blunder for the day.

If you're new to the blog, you may be interested to know that Brian and I began the process to become foster parents many, many months ago (I really wanted to type many, many moons ago, but I restrained myself). Two Fridays ago we officially became foster parents to not one, but two babies!

Life with four children ages four and under is interesting to say the least. There has been a lot of adjusting around the Dalke house for sure, but we're starting to get the hang of it, and Brian and I are learning not to take ourselves too seriously.

But, tonight was one of those nights when I was doubting whether or not I had the patience to handle this....if I could really manage four kiddos.

My temper was short, and I knew the devil was trying to do a work in me. They were all equally driving me a little bit crazy, one at a time. And the lies started to seep in......lies like, you aren't patient enough to do this....you aren't loving enough to do this....you don't have any more to give to these babies....they deserve better than you.....and on and on. I think you get the idea. Oh, and on top of all this, Brian was at church tonight, so I was feeding, bathing, and diapering all of them on my own.

There came a point in the evening when I knew I needed to start over. Clean slate. Grace fall over me. And, I walked outside to throw away a diaper and prayed a simple prayer for Him to cover me and fill me, and for me to hear from Him tonight. It was just one of those nights that I needed proof that He is real and that this is His will (again).

As I snuggled into bed with Addison and Luke to read our bedtime stories, I found myself grinning from ear to ear at Addison's book selection this evening aptly titled Olivia and the Babies.

Basically,it's a cute story of a pig who decides that she wants to be a momma. Once she has one baby, she decides that two babies must be even more fun than one!  I'm chuckling right now thinking about it.

"One baby is so much fun," Olivia thought. "I wonder what it would be like to have two babies."

Needless to say, Olivia finds out that two babies is a lor more work than one baby.  But when her mom asks her to watch her little brother for a few minutes, she discovers that three babies is even more work than two.  Imagine that!  It is then she decides that she needs something to keep them all

entertained and she opts for roller skates. :)  Precious. 

But, in the end, while being tucked in that night by her momma, Olivia concludes that being a mommy is too much work for a little girl. 

I know that the whole thing is a silly little children's book, but while I was reading it to my babies, it was like my Father was whispering to me, "I know it's hard work, and I know you're tired, but this is exactly what I've asked you to do." 

It was all the affirmation I needed. Yes, I found affirmation in a children's book. Absolutely. 

But, it hasn't just been there.  It's seeping out of our friends and famly in scriptures, in meals brought by, in encouraging words.  I know that a few of my close friends thnk we're absolutely nuts for taking in someone else's babies.  But, ya know, when people think you're norman and not crazy, maybe you're not living big enough.  Just a thought. 

As I think over the day and all the ups and downs (there were definite ups, too!), one of my favorite things was a message from a friend with this picture from the book Jesus Calling:

She said that the last line made her think of me, and oh, how it brought a smile to my face this morning!  I don't doubt w're living in His will. There's no doubt about it for me. But, it is scary.  I feel ill equipped most days to do this, yet there is an unexpected calm around us.....almost like we're in a secluded bay while the ocean ravages just outside the safety of the shores.

Calm on the inside....it's what I always wanted. (Not pain free but calm.)

....day 187 of a year of writing.....