There's no need to complicate it
Dress it up or state it
Without too much hesitation
Here's the way I feel

I like you, I like you
Even when I don't try to
Yes I do, that's the truth 
I like you

The words from Ben Rector's song I Like You, run through my head nearly everyday as I hold Baby A. I sing them to him every night when I lie him down for bed. And even though I like him (and even love him), I'm very clearly pulling away from him.

It sounds horrible. I know.

But the best way I know how to describe it is fear, and for whatever reason, it feels good to write it here.....to process it and try to make sense of it.

Foster care is hard. It's beautiful and messy and exactly what Christ would have the church do, but there isn't anything easy about it. The love part is the hardest for me.

I go in and out of being head over heels for this baby, and purposefully distancing myself from his little, helpless love and those big brown eyes. I see the way he looks at me. I know how he feels about me. He can't help it. We've had him and loved him for half of his little life.

But I don't do well with uncertain endings. It's not a normal process of parenting. I feel like I should love him like I love my babies, but he's not mine, and he may never be mine. So how am I supposed to love him like he is mine?

I know my pulling away from him is selfish. It's a shame-filled attempt at guarding my heart.

Last night, I tossed and turned in bed, praying for something less selfish to come from my heart, praying that I would be better at this foster parenting thing tomorrow.

I find myself so often doing this in life....praying for something different....praying for a different outcome. I recently heard Christine Caine say something along the lines of "Nothing is going to change, so make it work the way it is."

I have to tell myself that everyday. Nothing is changing. He's here. These are the circumstances. No, you're not the best at this. But make it work. Love him anyways.

I know that what seems impossible to me, isn't impossible to God. I can't keep getting tripped up on my own understanding of the situation.

We prayed for this baby. We believe that the Lord prepared us for him....to love him and serve him and give him his every desire and need right now, just the way things are.

I can't try to write the end of his story. God has the honor of doing that. And from our last foster care case, I have to remember that His story, the one he'll write for this little baby and his brother, is such a greater story than I could ever write or ever even imagine.

These boys are the Lord's first and foremost, and they deserve the best and deepest kind of love. They don't deserve the kind of love that holds back. I know that, so tomorrow, I'll do a little better, forgetting about my own selfish desires to not be hurt and love him the way he loves me.

I know he has me wrapped up in his love. He does. His smile and his eyes, and the way he looks at me say more than words could ever say. Now I have to re-pay his love with mine. It's the way Christ loves me....never knowing when I'll walk away from His love.....hoping I won't, but loving me relentlessly anyways. What a beautiful gift that kind of love is.

Let's Send Taylor to Kenya

I'm honored to introduce you today to a precious little girl who has a true heart for the Lord. Taylor is 17 years old and will be taking a mission trip to Kenya this year. 

This is her story in her words:

God works intricately with his creation. He allows events to take place, brings people into our lives, and takes us places we couldn’t ever imagine. And it’s all to his glory. Have you watched to see his hand working in your life lately?

There was a young girl in Kenya who was given a wonderful opportunity to come to America. This young girl went to school and graduated from university, but this was not all that God had in store for her life. She took this opportunity to return back to her homeland of Kenya to extend love and purpose and a future to the people. This woman’s name is Beatrice. She now has a ministry, Maisha International. The hand of God was working, and continues to work, in this woman’s life. And it’s all to his glory.

While Beatrice was attending school in America she babysat my brother and I. I remember many times that she would come to our home. We would watch The Lion King while she braided my hair, just like her’s, and I would ask her when she could take me to Africa. She always told me that if it was in God’s plan we would go together. I’m so happy to say that God has provided clear direction that Kenya is where I’m suppose to be this summer! Little did I know that a prayer offered to God out of my young heart so many years ago would come to fulfillment. And I get to experience this with my childhood African sister!

I look forward to sharing the love that has penetrated my heart with others half way around the world. I feel truly honored that God would choose me to be used as his vessel. I am open to whatever He has for this trip. Likewise, I’m open to whatever He has for my future.

This will be the summer between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. His hand has always been intricately working in my life and this is yet another example of his greatness. God has created a whole world filled with new people and places to experience. I want to travel to the ends of the earth to tell people about my savior. I pray that there will be many more opportunities in my future to experience new places and to share the light that is within me for his glory.

Thank you so much for your time and I hope you will join me in prayer and support. Please pray for myself, and the team that I will be traveling with. Pray those with whom we will share, that their hearts will be ready to accept the gift of salvation. Please pray for Kenya.

Her heart shines so brightly through her words. I hope you would consider helping Taylor get to Kenya. There are multiple ways you can help.

1. Go to my Scentsy website by clicking here and shop from Taylor's fundraiser. A large portion of your order total will go directly towards funding Taylor's, trip. 
2. Give online directly to Maisha International by going to http://www.maishainternational.org/ and fill in the field to direct donation with Taylor Dickinson Mission Trip. 
3. Mail a check to: Maisha International, P.O. Box 570, Oklahoma City, OK 73101 Add Taylor Dickinson Mission Trip on the memo line of the check.
4. Pray. 

Thank you in advance for supporting Taylor as she follows the lead of the Holy Spirit to serve in Kenya. Oh if we could all have the courage and strength that Taylor does! 

The end to a Story About Timing

This is end to what I have affectionately started calling "the never ending story." It's a story about timing and trust and lots of grace and a guy named Jesus who can change us all. 

To read part one, click here.

To read part 2, click here.

To read part 3, click here.

To read part 4, click here.

To read part 5, click here.

Less than a month after we found the house we had been looking for, we moved in. It was definitely the Lord's timing and plan because there were lots of little details that had to be worked out that were all beautifully laid out for us. We were able to live in the house for 2 weeks before we officially closed (which we desperately needed to do because we closed on our old house and had to be out!).

And life moved on. We had a newborn and 2 littles, and we found ourselves settling into our forever home. We had (and still have) lots of plans to remodel certain areas of the house, but for the moment, the house was good. 

Christmas came and went. We had our first live tree, and it was huge. Like possibly too huge. It was tough to decorate. And I made sure we got a Christmas tree before we were even unpacked. Christmas was coming and I wanted it to feel like Christmas. 

We weren't hearing much about our foster babies, but what we were hearing about their momma was shocking us. There was word that the case worker was fighting hard to get rights back to the bio mom. We basically thought the case was closed and the babies were going to be adopted. We we wrong. 

It was May when we found out that the babies would be going back to their bio mom. And I was shocked. Utterly shocked. 

Not only was I shocked, I was downright ticked off. I was made at the system, and I was mad at the Lord. 

Why on Earth would He walk us all through something so hard only to have everyone disappointed in the end. I didn't think that there was any way that this was the right decision. 

Then I started to think that maybe this would be the end of it. She would get them back and something would happen (please Lord just let it be a little thing) and then they would be adopted and this nightmare would be over. 

Maybe that's what would happen. 

And my soul wrestled with it. Maybe we should have kept them. Maybe it would be different if we had them still. Who knows? I just felt like I didn't do enough. I was worried that it was somehow my fault that she was getting them back. 

On a Sunday morning at church, I was so mad I could hardly breathe. You know that kind of mad where the pressure rises up in your chest? It was that kind of mad. She was getting them back. 

And I turned my heart away from the Lord. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to feel Him. I was so angry, so I turned from him like you turn your head from your spouse when your angry. You pretend to listen, but you're really not. That's where I was with God....going thru the motions, but totally disconnected. 

And in the middle of worship, my mind and soul were flooded with the words below. They were repeating over and over in my head, and I couldn't shake them, so I jotted them down on my notebook....

And then I wrote the words....."okay." 

And with that word, I gave up the fight. I decided to let Him steer again. I decided to trust in whatever crazy plan He was scheming. It was true. They were His babies before they were ever mine. I knew He was crazy about them. His promises are strong. Those babies had so much scripture prayed over them that I was sure He could never forget them. So I let it go. 

In mid August, I saw a picture of those precious babies on facebook with the little girl that would have been their big sister if they would have been adopted. Lunch at Chick-fil-a and 3 smiling kiddos. 

I commented and noticed that the birth mom had commented as well. We weren't friends on facebook, so I sent her a friend request. 

She accepted, so of course I started stalking her feed. And she looked different. Not the strung out looking mom that she was when we had her babies. She was different. 

Her profile picture was a picture of her in the water at our church getting baptized, and on her page....her baptism certificate.

And here I am....the still skeptical one. It all looked good, and she appeared different....but was she? 

Of course I kept up checking on her via facebook, and one day, she posted about struggling with addiction since she was 15 and then hearing something that scared her to death and how she had been sober for the past 14 months and how much loved being a mommy. 

So I messaged her. I told her that I had given up on her. We opened every door for her and have her every opportunity to love her babies and be the mom she should have been, and she fell short every time, so I quit believing in her. I didn't think she could change, and I told her that. 

I told her how mad I was when I found out she was getting them back, and I sent her a picture of the words the Lord had given me that day. 

{I had no idea the work the Lord was already doing at that time.} 

She replied telling me that she understood why I gave up on her and that while we had the babies, she relapsed. When she found out we were giving them up and that they were going to a pre-adoptive home, she knew she had to fight and she had to fight hard. And that's when she started fighting. A fight to overcome addiction. A fight to change. A fight to be someone that no one believes you can be. 

And she fought. 

And I was wrong. I was so wrong about how I thought it would all turn out. I was so wrong about what our God could really do. 

Who knew that us being obedient and saying we would move to California....and being obedient and giving the babies up would make her fight. 

The Lord used the most unique timing and circumstances to change each of us involved. I needed to learn to trust in His timing. Their momma needed to learn to trust in Him for everything. 

I honestly thought that I could help her change.....that I could help her be a good momma. How stupid was I? I couldn't change her. Only Jesus could. And He did it in His timing....His way....to prove His faithfulness. 

She's not perfect. I'm not perfect. We are all far from it. But the Lord is willing to claim us even in our lowest places. He claims us in addiction and sin and pride. He doesn't care what we've done or who we've let down. He fights for us. We are His children. You are His child, even if you don't yet see it, He is fighting for you. And His timing is always perfect. And His healing can only be brought by Him. And He doesn't care about anything except your recognition of love for Him. 

I could never have written that story. This was a story meant to be written by our Heavenly Father. His stories and His timing are always the best. Always.

Part 5 of the never ending story....the part about houses

Just a warning before you read this....this is the story that may never end.....I know I said I would finish it tonight, but it's probably not going to happen. There is still so much more to tell you....and I haven't gotten to the best part yet (it's the part you don't know about....it's the whole reason I'm re-telling this part of our story....and I promise it's good.) Stick around long enough and I'll get to the end. 

To read part 1, click here. 

To read part 2, click here. 

To read part 3, click here. 

To read part 4, click here

This is part 5.....

It was Halloween 2012. I had prayed specifically that I wouldn't have a baby born on Halloween. The Lord is sort of funny like that. After it happened, I realized it was no big deal at all, and it was actually kind of fun. 

On that night, we welcomed baby #3 into our family. Wyatt James Dalke was born happy and healthy. 

But that night, I couldn't sleep. It wasn't him. He was perfect. It was the thought of leaving. 

The calling to move across the country to California that had been so strong and so certain was suddenly gone. His little heart beating against my chest changed everything. I couldn't imagine it anymore. I couldn't see us there. 

But Brian and I had a plan and we had agreed on this. How could I be the one to call it all off? I just started praying. Asking the Lord to make it clear what we were supposed to do (again). 

And our entire hospital stay was overshadowed by my doubt about our next move. What were we going to do? We were supposed to be moving to California in approximately a month, and I couldn't see us there anymore. 

On the way home from the hospital, it came up. It was Brian and me and another tiny life that we were now responsible for. I asked him if he thought we were still doing the right thing. And he hesitated. He wasn't sure anymore either. And his doubt made me feel better. 

That was the end of the conversation, but it wasn't the end of my mind racing. I started looking at real estate in our city. Maybe we could stay here. 

It was a couple days later that Brian opened up the computer to look at real estate locally to find that I had already been looking. And just like that, we knew we had to stay. 

Our decision to stay brought about a very real predicament. We had already sold our house. We were closing in a little more than a month, and we officially had no place to live. 

The hunt was on. We started looking on our own. The problem was, before we started looking at houses in California, we had looked everywhere in our city. We knew (or thought we knew) every neighborhood, every area, every district. We had even seriously considered building. Building was the plan for a while. 

We had looked and looked and looked and could not find what we were looking for. We knew we were up for a challenge. 

We had a newborn, and I made it very clear that since we were staying, I only wanted to move once. Ideally, I would like this to be our last move. Let's find the house, and let's do it in less than 30 days. Sounds like a new plan. 

We basically had a deadline. We knew that we had to find a house by a certain date in order to be able to close in time for us to be out of our house by closing. 

We finally hired a realtor. We knew Brice through Scentsy. His wife was part of our Scentsy team. We knew he would work hard for us, and he did. 

We toted that newborn baby boy through countless homes. Nothing seemed to be turning out. 

We wanted at least an acre, trees, 4+ bedrooms, an office, a dining room, and a playroom. Talk about a high order. We wanted the house that would be big enough for Brian's family at Thanksgiving (we average 30+). It was a lot to ask for. 

Brice took us all around the city. The day we looked at our house, I didn't even want to go see it. It didn't look great in pictures. It had been on and off the market for years. I didn't want to waste our time. But Brian insisted. We were going to look at another house near the area, so we might as well. 

I reluctantly agreed. 

I was immediately in awe of the neighborhood. I had no clue it even existed. It was a gated community with just over a dozen houses. All on 3-5 acre lots. 

The house wasn't what I would call my style. The outside was red brick. The plans were fashioned after 19th century architecture. Huge ceilings, giant doors, and really ugly grape tiles on the backsplash in the kitchen. Really? Who does that? 

The space, the layout, the land....it was all more than we could ask for. It wasn't the kitchen I had hoped for. And some of the details were off, but all those things could be fixed in time. The house was being lived in, so it smelled weird, and someone else's stuff was in it. I was very intrigued, but there were more houses on the list. 

Before the day was over, I was asking if we could go back and see the house with the trees and the land one more time. Brice made it happen, and that 2nd showing was all it took to help me make up my mind. We walked the property line, and I could see Addy and Luke and Wyatt growing up exploring the creek and seeing turkey and deer on a daily basis. 

And with that house, it was officially official. We were staying in Oklahoma.   

To be continued....(more on the babies tomorrow....)

Part 4 of a Story About Timing

To read part 1 click here. 

To read part 2 click here. 

To read part 3 click here. 

All was going well. We had 3 offers in on 3 houses in California, and we were just waiting. It felt like we were doing exactly what the Lord was calling us to do. 

But as we waited, nothing was happening. We had already sold our house in Edmond thanks to a couple crazy people (who are now our friends) who knocked on our door and asked if we would ever sell it. 

Before we knew it, all 3 houses we made offers on in California were bought out from under us by cash buyers. 

Now what?

Turns out, we have friends that live in the same area we wanted to move in California. They were also moving, and had just bought a house. They were gracious enough to let us rent their old home from them until we could find something. 

Perfect. 

It wasn't the ideal situation (to essentially move twice), but it was an answer to prayer for sure. We kept saying that we would just let the Lord work out all the details if we were supposed to be in California. We weren't going to try too hard. If He wanted us there, He would have to make it all happen. 

And it appeared that He was making it happen. 

It seemed crazy that we had friends who were willing to let us stay in their home virtually rent free until we found a place. 

But that's what happened. And that became the plan. We started packing boxes and preparing for a baby to come. 

Telling our families that we were moving was not easy. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Especially since we were about to have another baby, and we had no clear reason to go. 

That was tough. 

But we moved forward with the plan. 

Then October 31, 2012 rolled around, and the Lord threw us a curveball. We named him Wyatt, and He changed everything. 

To be continued and concluded tomorrow night......(sorry for the never ending story).

This book I'm reading...

Some of you are waiting for part 4 of our story about timing. 

It's not happening tonight. I'm too tired. It's been a good, but long day. We're 8 days into writing about Jesus for 31 days, and when I flat out say a post is about Jesus, not as many people read it as normal. Interesting. 

I find that really interesting. 

I sort of have this thing for Jesus. I'm crazy about Him and what He did on the cross for me.....for all of us. 

I'm reading this awesome book called Jesus Is by Judah Smith. 

So far, this is my favorite part, and I couldn't agree with it more.....

"I am a Bible person. I don't believe my brain has been functioning long enough to figure out the meaning of life, but the Bible is an amazing, divine, supernatural book that shows us the plan of God. It gives us proper perspective in life. I believe that God used humans to write it, but he guided what they wrote, and everything in it is accurate. 

It doesn't bother me if you don't believe that, so I hope it doesn't bother you that I do believe it."

I have often struggled with religion. I don't like the rules and the differences amongst them. I don't like it when we think we know more than someone else because of our "religion."

Here's what I know. Christianity isn't about rules and guidelines. It's about Christ. It's about a single man.

I know that I have friends that don't believe the same things that I do, and I have many times found myself afraid to talk about what I believe. The above quote from Jesus Is gave me so much perspective.

It doesn't bother me that people don't believe the same things I do, so why should expect them to be bothered by what I believe? (I guess it kind of bothers me....I want everyone to know the truth about Jesus, but I need to stop worrying about all the details. I guess that's what I'm saying.)

I guess I'm just trying to say that if I've never told you or never made it clear (even though I think I have), I believe God's word. I believe the Bible. All of it. I have a lot to learn. I won't even pretend that I know it all. But I know a lot, and I know the things that matter the most.

When it comes to Jesus, it comes down to grace and peace and love and life.

Look for Part 4 of our Story about Timing tomorrow night.....

Part 3 of a Story About Timing

To read part 1, click here.

To read part 2, click here.

So that was it. There was a great family ready and waiting to adopt our babies. They were elated. We were pleased with the way everything was working out, and we thought it was sweet the way the Lord was working out all the details. 

We were praising Him for the way He was making clear the way for these babies. 

We loaded up truckloads of clothes and toys and beds to take to their new home. We ate french toast for dinner on our last night as a family of six. And before I knew it, they were gone. 

They had been gone a full week before I would let myself cry.

But everything went well. They transitioned beautifully. We didn't go see them for a few months. We thought it would be best for everyone. 

And our life moved on. 

We prepared for a baby, and prayed a lot about where the Lord wanted us to be. We went to the Scentsy Family reunion in Las Vegas and then took a plane to California to look at houses. We needed to know if it would feel right. 

And it did. It felt like home. We found a church and a school and several houses that we could see ourselves raising our family in. 

We started to envision life in California. 

But it's not that easy to pick up and move halfway across the country. We weren't moving for "work" or any reason other than we felt like we were being called there. 

And on August 9th, I was in desperation mode. I rarely ever ask the Lord for a sign, but I did it that day. I couldn't stop thinking about the move and what it would mean for our family and how different our life would be if we up and moved to California. 

I spent most of the day in prayer. I wanted a sign. I wanted to know for sure that that was what we were supposed to do. 

And I got my "sign" that very day. It came in the form of a knock on our front door. A nice guy walked up to our home that evening and asked if we had ever thought about selling our house. 

Excuse me....what?

There was no sign in the yard. We hadn't really even decided that we were going to move. One of the biggest obstacles was our house. We had only been in it for 3 years, and we knew we would lose money if we listed it with a relator. We sort of felt stuck. 

And just like that, with a single knock, the Lord affirmed our decision to move. It was like He was clearly asking us to be obedient. "Will you do what I ask you to? Will you go where I ask you to go...even if there isn't a specific reason? Do you trust me?" 

That single knock brought all those questions to the front of our minds. And the answer was yes. Yes we would go. Yes we were willing. We had seen His perfect plan in the lives of our foster babies, and we were willing to do whatever He led us to. 

In September, we traveled to Boise for Scentsy's SuperStar Director Summit. It was the last time I would be allowed to fly, so we decided to hop over to California on our way home and see if we could find a house. 

We had 2 days. We ended up making offers and putting money down on 3 houses. And the plan felt good. 

We had made an agreement to sell our home to the couple who knocked on our door that evening. There were no realtors involved. We did it all ourselves. And it was the easiest and simplest house contract I have ever done. It was the Lord. Plain and simple. 

And there we were. september of 2012. Waiting to hear about 3 offers in California....knowing we sold our home in Oklahoma. Waiting to see what was next....

To be continued...

A story about timing Part 2

To read the beginning of this story, click here. 

And I thought I would be the one that helped them. And in a way, we did. We provided a loving and nurturing home for them for 6 months. 

But so much more than me helping them, they helped me. 

They changed me. 

They made me know what it was like to really really love. There was so much risk involved in loving them. And for a while, I held my heart from them. I couldn't fall in love. What about when they left? 

And it was different than I thought it would be. I thought I would love them like I loved my own children. I thought I would want to keep them for always. 

And part of me did. But another part of me knew that the way I loved them was different. 

Those babies created a yearning in me for another baby. I thought I was done. But as I rocked him and snuggled him and began to fall in love with him, I knew I wanted to be pregnant again. 

So while we had "the babies" (as they have been permanently named at our house), we started trying for another one of our own. 

It didn't take long before I was pregnant. Our baby #3 was on the way. 

And all the while, the Lord was doing a huge work in me. He was changing me and challenging me in ways that I didn't even know I could be changed. He was taking my selfishness and anger and fear and doing away with all of it. 

I was no longer afraid. I couldn't be. There was simply no time for that. 

I was learning that I couldn't be angry at these babies because their parents screwed up. It wasn't their fault. 

And I was learning what it was like to truly serve. 

Changed and challenged and different.....I am all those things because of the babies. 

During this entire process, the Lord was planting another wild dream in our heart. 

It was a simple love that was put in our soul for California. It's climate, it's outdoor lifestyle, the beach, the mountains....we fell in love with all of it. 

And before we knew it, we could feel a very clear and obvious tug on our hearts to step out in faith and make a drastic move...A move across the country from Oklahoma to California. 

We had no exact reason. We just felt like we were supposed to go in obedience. 

In the middle of all this, it became very clear that our babies would not be going back to their biological mom and that they should be placed in a pre-adoptive home. And with that decision from the judge, we knew we couldn't keep them much longer. If they were going to be adopted, they needed to be moved as soon as the right family was found. We knew they weren't supposed to be ours. 

It became obvious who they were supposed to belong to. There was a family with a little girl who could have been our babies' older sister. Tow headed and spunky, she was going to fall in love with a little sister and brother. It seemed like the Lord was working everything out perfectly. 

This family couldn't have any other children. They knew our babies before we took them in. It was while we were on vacation and the babies were staying with family (next door to their soon to be pre-adoptive parents) that the dad saw our littles outside playing, walked in the front door of his home and told his wife that those babies were supposed to be theirs. 

It seemed like God's perfect plan was working out perfectly. 

But things aren't always what they seem.....

To be continued....

A story about timing

This is a story about timing and about trust and about faith. It is only part of our story. Many of you know some of it, but very few know the end. It may take me a few days to get to the end, but the end is the best part. 

It started as a thought. Maybe we could. 

Maybe we could open up our home, love someone else, help someone else. Maybe we could. 

And then the call came in the form of scripture. The book of James specifically. And I started to feel the Lord leading us into foster care. 

I felt the tug on my heart long before I responded to it, and then I had to wait for the Lord to move in Brian's spirit. And He did. 

We signed up for a home study and background checks and 27 hours of pre-service training. And before we knew it, there was a phone call. 

I had waited so expectantly for our paperwork to be approved. I knew we would have a baby by Christmas. But the Lord's timing was more than perfect. 

It was February when we got the call that our paperwork was approved, and immediately after that, we had not 1 but 2 babies. 

I couldn't turn down the call. We had loose ties to these babies before they came into our home. When they showed up on the doorstep, they had been in the shelter for 7 days, and my heart immediately melted. 

I will never forget their eyes as they looked up at me while they stood on my front porch with dirty faces and mismatched clothes. 

The worker's arms held the baby boy (1), and that little girl (still a baby herself....not yet 2 years old) stood on her own and reached her sweet little arms up to me immediately. She called me momma in the first five minutes. 

His big blue eyes stole my heart within in moments. I just held him in my arms. So close. Wishing I could have rescued them sooner. Wishing they wouldn't have had to stay in the shelter. 

They came with a grocery sack of clothes that were the wrong sizes and smelled of cigarette smoke. After a few papers were signed, the worker was gone, and we went from 4 to 6. 

And life became different. 

to be continued......

When we don't feel Him.....

Somehow it got late, and I was just thinking about something I heard today. {Thank you Beth Moore and Jesus The One and Only}

I have had people ask me about "getting a word from the Lord" and what that means and what it looks like. And I don't know that I have an answer. The more I sought the Lord, the more I heard from Him. 

The more I opened myself to Him, the more He spoke. 

The more I allowed Him to mess with me, the more He led me. 

But there have been times when I have closed my ears and my heart to Him. No doubt about it. Because I wasn't willing to do whatever it was He was calling me to. 

I turned my head and I stopped feeling Him near me. 

And oddly enough, when I stopped listening, He stopped talking. {And I'm not talking audible speaking. I have not heard the actual voice of God coming down from a cloud in Heaven. But I've heard Him in my soul.} 

Anyways, when He stops talking, I don't know what to do. I can't feel Him anymore, so I start playing by the rules. 

Go to church. Lead Bible study. Fellowship with women. 

Go through the motions. 

That's what happens. I turn legalistic. I start "following the rules" to a T. Wouldn't want to "mess up," ya know?

But I wonder if that's what happens sometimes with everyone. All of us. 

When you don't feel Him...When you don't know His voice...When He isn't leading you because you're not willing to be led, do you turn to rules instead? Just to be safe. 

Or maybe you've never felt His presence. Maybe you don't think the Holy Spirit speaks because He's never spoken to you. Maybe you don't know what it's like to feel the presence of the Lord. 

I think if I had never felt Him, I would turn to rules and check marks, and religion. I would want a safety net. 

But I wonder, if you would just seek Him....really seek Him, don't you think you'd find Him and feel Him, and start to know Him? 

I think so. 

That's what I did. I got mad. I got really, really mad about a little girl. I thought it wasn't fair that she had to suffer when the Bible so clearly said that she was "fearfully and wonderfully made." But she taught me so much. She taught me about a kingdom that is so much bigger than what we see. She taught me about eternity and a God with a plan more beautiful than I could imagine. She taught me about the very short "breath" of time that we are here on this earth. 

And I sought Him, and I questioned Him, and I told Him how mad I was. 

And I found something that I didn't know I was looking for. I found an active and loving and communicative God who just wanted my attention. He wanted to show me things, but He needed me to be engaged. 

You see, a relationship is steeped in communication, and if you can't communicate with the Lord, how can you have a relationship with Him? 

There were 400 years of silence from the time that Malachi until the Angel of the Lord appeared to Mary with the promise of a Son. 

And it is that Son to whom I am eternally grateful. He is the reason we have the ability to speak to the Lord as our heart sees fit. He is the reason we get to communicate with a great and holy God. 

His name is Jesus. 

31 days of Jesus...when all else fails....study

And it's day 2, and I'm wondering how I'm going to talk about Jesus for 31 days. 

The Lord is sort of funny like that. Not funny like ha, ha. More funny like, ha! Gotcha! 

He knows how I work. As I was praying about what the heck I could write about for 31 days, the answer was clearly Jesus. Probably because I need a whole lot more of Him in my life. 

He's always here. I just need my focus on Him. 

So what's a resourceful teacher like myself do? I go out and buy 3 books to study over the next 31 days (and beyond....). 

Yup. When all else fails, and you vow to write about a single man for 31 days, study till you come up with something to say....here's to seeing what tomorrow brings....

31 days of Jesus....Where?

I spent the day asking myself where Jesus fit in my daily routine. I have been slowly but surely changing my routine so that I get up earlier and spend the first part of my day with him either studying His word or in prayer. 

But today was not one of those days. I over slept. 

So now where does He go? 

The girls were coming over for Bible Study this morning which meant it was time to unload the dishwasher, start a load of laundry, pick out clothes for everyone, eat breakfast, clean up breakfast, change out all my Scentsy warmers....you get the idea.

After Bible Study it was time for school and lesson plans. There is a lot of planning going on as we figure out what our homeschool day looks like. We're getting used to our curriculum and settling in. It's just going to take time. 

She missed her friends today (talk about breaking a momma's heart), so we took our school day outside. That seemed to be the magic ticket. Playing with the neighbors this evening was just icing on the cake.

Oh and then more planning (since Brian and I are both teaching, we sort of have to have a plan going into each day). And math prep for tomorrow needed to be done....enter index cards and dot paint.

Then there was dinner that was not going to fix itself (I actually cooked tonight!).

And the remains of our homeschool day.

and this guy and a couple of chicks.

And my office and an online team meeting, and that list of to dos for tomorrow.

And where does He go? Where does Jesus fit into all of that? Because I need Him and need Him desperately. I need His grace and His peace and all those things that only come from Him. 

If you asked my kids where Jesus fits, they would tell you that He fits in your heart. And I don't think there is a better answer. He fits right inside my heart. I don't have to make Him fit into my busy crazy day, because He is already there. 

He's there as my children sing "Oh my soul march to victory. Oh rejoice for I have been set free." {Thank you Travis Cottrell). 

He's there as those big round eyes look at me like there is no other. 

He's there as my daughter and I have a great day....no behavior problems, no power struggles. Just grace. 

And He's there in the quite conversation of the day. The whispers to Him for guidance or encouragement or a simple reminder that He is leading me. 

There are no rules to Jesus. You can find him anywhere. Once you ask Him into your heart, He does not turn from you. He never leaves you. 

He guides you. He sends you His Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. 

And I realize that it sounds like it doesn't make sense. There is thing called faith that can't really be put into words. 

The greatest part about Jesus? He doesn't care what you've done. He doesn't care what you're doing. He loves you just as you are. He died on a cross for the sins He knew you would commit. 

Loving Him isn't about following rules or escaping sin. It's about having Him walk with you. It's about carrying Him inside you. 

Where will He fit in your day? 

Anywhere and everywhere. In the mess, in the madness, in beauty of it all....He'll fit in it all. Simple as that. 

31 days

The 1st few days breezed by. No big deal. 

Homeschool. We can do this. 

It doesn't look very traditional at our house. Brian teaching 2 days a week. Myself teaching 3. 

Today was different than the 1st few, and I wasn't even teaching. Brian taught today. I worked. I got everything done that I needed to (nearly everything). But somehow, I let the devil sneak in. 

Doubt started in seep in. Nothing stirred it. I just started wondering if I really could do it. The devil is stupid and sneaky like that. 

I'm better this evening. 

I shut my computer down, turned off my phone, and spent 2 hours outside with my kiddos, 11 chickens and the most fall-ish day we've had yet in Oklahoma. And I feel better. 

Dinner with my daddy and my sister and brother-in-law also helped. Snuggling and kisses and tickle fights....those things help too. I hand washed a kitchen full of dishes (since there was already a load in the dishwasher), and I let the warm water and suds soothe my soul. 

Sometimes my mind goes on overload. Sometimes I can't make it stop. And I needed it to stop today. 

So in honor making my mind stop, and slowing down, and focusing on what matters, I'm spending the entire month of October participating in The Nester's 31 Days Challenge. I already write everyday, so that won't be too much of a hang-up, but writing everyday about 1 topic may present a challenge. 

The question became, what is the only thing I need more of in my life? 

The answer? Jesus. 

So, that's it. You're about to get 31 days of Jesus. Lucky for you, there are amazing things that come with Christ. Ya know....peace, joy, love, gratitude. It'll probably be interesting to see where this goes. 31 days of Jesus....here we come.