To read the beginning of this story, click here. 

And I thought I would be the one that helped them. And in a way, we did. We provided a loving and nurturing home for them for 6 months. 

But so much more than me helping them, they helped me. 

They changed me. 

They made me know what it was like to really really love. There was so much risk involved in loving them. And for a while, I held my heart from them. I couldn't fall in love. What about when they left? 

And it was different than I thought it would be. I thought I would love them like I loved my own children. I thought I would want to keep them for always. 

And part of me did. But another part of me knew that the way I loved them was different. 

Those babies created a yearning in me for another baby. I thought I was done. But as I rocked him and snuggled him and began to fall in love with him, I knew I wanted to be pregnant again. 

So while we had "the babies" (as they have been permanently named at our house), we started trying for another one of our own. 

It didn't take long before I was pregnant. Our baby #3 was on the way. 

And all the while, the Lord was doing a huge work in me. He was changing me and challenging me in ways that I didn't even know I could be changed. He was taking my selfishness and anger and fear and doing away with all of it. 

I was no longer afraid. I couldn't be. There was simply no time for that. 

I was learning that I couldn't be angry at these babies because their parents screwed up. It wasn't their fault. 

And I was learning what it was like to truly serve. 

Changed and challenged and different.....I am all those things because of the babies. 

During this entire process, the Lord was planting another wild dream in our heart. 

It was a simple love that was put in our soul for California. It's climate, it's outdoor lifestyle, the beach, the mountains....we fell in love with all of it. 

And before we knew it, we could feel a very clear and obvious tug on our hearts to step out in faith and make a drastic move...A move across the country from Oklahoma to California. 

We had no exact reason. We just felt like we were supposed to go in obedience. 

In the middle of all this, it became very clear that our babies would not be going back to their biological mom and that they should be placed in a pre-adoptive home. And with that decision from the judge, we knew we couldn't keep them much longer. If they were going to be adopted, they needed to be moved as soon as the right family was found. We knew they weren't supposed to be ours. 

It became obvious who they were supposed to belong to. There was a family with a little girl who could have been our babies' older sister. Tow headed and spunky, she was going to fall in love with a little sister and brother. It seemed like the Lord was working everything out perfectly. 

This family couldn't have any other children. They knew our babies before we took them in. It was while we were on vacation and the babies were staying with family (next door to their soon to be pre-adoptive parents) that the dad saw our littles outside playing, walked in the front door of his home and told his wife that those babies were supposed to be theirs. 

It seemed like God's perfect plan was working out perfectly. 

But things aren't always what they seem.....

To be continued....

A story about timing

This is a story about timing and about trust and about faith. It is only part of our story. Many of you know some of it, but very few know the end. It may take me a few days to get to the end, but the end is the best part. 

It started as a thought. Maybe we could. 

Maybe we could open up our home, love someone else, help someone else. Maybe we could. 

And then the call came in the form of scripture. The book of James specifically. And I started to feel the Lord leading us into foster care. 

I felt the tug on my heart long before I responded to it, and then I had to wait for the Lord to move in Brian's spirit. And He did. 

We signed up for a home study and background checks and 27 hours of pre-service training. And before we knew it, there was a phone call. 

I had waited so expectantly for our paperwork to be approved. I knew we would have a baby by Christmas. But the Lord's timing was more than perfect. 

It was February when we got the call that our paperwork was approved, and immediately after that, we had not 1 but 2 babies. 

I couldn't turn down the call. We had loose ties to these babies before they came into our home. When they showed up on the doorstep, they had been in the shelter for 7 days, and my heart immediately melted. 

I will never forget their eyes as they looked up at me while they stood on my front porch with dirty faces and mismatched clothes. 

The worker's arms held the baby boy (1), and that little girl (still a baby herself....not yet 2 years old) stood on her own and reached her sweet little arms up to me immediately. She called me momma in the first five minutes. 

His big blue eyes stole my heart within in moments. I just held him in my arms. So close. Wishing I could have rescued them sooner. Wishing they wouldn't have had to stay in the shelter. 

They came with a grocery sack of clothes that were the wrong sizes and smelled of cigarette smoke. After a few papers were signed, the worker was gone, and we went from 4 to 6. 

And life became different. 

to be continued......

When we don't feel Him.....

Somehow it got late, and I was just thinking about something I heard today. {Thank you Beth Moore and Jesus The One and Only}

I have had people ask me about "getting a word from the Lord" and what that means and what it looks like. And I don't know that I have an answer. The more I sought the Lord, the more I heard from Him. 

The more I opened myself to Him, the more He spoke. 

The more I allowed Him to mess with me, the more He led me. 

But there have been times when I have closed my ears and my heart to Him. No doubt about it. Because I wasn't willing to do whatever it was He was calling me to. 

I turned my head and I stopped feeling Him near me. 

And oddly enough, when I stopped listening, He stopped talking. {And I'm not talking audible speaking. I have not heard the actual voice of God coming down from a cloud in Heaven. But I've heard Him in my soul.} 

Anyways, when He stops talking, I don't know what to do. I can't feel Him anymore, so I start playing by the rules. 

Go to church. Lead Bible study. Fellowship with women. 

Go through the motions. 

That's what happens. I turn legalistic. I start "following the rules" to a T. Wouldn't want to "mess up," ya know?

But I wonder if that's what happens sometimes with everyone. All of us. 

When you don't feel Him...When you don't know His voice...When He isn't leading you because you're not willing to be led, do you turn to rules instead? Just to be safe. 

Or maybe you've never felt His presence. Maybe you don't think the Holy Spirit speaks because He's never spoken to you. Maybe you don't know what it's like to feel the presence of the Lord. 

I think if I had never felt Him, I would turn to rules and check marks, and religion. I would want a safety net. 

But I wonder, if you would just seek Him....really seek Him, don't you think you'd find Him and feel Him, and start to know Him? 

I think so. 

That's what I did. I got mad. I got really, really mad about a little girl. I thought it wasn't fair that she had to suffer when the Bible so clearly said that she was "fearfully and wonderfully made." But she taught me so much. She taught me about a kingdom that is so much bigger than what we see. She taught me about eternity and a God with a plan more beautiful than I could imagine. She taught me about the very short "breath" of time that we are here on this earth. 

And I sought Him, and I questioned Him, and I told Him how mad I was. 

And I found something that I didn't know I was looking for. I found an active and loving and communicative God who just wanted my attention. He wanted to show me things, but He needed me to be engaged. 

You see, a relationship is steeped in communication, and if you can't communicate with the Lord, how can you have a relationship with Him? 

There were 400 years of silence from the time that Malachi until the Angel of the Lord appeared to Mary with the promise of a Son. 

And it is that Son to whom I am eternally grateful. He is the reason we have the ability to speak to the Lord as our heart sees fit. He is the reason we get to communicate with a great and holy God. 

His name is Jesus. 

31 days of Jesus...when all else fails....study

And it's day 2, and I'm wondering how I'm going to talk about Jesus for 31 days. 

The Lord is sort of funny like that. Not funny like ha, ha. More funny like, ha! Gotcha! 

He knows how I work. As I was praying about what the heck I could write about for 31 days, the answer was clearly Jesus. Probably because I need a whole lot more of Him in my life. 

He's always here. I just need my focus on Him. 

So what's a resourceful teacher like myself do? I go out and buy 3 books to study over the next 31 days (and beyond....). 

Yup. When all else fails, and you vow to write about a single man for 31 days, study till you come up with something to say....here's to seeing what tomorrow brings....

31 days of Jesus....Where?

I spent the day asking myself where Jesus fit in my daily routine. I have been slowly but surely changing my routine so that I get up earlier and spend the first part of my day with him either studying His word or in prayer. 

But today was not one of those days. I over slept. 

So now where does He go? 

The girls were coming over for Bible Study this morning which meant it was time to unload the dishwasher, start a load of laundry, pick out clothes for everyone, eat breakfast, clean up breakfast, change out all my Scentsy warmers....you get the idea.

After Bible Study it was time for school and lesson plans. There is a lot of planning going on as we figure out what our homeschool day looks like. We're getting used to our curriculum and settling in. It's just going to take time. 

She missed her friends today (talk about breaking a momma's heart), so we took our school day outside. That seemed to be the magic ticket. Playing with the neighbors this evening was just icing on the cake.

Oh and then more planning (since Brian and I are both teaching, we sort of have to have a plan going into each day). And math prep for tomorrow needed to be done....enter index cards and dot paint.

Then there was dinner that was not going to fix itself (I actually cooked tonight!).

And the remains of our homeschool day.

and this guy and a couple of chicks.

And my office and an online team meeting, and that list of to dos for tomorrow.

And where does He go? Where does Jesus fit into all of that? Because I need Him and need Him desperately. I need His grace and His peace and all those things that only come from Him. 

If you asked my kids where Jesus fits, they would tell you that He fits in your heart. And I don't think there is a better answer. He fits right inside my heart. I don't have to make Him fit into my busy crazy day, because He is already there. 

He's there as my children sing "Oh my soul march to victory. Oh rejoice for I have been set free." {Thank you Travis Cottrell). 

He's there as those big round eyes look at me like there is no other. 

He's there as my daughter and I have a great day....no behavior problems, no power struggles. Just grace. 

And He's there in the quite conversation of the day. The whispers to Him for guidance or encouragement or a simple reminder that He is leading me. 

There are no rules to Jesus. You can find him anywhere. Once you ask Him into your heart, He does not turn from you. He never leaves you. 

He guides you. He sends you His Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. 

And I realize that it sounds like it doesn't make sense. There is thing called faith that can't really be put into words. 

The greatest part about Jesus? He doesn't care what you've done. He doesn't care what you're doing. He loves you just as you are. He died on a cross for the sins He knew you would commit. 

Loving Him isn't about following rules or escaping sin. It's about having Him walk with you. It's about carrying Him inside you. 

Where will He fit in your day? 

Anywhere and everywhere. In the mess, in the madness, in beauty of it all....He'll fit in it all. Simple as that. 

31 days

The 1st few days breezed by. No big deal. 

Homeschool. We can do this. 

It doesn't look very traditional at our house. Brian teaching 2 days a week. Myself teaching 3. 

Today was different than the 1st few, and I wasn't even teaching. Brian taught today. I worked. I got everything done that I needed to (nearly everything). But somehow, I let the devil sneak in. 

Doubt started in seep in. Nothing stirred it. I just started wondering if I really could do it. The devil is stupid and sneaky like that. 

I'm better this evening. 

I shut my computer down, turned off my phone, and spent 2 hours outside with my kiddos, 11 chickens and the most fall-ish day we've had yet in Oklahoma. And I feel better. 

Dinner with my daddy and my sister and brother-in-law also helped. Snuggling and kisses and tickle fights....those things help too. I hand washed a kitchen full of dishes (since there was already a load in the dishwasher), and I let the warm water and suds soothe my soul. 

Sometimes my mind goes on overload. Sometimes I can't make it stop. And I needed it to stop today. 

So in honor making my mind stop, and slowing down, and focusing on what matters, I'm spending the entire month of October participating in The Nester's 31 Days Challenge. I already write everyday, so that won't be too much of a hang-up, but writing everyday about 1 topic may present a challenge. 

The question became, what is the only thing I need more of in my life? 

The answer? Jesus. 

So, that's it. You're about to get 31 days of Jesus. Lucky for you, there are amazing things that come with Christ. Ya know....peace, joy, love, gratitude. It'll probably be interesting to see where this goes. 31 days of Jesus....here we come. 

When you've been through a lot together

"We've been through a lot together."

We really have. She knows me better than anyone except my husband....and there's a chance that she knows me better than he does. 

Our journey started in kindergarten. Somehow, at 5 years old, a lifelong friendship was formed. We would go to school together until 3rd grade, and then we wouldn't walk the same halls again until our sophomore year. 

She knows all the details of my junior high and high school career. Everything I quickly forgot, she has remembered. She was there for my 1st kiss (knows the date and all the details); she was there when I performed on stage or cheered on the sidelines; we took road trips together; and many a sleepover in each other's beds. 

We are almost as different as night and day. She is the girl that everyone likes. She makes friends easily and comes off as pleasant. I, on the other hand, tend to come off as a witch on occasion, and I'm the first to admit that I don't like girls very much (more on that in another post coming soon). I'm a neat freak....she is not. She loves math. I love English Lit. She played basketball. I was a cheerleader. I was boy crazy in high school, and she was not.

And 25 years later, our lives have been intricately intertwined. She is simply a part of me. 

And when I say we've been through a lot, I mean it. I was a horrible friend in high school. I dated her ex-boyfriend/ 1st love in high school. That's pretty much an instant call for the end of a friendship with no questions asked. And she forgave me. I was so stupid. 

Now, as grown adults, we have been pregnant at the same time twice. She was in the room when my daughter was born. She got engaged on New Year's Even at my house. We were of course, in each other's weddings. 

Our relationship is different but very much the same now. There are times that we go months without talking. And when we see each other again, it's like we never missed a day. 

I'm thrilled that we were able to spend this weekend together. It was a joy to my soul. I can't really put into words what that kind of friendship is like. I'm just beyond grateful that I've been blessed with it. 

"Friendship isn't about whom you've known the longest...It's about who came and never left your side." 

{May 2006}

{This weekend}