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| My 1st nephew, Jaxson Levi Roy born on June 30th |
But the welcoming of this precious little man into the world is also a quick reminder of the amount of work it takes to love and raise a child. As I held his tiny little body in my arms today, I was reminded of the work, the sacrifice, and the energy it takes to give everything you have to help a new baby flourish and thrive in this world.
In all honesty, my heart has been aching for a baby for a while now. And although, the remedy for baby fever used to be an easy answer in my book, it no longer is. What used to be "let's have a baby," no longer seems so simple any more.
For the past few months, I've chased after God in search of an answer to my question, "how?" In the bigger picture, there are so many babies in so many places all over the world that need homes. Adoption seems like a reasonable solution to my baby fever. Then the questions become when? where? and how do we start? There is nothing easy about adopting. For people like Brian and I who are apparently very fertile, it seems so much easier to just have another baby.
Then my heart yells out at me, "easier is not always better." Not to say that any child we birthed wouldn't be a blessing from God. Just sometimes things are hard because the reward is great.
So adoption is on the table for sure, but then my soul cries out for the children in foster care, and you know what my head does? It yells right back. "Are you crazy? Do you really think you'll be able to love a child, no, fall in love with a child, and have to give it back one day? Do you think you are capable?"
There isn't a single thing easy about fostering from the outside looking in. But then I hear Sam Roberts (a great man of God from our church) and the words he heard God tell him as he doubted whether or not he and his wife could foster, "Is the Lord's arm too short?" (Numbers 11:23)
As I sit here with laundry and dishes and house cleaning to tackle plus a couple hundred e-mails in my inbox, my mind fills with doubt..."you have all these dreams. How do you plan to add one more thing, or one more child for that matter, to the table?" And I wonder. And then I hear God's words in my soul... Is my arm too short? So now foster care is on the table too.
I think of all the other things I want to do, start a women's ministry, go back to school (possibly bible college) and the person I yearn to be....a writer, a speaker, a runner, a teacher, and the list could go on. My mind screams at me, "You can't do and have it all!" And I hear his voice smiling down at me...all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27)
And I believe Him. He has put so much passion and drive into my soul, that I can't not believe Him. I know if he gives me the dream to do it, He will give me the endurance and passion to persevere.
The person I can't get off my mind as I ponder sweet precious babies (and whether or not they would still look sweet and precious next to my 2 and 4 year old) is Mary. Mary, the mother of Jesus. Although not a true "foster parent" in the way it works in our society, she was a woman who was so incredibly in love with her child, and she had to let Him go. She had to give Him up for us. Her son. And I wonder if I can't love a child for as long as he or she needs me and then give him or her back?
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:40
you fill my heart. again... we are so much alike. xo.
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