I don't know how to get it out. I don't know if this is what I'm supposed to feel and think through this whole process or if I'm the only one who has ever thought these things.

Am I supposed to eat boxes and boxes of Girl Scout cookies to cope? Is that part of every foster parent's journey? Just curious.

And what about love? Am I supposed to love them more than I do right now?

I love the way their eyes light up when they see me. I love the way they reach for me. I love the way they need me.

And in the same breath, I miss the days when the only person I had to take care of was me. There is no me in all of this. There is no place for selfishness, even though those thoughts creep in constantly.

What about you? What about your business? What about your marriage? What about your kids?

I keep ignoring my phone because my brain can't process. I completely forgot about a director call I had scheduled for tonight, and I haven't even emailed them to apologize yet.

I spent two hours getting babies to bed. I  just want to turn my phone off.

Is this what it's going to be like? Or will it get easier?

Will I love them more?

I wish I could show you their pictures. They are so incredibly precious. Towhead white hair and big blue eyes.

I'm still mad.  EXTREMELY mad.  I'm praying that God softens my heart. That He prepares Brian and me to be mentors to the parents. Right now I'm just pissed off at the parents.

Sometimes I can't even hold them because it makes me so mad. I would fight for them right now and they're not even mine. No one is checking on them. No one is concerned with how they're adjusting. How do you do that? How do you not care?

Am I supposed to be this mad?

I'm having a very hard time controlling my emotions. I'm really emotional today. My Bible study girls and all their babies flooded my house today. I was instantly at peace. Amidst people who I know I can trust....who I know will carry me, I felt whole again. Yet every part of me wants to break.....to curl up in a ball and cry. But I won't let myself.

My tears, instead, fall on their perfect heads when I rock them or snuggle them up for bed, or when I lie next to my babies thinking of how unfair it all really is. I would die for my children, as all of you would die for yours, and to not be willing to change for them is unimaginable to me. It's painful.

What would it be like to not have a mom? Many of you may have grown up having lost a mom or dad at a young age or maybe one or the other of your parents weren't in the picture, but the majority of us can say we have or had at least one parent who would have hung the moon for us. And every child deserves that. Every single one. But theses babies don't have it.

Now, let's be real here, I don't know what mom is thinking or has ever thought. Maybe she loves them and never had the example of what it looks like to be a mom. To love unconditionally. I don't know. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

What have I pulled my family into? Was this a huge mistake?

Am I supposed to think these things right now? I'm wishing there were a step-by-step foster parenting book.....this is what you're going to think, feel, and want to do. I just need to know there is light at the end of this tunnel.

I know it'll get better. I know it will get easier. It hasn't even been a week.

I know that I will fall in love with them more everyday. I already am. They deserve that. They deserve the love of a parent. They never did anything wrong. They're just babies who need love.

And I hate it. Babies are the definition of love. Yes, they're hard work, but everything worth doing is hard work.

I just hope my husband still loves me through all this. He is my rock. Always has been. I'm an emotional wreck, a ticking time bomb, and he's cool and collected, and has been dubbed The Baby Whisperer.

They adore him, and so do I. He's so much better at this than I am. And I'm scared of what will happen tomorrow when he goes back to work. How am I ever going to do this alone? It takes an army right now, and I haven't done a lick of work. (Remember above, I'm completely ignoring my phone!)

Oh, how I'm praying you don't read this and think I'm crazy. I promise I'm not (all the time). Maybe right now. But not always.

Your texts, scriptures, and Facebook messages are always in perfect timing. I know the Lord still has His hand all over this. I am not doubting. I'm standing firm. I'm just slightly broken, really mad, and wishing I could be more to everyone.

I apologize that this is what you have to hear about. I hope no one reading this is in the process of becoming a foster parent because by no means do I want to discourage anyone from it. I know it will be one of the biggest blessings of our life, and I honestly think it would be easier if more people would do it. We really could take care of the orphan epidemic in this country if we really wanted to. Maybe if more people did it, I wouldn't feel so alone.

Someone has to love them. Why not us?

.....day 178 of a year of writing.....

Day Three of Four Babies

Tonight I'm just tired.

I wish I had great and wonderful things to say about how glorious caring for someone else's kid is, but I don't. Honestly, today I'm slightly bitter and a little pissed off (and possibly hormonal...just possibly).

I'm irritated that I'm loving and snuggling on a teething baby who really just needs his momma. I'm pissed that she calls everyone momma. I don't think it's fair. Momma should mean one thing and one thing only. To her, it's just a word.

Writing it here literally makes me want to fall apart.

It's so not fair. All of it.

They deserve a momma just like everyone else. And instead they have to settle for us. And don't get me wrong, we look like the picture of perfection in comparison to what they must have come away from (which, I still don't know what they came away from). But that picture of perfection won't ever make me her momma.

I love them. That's all they need. But they're not my kids. And I almost feel guilty....like maybe I don't love them enough.

Brian is definitely better at this than I am. He's got more patience than I do for sure....and he always has.

And praise God he's here!

The Yukon Lifechurch.tv staff went on a retreat this weekend. They left Sunday night and won't be back until tomorrow night. He made the decision to stay home with us. I feel bad because it was so up his alley. There was going to be gun shooting and playing outside. I really don't know what they were doing, but I know it was going to be outdoor stuff, and he loves that.

Instead, he's here with us. Taking care of babies. A couple that aren't even ours.

I really hope you don't think I'm an awful person today. I don't know if the way I'm feeling is normal, or if I'm officially the worst foster parent in the history of the world.

No amazing and inspiring things have happened today. I attempted to work with three babies here. No one napped at the same time. Luke had to go to the doctor. And I was a little resentful of the day and the circumstance I guess.

I'll tell you what keeps me moving though......the smiles these babies have when Brian or I walk in the door could drop me to my knees. I have done nothing to deserve it, but they have so much love. They are full of it. Love seeps out of them. Did we all start out that way?

I'll do it all a little better tomorrow. Maybe I'll even figure out a way to take pictures of them without their faces so you can see their precious feet and towheaded blonde hair.

I'm a little afraid that I'm going to love them more everyday. I know I'm holding my heart from them. I only know bits and pieces of mom and dad's story, but they've made it sound like they are definitely going back to them eventually. What will that day be like? Tears threaten to fall from my eyes at the thought of it and they haven't even been here a week yet.

Oh Lord, where are you taking us? And why? I don't doubt you for one minute, but you sure like to keep things interesting, don't you?

Like I said, I guess this truly will be the adventure of our lives. It won't be easy. It won't be pain free. It may not even be fun, but in the end, we'll do whatever He calls us to do. Someone has to. That's what I think when I even start to doubt this......someone has to love them. Why not us?

It's been a long day. I'm grateful for so many things:

1. That I never walked that path of utter destruction that would pull me from my children. In all honesty, we're all just few bad decisions away from that. 
2. That my husband is such an incredible man of God. There is nothing "fun" about this, but he's on board 100% and doing better than I am. 
3. That tomorrow morning more than a dozen women will walk into my house. Women who I love and who I need. My sisters in Christ. Picturing them here pushes the tears right over the edge. I love them so much. And the great thing is, I am usually the strong one, but I know that if (and when) I break tomorrow, they will never look at me any differently. There is no judgment, no pressure, no expectation to be anything except who I am. What an incredible blessing they are in my life. 

It's a really good thing that the Lord is good even when I'm not. Here's another song for you. My favorite line: "You are more, You are more, than my words will ever say." And He is.

.....day 177 of a year of writing.....

Carried by Grace

There are things that each of us are made to do. Things that the Lord knew, if we followed Him, He would lead us to. Things that we are meant to thrive in.

I'm not even going to attempt to tell you that I'm thriving right now. I am being carried by the outpouring of love and sacrifice from the body of Christ alive in our friends and family. The Holy Spirit is speaking to them, and they are responding in eerie necessity.

Everything we could possibly need is being handed to us before we even ask. And everytime we have needed physical help, someone has shown up.

There are times that I begin to slip into fear. When I really start to think about what we've done. Four babies. Addison is a huge help. She is motherly and loving and so incredibly helpful, but she's not even five yet. We definitely have four babies in our house, and when I let that sink in, it gets scary. But the instant I start to fear or become anxious about this decision we've made, this commitment we've made to these babies, it's like a blanket of grace falls over me. He is holding us so incredibly close right now. I can feel Him anytime I need Him. When I start to fear, it's like I feel Him next to me, in me, reminding me that He is God; that we can do all things through Him; that He has called us to this.

He is holding us, carrying us through every second of this journey, this adventure.

There is no doubt. There is occasional fear and anxiety, but no doubt. I can't begin to doubt the way He is laying out every piece to the puzzle. His plan is always greater than ours.

We all have things, big things, that we're called to. Usually they're scary. Usually they're beyond us. But it's exactly those things that we were made to do. That we were born to do.

I am scared of all of this at moments, but even as I type it, I can't help but smile. His grace and His covering is so so good. He won't let me doubt this. Every victory is His power in us.

Our lives are too fleeting for us to miss out on the things we were made to do, no matter how scary, or how crazy or how intimidating they may seem. Life is short my friends. All that really matters is who we love and who we help while we're here.

May you find your greatest adventure by seeking first the Kingdom of God. He has an adventure for you. I wonder if you're letting Him lead you into it, or if you're holding back.

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:13-14 

“LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is."  Psalm 39:4 NLT 

I got to worship to the song you see about today at church. May you find that it's the right words tonight. My favorite verse: Carried by your constant grace, held within your perfect peace, never once, did we ever walk alone.  

.....day 177 of a year of writing.....

We're Adjusting

I don't know how else to explain it other than to say, we're adjusting.

Last night we took in our first set of foster babies.  Yes, I said babies. There are two of them. A one year old and an almost two year old. They are precious. Wonderful kids.

They call anyone who will play with them Mama or Daddy, which breaks my heart. They go to anyone, and they love my kids.

We are stocked up. I am so incredibly grateful for some of our great friends who brought bags of clothes over for these sweet babies. I have done loads and loads of laundry.

We have diapers in three sizes now. And lots of them.

We have shoes now....and lots of them. Thanks to our sweet friends.

We also, by the grace of God, already had two extra car seats. What a blessing!

We also have a toddler bed waiting to be put together that their aunt brought over.

So, we're adjusting. So far, so good. My kids are both adjusting well. Addison is a natural momma and loves helping with the babies. She can't remember their names and asked us last night if she could just call the girl "flower" because she can't remember her name. I laughed. She refers to her as "that girl" or "flower" now.

She also asked me if they were going to go home tomorrow. I said, "No, baby, they are going to live with us for a while." To which she responded, "Oh good!" I hope she doesn't change her mind.

I'm good. Honestly, there is so much going through my head, but I'm not taking myself too seriously. I know the Lord has called us to do this, and I know He alone will give us the peace and patience and grace to make it happen.

It's going to take some adjustment, some effort, and a lot of grace.

Thank you for your continued prayers and your continued support. Right now, we're going one day at a time.

.....day 176 of a year of writing.....

2 + 4 = 6

Suddenly there are more of us.

More mouths to feed. More little bodies to bathe. More babies to rock to sleep.

A friend called on Wednesday night to let me know that there were two babies in her family who were being taken to the shelter. She knew we were in the process of getting our foster care paperwork done, and she wanted to know if we would take them.

Yesterday was uneventful expect that Brian's fingerprints finally came back and our contract was submitted for review. Go figure. I guess that's just God's perfect timing.

And today, all of a sudden, there were more of us.

How are we doing?

I guess okay. Everyone was in bed by 9:30.....everyone except Luke, who is snuggled between Brian and me on the couch watching Gold Rush with us (he likes all the trucks and tractors).

I honestly haven't had time to process all of it.

They came with hardly anything. The case worker did stop at their grandma's to get some clothes and diapers, which I know is rare (but there wasn't much). I stopped at Toys-R-Us after a grocery store run to pick up all the baby stuff I thought we needed. Diapers, pull-ups, wipes, snacks, clothes, jammies, socks, sippie cups, the works.

Addison and I went out for frozen yogurt after I picked her up from school. It's a weekly outing for us, but this time was different. We've been talking about taking care of a baby while its mommy and daddy is sick. And today that became real. She was thrilled with the news that two babies were coming to stay with us for a while. Her exact reply was, "That'll be four babies!....including me!.....but I'm not a baby!"

Oh, so true. Four kids under the age of five....that's hard to do.

The baby boy just turned one on January 17th, and the sweet girl we have will be two on March 1st. Addison will turn five on March 14th and Luke will turn three on March 11th. We're officially crazy!

I guess I'm not done processing all of it yet. I don't really know what to think. I think we're going to have to have lots of routines and systems, that's for sure. But, other than that, I have no idea what this is going to look like.

I'm sure you'll be the first to hear all the exciting stories.....let the journey begin. This is adventure.

.....day 175 of a year of writing.....

Today Was Different

There is change in the air in the Dalke household.

After my random thoughts last night, I knew for certain that something had to give.

So I started making lists.

• Things I need help with. 
• Things I want to be better at. 
• Things I should probably give up. 
• Things I should be doing regularly. 

And then I reminded myself that I'm seeking Simplicity this year. That doesn't mean I'm giving up on things or quitting things. It simply means I have to be intentional with my time and my mind. What am I thinking about? How am I spending my time? 

And there are things that are screaming at me! Like, we need a more consistent routine in our house. We've let our routine slip away and become so lax. We've got to get back there. I need to be running (maybe not to run the 1/2 this year, that may have to go), but just because I need that time of solitude to let my mind wander, to be with Christ. 

I guess if we were all really honest, we'd admit that we're all just trying to figure all this out. I don't think anyone really has it all figured out. I mean, anyone can fake it, but what kind of life is that? 

The reason all this came to a front in our life yesterday is because we were presented with the possibility of taking in two foster babies (siblings....a one year old and an almost two year old). It's still up in the air and Brian and I are most definitely seeking God on it.....asking for His word on whether or not this is what He has for us. 

But if nothing else, all this talk of going from four to six overnight has me thinking. 

There are about to be some major systems that come into play in our house. (I do it in my business, why not our house, right?) 

I've got to get my butt in gear, and now is the time. 

I read the most beautiful words today that I just have to share, because frankly, I know my words are far from beautiful lately.....they'll come back around : )

I've referred to Kelle Hampton's blog before, but today she was speaking to me, girls and boys! 

She said: 

You step out of your comfort zone and experience the thrill of taking risks and the possibility of believing that, sure, things might be good, but if you stretched a little further, they might be great. I want to know great. And I will work hard to find it.

LOVE IT! That's what I'm talking about girl!To read all of Kelle's post today, go to http://www.kellehampton.com/.

Until then, I'm curious....is it only me? Or are there some things you need to let go of this year to make room for nothing more than simplicity in your life? Think about it....I bet you need to step back from something. The question is, are we brave enough to do it?

Praying you seek simplicity too...

.....day 174 of a year of writing.....

Warning....This Is My Brain on the Page

Oh, how I wish I had a great story to tell you, but I really don't. Or maybe some great advice to give you.

I wish I could tell you that things are flowing along great in my life, and I have everything under control.

Well, don't we all wish that?

And maybe sometimes some of us do, but me, right now, not so much.

I have a lot on my plate and apparently I think adding more things to that plate is a great idea. I'm not to be trusted, people.

Scentsy is doing huge things! We have new products coming out in March plus a new brand in May. I'm very excited! We're in the process of putting together a "Director in Training" program, a "New Director Program," and I'm personally working on upping my communication with my customers. We always have training events in the works: an upcoming director training and our spring training event coming in April.

Oh, I'm supposed to be training for a half marathon....ask me how that's going? Well, let's put it this way, my idea of getting dressed today was taking a shower, putting on my running pants, a sports bra, t-shirt, and a ball cap. I did that because I had every intention of running. But, I did not. I will tomorrow though. Really.

I'm thriving off the relationships that have flourished in my life because of Scentsy. There are people all across the nation that I call my friends. It is the very best thing about my life. Absolutely. I feel like no one deserves to be able to love that many people and have them return the favor.

On top of all that, I'm still juggling this whole work from home, be a mom, be a wife, be a chef, be a taxi driver, and oh, we can't forget, be a nurse.

I'm just getting the hang of using the time that Luke is at Mother's Day Out three days a week to get all my work done, and now I'm praying about how I'll add another baby (or two) to the daily mix.

As I write all this, I know exactly what my life is screaming for.....routine and simplicity.

We've slipped out of routine. I'm sleeping until my kids wake me up everyday (yes, that makes me lazy!), and I'm not taking enough control of my schedule. I'm writing stuff down and checking it off when it gets done, but I'm not being intentional with my time.

We're too far from the church that we have come to call home. We spend too much time on the road between here and there, and that's driving both of us a little nuts, but the thought of moving and getting settled again makes me crazy. Yet, I know we're supposed to get closer. Closer to family, closer to our church, closer to the friends we have come to know as family.

But all that means change, and change is scary.

So what's the solution to my mess? I think I need to lay out what I'm working towards. I need some written goals. I know they make a difference. I'm even making my Scentsy directors send me theirs, but  have I done mine yet? Nope!

Well, I guess I'm adding something else to my To Do list for tomorrow.....wake up before my kids, and write out my goals.

What do you think? Good game plan?

What do you need in your life? Some written plans? More routine? Just curious......

.....day 173 of a year of writing.....