Feeling Empty

After a day full of emotions yesterday, I simply feel empty today.

Nothing. No tears. No emotions.

Just empty.

I don't know if the Lord is guarding my heart or if I'm holding myself back from getting too involved and getting hurt.

I got to hold him tonight and love on him and just be with him. And I smile writing that. He's a great baby.

But I didn't hold him the way I would have if he were mine. That may sound silly, but I think there's a difference. I was reserved. I didn't fall too head over heels on purpose.

Who knows what will happen?

And even though my emotions are empty, my brain won't turn off.

I have a million thoughts running through my head tonight. Will I be able to love him the way I love my babies? I'm sure I will, but I still wonder. Will it feel right if he does come into our home?

Will I be able to mother him the way he needs to be mothered?

Will we be able to catch up for lost time?

And what will the end result be? Will his birth mother try to fight for him? (She would be crazy not to.) But she screwed up pretty bad. More than I care to know about, but I know. I know what happened, and it kills me.

I don't understand people. I know that no one decides to be a crappy mom. Things just happen. Drugs and alcohol reign over people's lives.

I feel like someone needs to save him. The question is, are we strong enough to do that?

I feel like we are.

And no matter what I think or feel, it's all still up in the air. No matter how bad I want him, I don't get to make that decision.

We're willing, able, ready. But none of that matters. There is a lot of legal crap involved.

And then I wonder how his birth mom feels. Does she even care? She hasn't called once to check on him.  That may say it all.

I don't get it. It makes me mad. But maybe she's numb too. Maybe she feels empty. Sometimes it's easier to feel empty than to feel full.

I hate that I know so much about the situation. I look up the news report. Now her mug shot is stuck in my head. I don't like knowing about it, but it's part of him and who he is, and maybe, just maybe, it was the Lord's way of saving him.

Sorry for the ramblings. There isn't a lot making sense in my mind right now.

I do have so much more peace than I did yesterday. I know God has plans for both this baby and for our family. Whether those plans intersect or not is still to tell. I'm trusting in His perfect plan and knowing that if it's not this baby, there will be another one one day.

Thanks for being ears to hear all the thoughts running through my head. Your listening ears mean more than I can say.

I'm letting these words speak to my soul tonight. May they bless you, too.

From Hillsong's Forever Reign -

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love 
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light 
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin.

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy 
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, 
In You death has lost its sting.

Oh, I’m running to Your arms, 
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign.

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go.

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign.

.....day 110 of a year of writing.....