I kissed her on the crown of her head and whispered to her that she was so special to me. And the corners of her little mouth turned up into the biggest grin. 

She wants to be adored. Like all women do. We want someone to notice us, love us, cherish us, tell us that we're special. I want to be the person who tells her everyday how special she is. 

Tonight was good, but this morning was rough. She and I have a battle of the wills more days than not lately. I realize that that is part of parenting, but I don't want to settle for just saying "that's just how it's going to be." 

In the summer, we rarely have it out. During the school year, we butt heads. I can't explain. Maybe she's tired. Maybe there are too many other influences in her life. Maybe I'm just not there enough. I don't know what it is. 

But what I do know is that something is wrong in my soul. I am uneasy and unsure and as I type those words, tears fill my eyes. 

I feel vulnerable and inadequate and unsure of myself and what I'm being called to. There is a definite prompting in my spirit to homeschool her. It's a prompting that I can't seem to explain away. 

And the devil is having his way with me...or at least he is attempting to. I find it interesting that the devil is concerned with me considering homeschooling, but he definitely is. There has been definite and obvious opposition today. I feel worn and defeated and completely incapable, not to mention full of doubt. 

In the same breath that I say I feel full of doubt,  I also feel full of peace. I almost feel like the only thing I'm missing is the courage to do it. 

The truth is, I don't want to homeschool. I feel the holy spirit leading me there (for some unknown mysterious reason), and I am very adamantly digging my heels into the ground. 

This is hard. How do we decide what is best for our children. I mean, do we even know? Probably not. But there are some things I know.....

I know I want to question everything. I don't just want to do what everyone else has done. 

I know my heart desires more time with my 6 year old. 4 hours a night isn't enough. And as I think about the 3 of them (hopefully 4 of them...one day) getting involved in extracurricular activities, then where does that 4 hours go....probably straight out the window. 

I know I don't want my children to doubt who they are in Christ. I know they will, but I want them to know who the Bible says they are so they can stand on it's truth when they need to. 

I know I want our family to be Christ centered.....not child centered. 

and I know something isn't well in my soul right now. I feel a little at war. So be it. She's worth fighting for. And I'll fight until I figure it out. 

Ramblings about Raising a Girl

It turns out that raising a daughter will be more than I signed up for. True story. 

She's 6, and she's an emotional basket case. I mean, we're at the beginning stages people. Part of me wonders if I'm making the best choices for her. I know that our ultimate job as parents is to raise our children so that one day that don't need us anymore. It's an 18 year weaning process. 

There is a fine line between the helicopter parent and the healthy parent. I don't want to be the helicopter parent. I want her to make her own decisions (when it's appropriate for her to do so), I want her to be full of joy and Christ's love, and I want her to know how much we love her. 

She is strong willed and stubborn very much like both of her parents. There are days that I feel like I only see her strong willed, stubborn nature, and not her sweet spirit. I'm worried about the things she may or may not be learning on the playground.

I watch her light up when we do things to make her feel special. I showed up for lunch at her school today, and she grinned from ear to ear. We talked and shared our lunches, and it was sweet. 

There are days that I wonder if I'm making the right choices about her education, but I honestly don't know if I can realistically homeschool while running our business. I've got it down to where I work 20 hours a week max. I throw the idea around in my head from time to time wondering if I could really do it.....wondering if it would really be the best thing for her. 

Do I want to do it because I want her here and I miss her? Or do I want to do it because I think it would be the best thing for her? I honestly don't know. 

Our situation is unique. There is no doubt about that. If I were a stay at home mom, I think maybe I would do it. But I'm not. Our entire income rides on our Scentsy family business, and considering the hours I work a week, that's not too bad of a deal. 

I don't know. I don't know if I have answers or not. I'm simply toying with the idea (I really always have toyed with the idea). I don't want to do anything because it's what someone else thinks is right. I want to do things that I know are right in my soul. I'm not positive public school is it. I'm not sure if homeschool is the answer either.

I spent 2 hours today at her school making copies. I think it would have taken me 3 hours to properly homeschool her today. It's an interesting thought.

I love Addy's school and her teacher, but I just want to make sure that public education is the right choice for her.  Sorry for the ramblings tonight. It's just what my brain is thinking about.  

Anyone else ever play with the idea of homeschooling? If so, what are your reasons for considering it? I'm just curious.

The First Day of School

Our school situation is beyond dreamy. Addy goes to a little private school less than a mile from our house.

It's an incredible school. She is in a class of 4 and 5 year olds with only six kids in the entire class! Her teacher is incredible and all the staff seem to absolutely adore Addison.

Yesterday was her first day of Pre-K. She was gone from 8:30-3:45! Don't get me started; I might cry!

She, on the other hand, is crazy about being at school that long. When I asked her how her first day of school went, she said, "I stayed all day, and I didn't even take a nap!"

What a day.

But as a mom, my heart breaks every time I drop her off. I miss her so much during the day. I don't get very much "Addy" time anymore.

I have felt called to homeschool for a few months now. My plan is to start next year. I already know the battle I'll face....she will want to go to school.

The great thing about her school now is that she is learning to truly love learning. That is exactly what I want. I want her to love everything about the pursuit of knowledge. I don't want her to be held back. I want her to want more of everything that is thrown at her.

But as much as I want her to love learning, I want her to love Jesus even more. I want her to know who she is, and I want her to know who she is in Christ.

I also (simply out of selfishness) want to be able to take her to the museum, and the zoo, and the beach when all the other kids are in school. I want to go on adventures with her. I want to fall into a book on a rainy afternoon with her under a fort of blankets hidden away from the rest of the world.

I don't want to have to miss the next 14 years.

My heart is in such turmoil right now. She loves her school, and so do I! She thrives there. She gets the attention she needs and the socialization she craves. I mean come on, the kid has a tree house in her classroom!

But while I wrestle with my heart and my head, I'll spend the next 7 months reading everything I can about homeschooling. I'll keep looking to my homeschooling group for guidance (yes, I'm in a homeschool group and I don't yet homeschool). And I'll keep praying that God will clearly show me the best future for our children. And wherever He leads me, I will follow.

.......Day 14 of a year of writing.....