Last Friday I had my 1st mammogram. They called me Friday afternoon to tell me they found a spot on my left breast. The high risk specialist on the phone made it clear that they weren't too concerned about it, but because of my BRCA 1 and 2 mutations, they needed to look into it further. 

So yesterday morning, I headed to the women's center bright and early. I checked in 10 minutes late (as is my normal operating procedure) and sat down to wait. 

And I suddenly started to feel so very alone. 

I was scared for the first time. I let my mind wander to to the what ifs. I didn't expect to do any of that, but suddenly, sitting in a room patiently waiting, I let fear set in. 

And I started praying. Lord, if this is a battle I have to fight, I'll ultimately have to do it alone in my mind. My support system is amazing. I couldn't ask for more love around me. But no one else can get in my head. No one else will have to fight the inner battle. I will have to do that alone with you. 

And as I began to feel very, very alone, my sister walked around the corner, and I nearly cried. 

It was the sweetest reminder from the Lord that I don't have to and won't ever have to walk any of this alone. My sister, my mom, my aunt, my husband, my family.....they're all going to walk it with me. Whatever this journey ends up looking like, they'll all be there. 

Just thinking about the way my soul felt when I saw my sister's face, draws tears to the brim of my eyes. It was sweet. Loving. Exactly what I needed. 

We had no idea that we both had appointments on the same day, at the same time. She was there to see our high risk specialist to discuss her surveillance plan moving forward. I was there for additional imaging (which I hadn't told her about yet), and it was October 1st......the beginning of breast cancer awareness month. 

The second I saw her, I knew that none of this would have to be walked alone. Not a single step. Not even this little wait. 

I love moments like this that the Lord orchestrates for our hearts. He knows the desires of our hearts, friends, and He wants to give us those desires!

Whitney Janzen

Yesterday · 

 

View on Instagram Today is the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month! And I am wearing my hot pink skinniest to celebrate! Knowledge is Power friends! Go get a mammogram.... I'm waiting to get one right now. They don't hurt and it doesn't take long. It's worth your time to get checked. #themoreyouknow#breastcancerawareness — at Mercy Women's Center - Oklahoma City.

The above post from my sister is proof of a sweet moment of truth that the Lord gave me yesterday {see my shoes in the upper left hand corner}. 

Ultimately, I had to go back on my own, but my strength had been renewed simply by her presence. 

The mammogram was just on 1 breast. They were specifically looking for a certain spot. When she was finished taking what felt like a million pictures of my boob, she told me that she would show the images to the doctor, and then they would come get me if I needed to have an ultrasound. 

I waited in a small waiting room they call the TV room. I watched the weather while I waited and smiled and chatted with the couple other women who came and went while I continued to wait. 

I remember wondering what it would mean if they came to get me for an ultrasound. Would it be bad? Would that mean something was serious? 

And then she came......"Mrs. Dalke, if you'll follow me, we're going to head to the ultrasound room."

Crap. 

Here we go. 

The tech was nice. The room was cold. That seems like a silly detail, but it was really, really cold in there. 

I laid and started at the ceiling while she looked thru every inch of breast tissue. She kept saying that everything looked great. It all looked normal. But when she was done, she said she needed to show the images to the doctor and that the doctor may want to come in and look again. 

Okay. 

What does that mean? I thought it all looked good. Let's button it up and head home, lady. 

And there I was again. Alone. Cold. Staring at the ceiling. Wondering if this day would be significant. 

And right in the middle of the fear that I was letting slip in, came peace. Unexplainable. Undeniable. Peace without understanding. 

Not alone. But in Christ. 

Not cold, but full of the warm light of the Lord. 

Not staring up at the ceiling, but staring up towards Heaven. 

Not wondering if this day would be significant.....knowing it would be. Because today, I was reminded that I'm not alone, and I don't have anything to fear because greater is He who is in me, than He who is in the world. 

 Then the doctor was there, and I wondered if I should sit up to introduce myself or continue lying on the table. She wanted to have a look. 

Go ahead lady. Take a look. Whatever you find, I'm good. 

She looked and looked and looked and finally re-assured me that everything looked great. All normal breast tissue. 

She wanted to confirm that I was both BRCA 1 and 2 positive and that I was seeing a genetic counselor and that I would be back in 6 months for an MRI. 

Yes and yes and yes. 

And just like that, she was gone, and all was normal, and I was free to go about my day. 

And I still don't know what my plan is. I know I'll continue high risk surveillance. Whether or not I'll do more is still up in the air. But I do know, that whatever path I walk in the future, it will not be walked alone. 

We Will Do Anything

It's a good thing I like storms, because that saying "when it rains, it pours," has been so very true in our lives lately. 

I don't feel like we're in the midst of a storm, but I do feel like the devil would like me to believe that we are. Today was a day that many people would classify as a storm. 

It started with information about Baby A's bio mom that I didn't want to hear. It quickly moved to the results of my mammogram. They found a very small spot on one of my breasts that they need to do further testing on. The breast specialist made it clear that they were not concerned about it, but because of my genetics, we would need to test it further. 

I'm not worried about it, but it feels like this annoying look into my future where I get tested and re-tested over and over again for the rest of my life because I'm BRCA 1 and 2 positive. 

Oh and as I'm on the phone with the lady at the breast center, I look up at the ceiling in our kitchen and notice a huge water spot. 

Turns out, our water softener machine thing is leaking. I though that maybe that would mean we could get a new kitchen and new floors upstairs, but it actually just meant a $6,000 deductible. 

Bring on the rain. 

I also spent a lot of the day feeling entirely annoyed with the foster care system. You really shouldn't feel like you're under a microscope all the time as a foster family choosing to love a baby. 

And love this baby we do. We're pretty much addicted to him already, and I'm doing my best to ignore the very real possibility that he could move soon, since his time in custody will probably not be short. Everyone agrees he should be with his brother. That really is what's best. 

This afternoon, after crying in the bathroom (it was just a tiny pity party, I promise), Brian encouraged me to take the big kids to Unpluggits to paint and play for a couple hours while he stayed home with Wyatt and Baby A. 

I did it, and while the kids painted, I fell into the gospel. I'm currently doing a beautiful and simple and wonderful study by She Reads Truth called A Study of Justice.  Day 5 of the study was written by Jennie Allen.

I may have cried in the middle of a children's play place over the words she wrote in today's devotional. Maybe. 

First of all, this verse is plastered in the middle of the devotional: 

He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those whoa re foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt.  ~Deuteronomy 10:18-19

And Jennie tells a story of how she and her husband prayed a prayer that at times, she has regretted....wanted to take back....but only for moments.

That prayer? "God-we will do anything. "

It's a powerful prayer. It's a prayer that will change a life. It's a prayer that can wreck your life in the best way.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. ~Matthew 16:25 

Jennie explained that after praying that prayer "nothing in their previously sane lives was the same....God led us deeper into the lives of the people He loved and further from the safety of the familiar."

Yeah. That's what I want. And maybe, that's where we are. That's how I felt today....nothing is the same.

BUT......

"Freedom and healing hide in the backwards way God tells us to find life. Die to live. Lose to find. Empty yourself to be filled."

"God is home to us, and helping others find their way home makes our journey have a little less alien feeling."

Yep. That's exactly where I want to be. Wrecked. Changed. Helping others find their way home.
Let's do that.
Bring on the rain.

A Day of Waiting- My 1st Mammogram at 30

When everyone was picking a word at the beginning of this year, I resisted to pick a word simply because everyone else was doing it. I like to be a rebel like that. That is until the Lord placed the word trust on my heart. And He was pretty persistent about it, so I caved and decided to make trust my main goal this year. 

And I have definitely had to trust Him this year. With a BRCA 1 and 2 diagnosis and a journey back into foster care, I have needed to trust Him more than ever this year. 

Today was spent doing a lot of waiting and a lot of trusting. It was the day of doctor's appointments that needed to happen after the whole BRCA discovery. 

So today, I had an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. I had a blood test called a CA125, and I had a clinical breast exam and a mammogram along with a session with a high risk specialist. 

Here's what I learned:

I'm getting pretty good at waiting, and none of it was as bad as I made it out to be in my mind. 

The ultrasound was uncomfortable, but not painful, and the blood test was no big deal at all. 

After those lovely tests, I had to go across the street to the Breast MRI center for my session, mammogram, and breast exam. 

They treated me like a celebrity over there. Apparently my mom and I are the only two people in this particular high risk program (that follows hundreds of women in our area) with both BRCA 1 and 2 mutations. We're like super famous in the boob world. 

I was informed with new research on my gene mutations, a full list of my current options, and an explanation of what to expect in the coming months and years as we continue surveillance. Turns out that I'll have to be super serious about tracking my period since my next appointment (in 6 months) will be for an MRI and it will need to be done during a specific time frame in my cycle when the estrogen in my body is at it's lowest. Tracking my period is now on the To-Do list I guess. 

After the session, I was taken to a room for the clinical breast exam where Sharon was very thorough and explained to me exactly how I need to do my own exams. She was even sweet enough to remind me how how small I am. She assured me that she would still be able to feel things. 

Thanks, Sharon. I appreciate the reminder of my small chest size. 

I actually liked Sharon and couldn't help but smile when she commented on my small size. I was even more impressed with the non-paper gowns. I fully expected those horrid paper sheets they make people wear on TV. Nope. This was a real life, not paper sheet (or maybe it was old curtains or a tablecloth) with a hole in the middle for my head. I really did like it. 

Well, I liked it until they made me wear it to go to "the other side" as they called it, where they do the mammograms. 

You could totally see all of my side as I walked through the office. I'm sure of it. But I walked with pride through that office where I was, by far, the youngest person in the room. 

I had to sit in a waiting room all by myself and watch general hospital while wearing my floral patterned sheet. It seemed like I sat there for hours, but I think it was only 15 minutes. However long it was, it was just long enough to make me so very glad that I have other things to do in the middle of the day besides watch General Hospital (if you're a fan, I'm sorry). 

And suddenly, there was a lady in the doorway. She had obviously come for me since I was the only soul in the room. She said my name anyway, just to be sure, and off we went. 

The room with the mammogram machine in it is quite intimidating. I had to wear a giant and heavy lead skirt around my waist. 

Once the lead skirt was secured, it was time to face the machine. While I did not take this picture, this is exactly what it looks like. 

I've heard mammograms are painful. Maybe that's the case for some, but it wasn't painful for me. Maybe it's the size of my breasts (see above comment) that made it bearable for me. I don't know. 

It was incredibly uncomfortable. Mostly because there is no place to put your face when your boob is smooched in that machine. The hardest part (aside from where you're supposed to put your face) is that you have to hold your breath, and since you don't know what to do with your face, it's hard to hold your breath. If you have nice sized boobs, it may be more painful for you than it was for me. I really don't know. But I know it's short. Very short. Only takes a minute, and it's no big deal, so if you need one, you should go get one. 

And after the boob squishing, I was done. The day of waiting was over. For now. 

I really am learning more and more about waiting on the Lord. I'm not sure I understand where I fit in yet in this BRCA journey, but I'm okay waiting until the Lord shows me where I fit. I trust Him. I trust the process. I trust the journey, so here we go. 

We're Headed to Pittsburgh and our Home Study Was Approved!

I am literally writing (and posting) from over 10,000 feet aboard a Southwest airplane headed from Boise, Idaho to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 

It was been a very long and amazing week in Boise, and now we're making our way to Pittsburgh to do a business launch party for a few new girls joining our Scentsy family. We are so excited to have them, and we're really excited to be heading their way to help them get started. 

I told Brian that we should pretend this is a little weekend getaway, so we're sipping vodka tonics on the plane while I catch up on writing and he watches free TV on his phone. It's a happy place for both of us. 

Yesterday's post was so long that I didn't get to tell you about my favorite night of SuperStar Director Summit. Our free nights are always my favorite. We take over the hotel lobby and do nothing but catch-up, share, and laugh a lot. 

Last night was no different. We didn't have as many free nights this year, so we had to do our best to make up for that by making our last night together truly epic. 

If I had to narrow last night down to one emotion, it would be joy. We enjoy each other so very much. We come from all walks of life, numerous religions, and from all across the U.S. and Canada, and when we're together, we're simply family. 

I love these people so much! Have you gathered that yet? I think I've said it a million times over. 

On another note.....an exciting one.....our home study was approved today. Which means, we could get a foster baby any day now. 

For about two seconds, I was overwhelmed, but I'm not anymore. Traveling today has reminded me that this year was (and is) about trust and being brave. I trust the Lord's timing. I know He has a child picked out for us. And it has not escaped my mind that our foster care processes happened in the middle of our BRCA diagnosis. I don't know what that means, and I am not assuming at all. But I trust that the Lord has a baby that will fit into our lifestyle and mesh with who we are. We will work towards reunification as long as that is the goal, but we also won't be close minded about other possibilities. 

At this point, we're simply trusting. Trusting the Lord's timing and understanding. I can't wait to see where this adventure takes us. 

One adventure down. Another one to come. 

Leaving a Legacy...More BRCA 1 and 2 talk

We spent most of the day traveling, on our way to Boise for the very 1st Velata convention. But before we left town, we had my sister drop us off at our foster care agency to sign our papers and submit our home study! That means that we could have a placement by the end of the month! We're excited and anxious and ready to see how the Lord will use us in the life of a baby that we don't know yet or that possibly hasn't even been born. Will you join us in praying over the baby the Lord is planning on placing in our home? 

After signing our papers, my sister took us directly to the airport to head out of town. I didn't sleep much since I spent most of the night packing (as usual), but I wanted to use my time on the plane to start researching my options concerning my BRCA 1 and 2 mutation. 

I spent the majority of both plane rides reading through Previvors. It's an incredible book written specifically for women facing a genetic mutation and increased risks of breast or ovarian cancer. 

Last night, I read these words, and decided they were going to have to be my mantra: 

Some people say our high risk for breast cancer (and in my case, ovarian cancer) and the way we tackle that risk is the legacy we leave to our children. 

What incredibly powerful words! All I could think was, yes! That's exactly it. I know that not everyone will agree with the decisions I make one day about how to fight my risk, but those choices are ultimately my choices, and I will make each choice with my children and my husband in mind.

 

To be encouraged

Looking back on last Wednesday is a blur. We were preparing to leave for a 10 day trip to Boise and then Pittsburgh. We were excited to head to Velata's 1st convention. 

The day before we leave for a trip is always crazy busy and surrounded by packing and prepping and planning. 

Brian spent the day outside doing the yard work and cleaning out the chicken coop while I spent the day meeting and chatting with a couple team members, delivering Scentsy basket parties, and dropping off our final documents to our foster care agency. 

I am so incredibly blessed by the women on my team. I was able to sit across the table from a team member on Wednesday for our monthly chat and the first words out of her mouth were, "so how are you? Tell me about you?" 

She genuinely wanted to know about my diagnosis and everything that's happened in the past week since I got the news that I was BRCA 1 and 2 positive. She is a Christ follower who believes (just like I do) that the Lord has a beautiful story to tell through each of our lives, and this diagnosis is just part of my story. I couldn't agree with her more.

I have no doubt that the Lord will be glorified through all of this. I'm honestly looking forward to our time away. I'm looking forward to thinking, praying, reading, and researching, and to some much needed time with friends. I will miss my babies terribly, but I'm grateful for this brief moment that I'll get to think. 

And I am very grateful for the strong women of faith that the Lord has placed in my life for such a time as this. 

What a joyous thing it is to have someone to encourage you. 

Genetic Counseling

Brian noticed that her hands were shaking as she walked into the room. I don't know if it was because every one of these conversations she has must suck or if she had too much caffeine and not enough lunch. Either way, this was going to be an interesting conversation. 

Our genetic counselor had the less than wonderful job of explaining all our options today. There are options, and I'm in no rush to make a decision as to what should be done just yet. I don't have cancer, so I have time. I have time to research and study and interview and pray and gain the knowledge that I need to make the best decision for my body and my family and our future. 

That's the weird thing about genetic testing. A mutation doesn't mean you will get cancer for sure, it just means that you'll get cancer almost for sure. What a strange knowledge to have. 

Because I am a BRCA 1 and 2 carrier, I have a 80% chance of developing breast cancer and a 30% chance of developing ovarian cancer over my lifetime. The general population's risk is 12% for breast cancer and 2% for ovarian cancer. It's not the best odds, but it is what it is. 

Starting immediately, I'll have clinical breast exams every 6 months and an annual mammogram and breast MRI screening. I'll also have to have transvaginal ultrasounds and a blood test every 6 months to look for ovarian abnormalities. 

But I'll also need to seriously consider a Mastectomy (which would reduce my breast cancer risk by greater than 90% depending on the type) and/or a Hysterectomy (which would reduce my risk of ovarian cancer and additionally reduce my breast cancer risk by 50%). 

Those are serious surgeries that need a lot of thought, prayer, and education to make a decision about. Luckily, I'm not alone. There is support for women facing Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer. There are two different organizations that exist to support women with a diagnosis like mine. 

F.O.R.C.E stands for Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered and Bright Pink which is the only national non-profit organization focusing on the prevention and early detection of breast and ovarian cancer in young women, while providing support for high-risk individuals both exist to provide support to women like me, and for that I am grateful. 

Plus, there are women that I know personally who have gone through this same thing who have reached out and offered their words and experiences to share with me. There is nothing like that. 

From here on out, I'm a book worm. Researching, searching, praying, and asking the Lord for the best option for me. Today begins a new journey on which I will choose to be braver than I feel. 

Being brave......

Love that matters

My husband made me write tonight. I just didn't feel like it. I don't feel like I have anything to say at the moment, and I had to clear a spot on my desk to put my computer because my office is so messy.

But my commitment to write everyday is not just about checking off a box, it's about writing down the bones about what really happens in life. Not scripted. Not planned. Not always edited. Just real and raw and honest.  

That's usually where the best stuff comes from....in those moments where I sit down to write and have no idea what I'm going to say, that's usually when the Lord shows up to remind me of something that I need to remember or write on my heart. 

Tonight I can't stop thinking about the amazing friends and family I have. I am so grateful to have people who love me and give of themselves so selflessly to do so. 

My husband is one of those people. He is my rock, and he has been the strongest I've ever seen him over the past few days. He has served my family and me in such a beautiful way. And I'm crazy about him. 

But I also have these friends who send me things in the mail. Things that somehow always come at the exact right moment. 

I received two necklaces in the past 3 days from two very dear friends. The first came on the day that I found out I was BRCA 1 and 2 positive. A small, silver circle, with an A in the middle of it and Jeremiah 1:5 attached to it: 

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. 

The perfect reminder that He knows my name. 

Then, just 2 days later, I received a necklace from a dear friend with a picture of my three babies on it and the words, with brave wings she flies. {And these beautiful and encouraging notes.}

Neither of them knew how timely their love mail would be received. Neither of them knew the impact the words attached to those necklaces would have.  

Here's what I know. I wanted to bawl when I opened that "A" necklace. The reminder that the Lord knows my name and knew me before I was born, makes me want to drop to my knees in praise.....gene mutation or not. I was no mistake. 

And when I went to the mail and found that necklace with my babies picture on it, I was on the phone with that very same friend who sent it. {We've talked on the phone maybe 3 times in our friendship.} It was a simple reminder that I am not alone; that I have friends and family who love me and will fight for me and support me no matter what decisions I make in the future. 

I tell you all this not to merely brag on my awesome friends, but to encourage you. When you think of someone, drop them a note, give them a call, send a text. Your words and your love are incredibly powerful in the lives of others. 

I know that there are days when we feel like we'll never get our own lives together, but there is joy that comes from encouraging someone else. Your words and your ideas do matter, and so often the Holy Spirit uses us to encourage others in only a way that He can understand. So no matter how silly it may seem, or how much it may not make sense to you, send the text, write the card, make the call. 

Your words matter. They truly, truly do.

Previvors

It's been quite the 24 hours. I'm still processing yesterday's phone call. It's not the best news I've ever had, but not the worst either.

My mind usually runs a million times a minute, and today it has literally felt empty. It's a strange feeling. Almost numb. 

Brian has been incredible.....wanting to tend to my every need and feeling. I think he's been waiting for me to break down. I haven't yet, but maybe I will soon. I don't really know what to feel. Maybe that's why I feel numb.

My family is here this weekend. My mom, my dad, my sister and brother-in-law all gathered around our dining room table tonight to eat and laugh and play and celebrate, and that's a good feeling.

Luckily, I'm not the first person to face this hurdle, and have had many people step forward with encouragement and an ear to listen. For that, I am grateful.

There is also research and books and options. I've already bought several books, including Previvors. 

 

So while there is a lot to process and think and pray about, I'm grateful to those who have gone before me. Here's to another adventure. 

The things we inherit {A BRCA1 and BRCA2 diagnosis}

We recently inherited a set of copper lined pots and pans that were my grammy's. They are pots that fed my family, pots that my mom remembers her mom cooking out of. And they are a treasure to me. I've come to love washing them in the sink every night. A simple act of daily living that has suddenly brought me great joy.

Today I learned that I inherited more than just copper lined pots and pans and serving dishes from my grammy. Today I got the call that told me I was BRCA1 and BRCA2 positive. 

I hesitated to share here, but I don't know why I wouldn't. The truth about my DNA doesn't change who I am. I was the same person yesterday that I am today and the same person that I will be tomorrow. Mutation and all, I was made exactly the way that I was made by the creator of the universe and placed in this tiny spot in history to tell a story only I can tell. 

I believe that I am equipped with everything I need to overcome the overwhelming odds that I could develop ovarian or breast cancer. I am grateful to live in a time in history where we know what these mutations are and how to proactively decrease the risk associated with the BRCA 1 and 2 mutations. 

More to come....

About Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer syndrome (HBOC): 

HBOC is a genetic condition that increases an individual's lifetime risk for cancer. HBOC is caused by mutations in one of two genes BRCA1 and BRCA2. These genes make proteins that are important in keeping tumors from developing. Mutations (or changes) in either of these genes allows cancers to develop in certain areas of the body.  

Why we chose genetic testing

You may call it controversial, you may say it's not necessary. I say, it's my future. 

My grandmother passed away from ovarian cancer when I was just a baby. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when Addison was just a baby. 

Because of my mom's family history (that included aunts as well), it was suggested that she proceed with genetic testing to find out if she was a BRCA 1 or 2 carrier. BRCA 1 and 2 are the gene mutations that greatly increase one's risk for breast, ovarian, prostate, or pancreatic cancer. 

It's rare for someone to carry one of these mutations....about every 1 in 400 people has one mutation or the other. It's extremely rare to carry both mutations. My mom is one of those rare people with both. 

This morning, I sat in a genetic counseling meeting with Brian and my sister and her husband. I brought our notes from 6 years ago when we originally met with the genetic team to discuss our options as a family when it was discovered that mom carried both BRCA 1 and 2. 

What did it mean? 

It meant our chances of being carriers would be greatly increased. At the time, I was 24 with one baby. My mind wondered if I should be tested, but my heart wasn't ready. Back then, there wasn't anything in place to protect a mutated gene carrier from being dropped from insurance. It seemed it would be scary to know if I did have the mutation. What if we could never get covered? What if we were discriminated against because of BRCA 1 or 2? 

But years have passed, and there are three babies now, and there is protection against mutated gene carriers called GINA (the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act) that would prevent any insurance company from dropping us or not picking us up due to the knowledge of a mutated gene. And unfortunately the way genetics works is that if I carry one or both genes, there is a chance that my children do as well. And that is something I want to know. 

So today, we gave a blood sample, and they sent it off to be tested exactly like mom's was, and in a couple weeks, we'll know. 

Then the question becomes.....then what? What if I carry one or both genes? I don't know. I'm not there yet, so I don't know. 

I will know that my risk is increased. I will know that I'll need a proactive plan moving forward. Carrying BRCA 1 or 2 does not mean that I will get cancer. It simply means that my chances will be greatly increased for breast and ovarian cancer. It will mean regular 6 month screening at a minimum. 

There are other approaches too. Having your ovaries removed before the age of 40 reduces your risk of breast cancer by 50%. That could be a very real option and recommendation if I carry one or both genes. Mastectomies are regularly performed on women who carry BRCA 1 or 2 as well. Having both breasts removed reduces the risk of breast cancer by 90%.  

I don't know what I'll do with the information that comes. But I know that I will have options and lots of them. That's the most important thing to understand. If you are in a similar situation, know that you have options. Not everyone will agree on what you should do and how you should proceed, and that's okay. But know that you do have options.

At the end of the day, as I process our decision "to know," I know that it's not about fear. I don't want to know because I'm afraid. I want to know because I'm not afraid at all. 

Modern medicine has given me the opportunity to understand what killed my grammy and her sisters, and it's given me the chance to stand tall and fight back. 

Knowledge is incredibly powerful. Knowing the truth about my body and what I'm made of, will allow me to fight stronger and braver. It will allow me to be proactive and do what's best for my family. 

I don't know how the test will come back. I don't feel one way or the other. Whatever it is, I know that it wasn't a mistake. It wasn't an accident. It wasn't an oversight. 

I was created by the Creator of the Universe. He knit me together. Nothing went awry. There was no misstep. Mutated gene or not, I am exactly the way that He created me to be, and that is all the assurance I need.