Loving him

I whispered the words "I love you" to him for the first time a few days ago. 

I don't know how it happened. It just came out. 

But isn't that what I was supposed to do? Love him? 

Yes. That's exactly what I am supposed to do. 

But loving him makes this sticky and complicated and hard. The best and hardest thing about foster care is the love. 

He is perfectly perfect. The situation is anything but perfect. It's so far from perfect, it literally hurts. 

It is so hard for me to write right now. 

I feel like I'm harboring anger and resentment and so many other things. 

I'm happy. I really am, but there are moments when I feel so heavy. I don't know how else to explain it. 

I feel worn on the inside. 

This baby is simply amazing. And it's so hard to think about the possibility of him leaving. We were supposed to meet with mom on Monday, but no one could get a hold of her, so we had a sibling visit instead. 

I'm so grateful that he's not older. I'm so grateful that I don't have to explain to him why his momma didn't show up to see him. 

I don't know why she didn't show. I want to believe there was a reason. I do. It's just hard to believe that. 

But I have to remember that this is a world I have never been a part of. This momma had no one to list on her "important people" sheet. It's a piece of paper that DHS uses to determine if there is anyone kin to the children who would be willing and able to take the children or support mom as she works her plan. She had no one to list. 

That makes my heart hurt. 

How do you raise a 2 year old and a baby with no resources and no help? 

I couldn't do it. 

I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had any support when Addy and Luke were little. I don't know what I would do now if I didn't have the help I have. 

That saying "it takes a village to raise a child".....it's true. It takes an entire village, and if you don't have one person to write down, oh goodness. 

This whole process is incredibly complicated. There are so many people involved and so much waiting that has to happen. 

Right now, I would love for you to pray over our sweet baby and his brother. DHS is going to attempt to get them placed together, and while I understand the sibling bond, I also understand what happens when littles get moved over and over again. One placement is enough. They are both happy and thriving, and we both want to keep them where they are. 

We are committed to getting together weekly to let the boys be together in addition to their visits with mom, and we are committed to working with mom towards reunification. 

Ultimately, I know none of this is up to me. Whatever happens with Baby A, I will choose to trust the Lord's plan.