A little at war

I kissed her on the crown of her head and whispered to her that she was so special to me. And the corners of her little mouth turned up into the biggest grin. 

She wants to be adored. Like all women do. We want someone to notice us, love us, cherish us, tell us that we're special. I want to be the person who tells her everyday how special she is. 

Tonight was good, but this morning was rough. She and I have a battle of the wills more days than not lately. I realize that that is part of parenting, but I don't want to settle for just saying "that's just how it's going to be." 

In the summer, we rarely have it out. During the school year, we butt heads. I can't explain. Maybe she's tired. Maybe there are too many other influences in her life. Maybe I'm just not there enough. I don't know what it is. 

But what I do know is that something is wrong in my soul. I am uneasy and unsure and as I type those words, tears fill my eyes. 

I feel vulnerable and inadequate and unsure of myself and what I'm being called to. There is a definite prompting in my spirit to homeschool her. It's a prompting that I can't seem to explain away. 

And the devil is having his way with me...or at least he is attempting to. I find it interesting that the devil is concerned with me considering homeschooling, but he definitely is. There has been definite and obvious opposition today. I feel worn and defeated and completely incapable, not to mention full of doubt. 

In the same breath that I say I feel full of doubt,  I also feel full of peace. I almost feel like the only thing I'm missing is the courage to do it. 

The truth is, I don't want to homeschool. I feel the holy spirit leading me there (for some unknown mysterious reason), and I am very adamantly digging my heels into the ground. 

This is hard. How do we decide what is best for our children. I mean, do we even know? Probably not. But there are some things I know.....

I know I want to question everything. I don't just want to do what everyone else has done. 

I know my heart desires more time with my 6 year old. 4 hours a night isn't enough. And as I think about the 3 of them (hopefully 4 of them...one day) getting involved in extracurricular activities, then where does that 4 hours go....probably straight out the window. 

I know I don't want my children to doubt who they are in Christ. I know they will, but I want them to know who the Bible says they are so they can stand on it's truth when they need to. 

I know I want our family to be Christ centered.....not child centered. 

and I know something isn't well in my soul right now. I feel a little at war. So be it. She's worth fighting for. And I'll fight until I figure it out.