Being Brave

If I don't do it tonight, I don't know when it will happen. If I don't put my hands on the keys now, when will I muster the courage to do it again?

It's been a long time since my thoughts have found themselves staring back at me on this screen. This year, I've hardly made a peep on this blog. And honestly all that quietness has been easy and comfortable and private and there is this really selfish part of me that wants to keep it that way. 

On August 13, 2011, I made a commitment to write every single day for a year. And I did it. And as I re-read that commitment tonight penned nearly 3 years ago, tears streamed down my face. 

I had no idea what story the Lord would tell through my fingers on a keyboard during those 365 days. I never could have imagined it at the time. 

There would be a marathon, 2 babies that made 4, a knock on the door, an attempt to move to California, hurt, healing, misunderstanding, frustration, love, God in the grocery store, a nearly unbelievable story of redemption and so much more. 

And I'm so grateful that it's all here. Documented. Every tear. Every smile. Every fear. Every peace. 

But it was hard to live like that. This became a journal more than a blog. Those posts were never thought out and scripted. They were hardly proofread most days. They were my thoughts and fears...my hopes, dreams, and desires; they were my conversations with God, and I shared them with you and anyone who cared to read them. 

And I'm glad that I did, but in the same breath, everyone knew everything and that's a weird way to live. {I originally typed the words "hard way to live," but it's not hard, it's just weird.}

For me to say that I can't write anymore is almost like saying I can't breathe. There is something in my soul that wants to write. I can't explain it. {And maybe I should try to get better at explaining things since I plan on writing again, huh?.....just a thought. Note to self: work on explaining how you're feeling.} 

Everything in me has been unsettled for a while now. There's a tension. A desire to write, but a yearning to keep things quiet.....because it's my life and it's no one else's business. 

So tonight, I put on my shoes to go for a run, because the tension in my spirit is getting pretty tight. Everything I've read, studied, and pursued in the last 6 months, points me straight back here....to this little blog I started writing on a few years ago. This "open book" that I made myself. And while all arrows have pointed here, there has been something inside me fighting back. I wanted to run from it.  

I don't want to be honest. I don't want to be open. I don't want to share everything again. Maybe I'll just write a "real blog." One with articles and self-help that's only about my kids and all that jazz. That would be good right? 

But I know that's not how I'm called to write. When I over think things, I find ways to hide the truth. And you know what we're missing nowadays? It's truth. 

We're only missing truth because it's hard to be honest. It's hard to say that everything isn't okay. It's hard to say that we don't have it together. And it's hard to say that our lives are not always exactly as they appear on our Instagram feeds. 

This blog used to be called "The Intentional Peace" because after Luke (my 2nd son) was born, I battled fear and anxiety and doubt for a long time. I knew that this season in my life would call for a new blog name, and it occurred that to me that the one thing I want to be more than anything is brave. 

I want to be brave enough to be seen when it is easier to hide. I want to be brave enough to be honest when it is easier to lie. 

I want to say yes to courage. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I believe that mediocrity is reigning in our society today. It's far too easy to be comfortable than to be brave. So here's my promise....I don't know that I'll write everyday. But I will write frequently and honestly and openly. And I won't make this a normal blog. It'll be open and authentic and raw and real. That's what we're supposed to do with our lives. If we think everyone is as perfect as their social media profile makes them out to be, we'll live consumed by comparison and shame. We have to tell the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I believe it takes a little bravery to be that honest. 

Being brave is contagious. Why don't we be brave together? I think it's about time we stand up and be brave. Here's to Being Brave.